<p style=”text-align: left;”>[quote quote=432357]Dear Nate: I didn’t spend much time on your short original post yesterday and I want to try and do a better job responding this Sunday morning: “No matter what I do I can’t find anybody who loves me or wants to love me and I have no idea what makes me so unlovable… I can’t figure out what makes me such an unlovable s*** who isn’t worthy of a partner or sex. Is it my body? is it my face? Everybody says it’s not your fault, but it doesn’t make sense because if I get ghosted by 12 women it’s not their fault???“- – Traditionally, when it comes to dating, men initiate: they are the ones doing the asking, and women respond with a Yes or a No. This means that most men, if they take on the asking, get lots of No-s before they get a Yes, while women don’t get No-s because they are not the one doing the asking. – You say that you were ghosted by 12 women. If you never met these women in real-life and they all ghosted you online (in a dating website perhaps), then being ghosted online is, unfortunately, a very common experience, it’s.. business as usual. How a person comes across online may be a problem: if one expresses an attitude of hostility or extensive self-pity, that is likely to turn people off. – If you met these 12 women in real-life, on a date or a few dates, and then they ghosted you; again, how you come across to women may be a problem. If you come across in ways that women find unattractive, there are ways for you to change the way you come across. For example, let’s say that on a date, you say little and you don’t ask the woman any questions. The result: she may think that you are bored with her, and that you have no interest in getting to know her better. If so, even though you feel lonely, you come across as someone who is not social. In this example, you can learn to make small talk, and to ask questions so that the woman feels that you not bored with her, and that you are interested in getting to know her. You ended your original post with: “I don’t know what to do and I’m in desperate need of someone to talk to“- please talk here, talk to me..? anita[/quote]</p>
hi anita

my first date i asked little questions because i was shy, but ive gotten over this and I can talk all over the place now, but every single women i’ve met these past 3 months that i’ve had even the slightest interest in already had a boyfriend. it feels like i’m absolutely doomed everyone’s already been paired up and I can’t meet anyone interesting. I’m so scared i’m going to be alone forever and it’s my fault, but i don’t know what else to do than just settle with some random poor girl that i don’t actually like. I’m not going to do that, but it really feels that’s my only option. If things continue like this for 3 more years I might. I’ve been trying so hard to figure out what’s wrong with me from a dating perspective and I continually come up with nothing. I’m so sick of being left out of sex and romance and intimacy and partnership because I can’t get what I want. I don’t know how to take the steps to be able to get what I want which is a leader. I want a girl who knows what she wants, absolutely doesn’t need me but chooses me, brave, unwavering, unique, a fighter, determined, fiery, and passionate about her purpose. So many people I meet especially girls (maybe this sounds mean but i don’t mean it like that) seem to be content with having no purpose, or their purpose is loving somebody else. I know why I don’t want that, because that was me and still maybe might be a little bit. For a while nothing would matter as long as I had a partner, my life would be perfect because somebody loved me regardless if I was doing what I wanted to or not. I know now this is not a way to live, at least for me, but I also don’t want somebody like this because I can’t handle that pressure. Despite what I’m saying here i’m a big individual. Being a virgin and single for this long I’m really always in my own space doing what I want, when I want, how I want, with who I want and I like it like that. Having somebody would ease this lingering fear of being alone forever and having sex would get rid of the fear of being a virgin forever, but if I wanted to just lose it I could’ve done that years ago and I certainly can now. I want to feel like I earned it, but so far i obviously haven’t which is making me feel more worthless in my ability and looks and etc. I just don’t know how to get over these obstacles when all my friends seem to be happily paired up too. thanks for reading and inviting me to talk Anita I hope this finds you well and you can shed some light for me, even if it’s telling me I’m being stupid and my perspective is warped I’ll appreciate it.

Nate

hi anita

I don’t think either of my parents were needy but i don’t remember a lot of my childhood. I know i spent most of my really early days just with my grandma and she probably wasn’t needy but needed help because well she was old and that’s what happens. i guess i’ve always kind of been on my own devices and independent i don’t even know how to have someone else. so someone who relies on me too much or seems like they’ll rely on me too much doesn’t sit well with me and freaks me out. I’m not sure I could be there 24/7 for someone when I still have so much I need to figure out. I can help someone but I also need someone stable enough to be able to help me. I feel like i’m sinking out here and every year i stay a virgin i become less desirable to girls. i haven’t used anyone but ive gotten close to, sometimes ill message girls on instagram or something and once in a blue moon if they actually start responding positively ill just ignore them. I feel like if I don’t have to chase and put everything i have into getting them it won’t be rewarding and it won’t last. It’s also not real if i don’t meet them in real life it feels artificial and almost fake. I have a habit of just ignoring girls who like me because of how picky i get, but if they like me early or easily suddenly i just don’t like them back anymore. maybe im sick in the head or something, but every girl ive liked for real has shown no interest in me and so i had to take all the risks to get anywhere. I guess if im going to be this choosey it comes with the territory, but other people seem to get close to their type pretty easily, while i barely can meet girls who check off my list. i just wish somebody would love and validate me instead of it being the other way around but then when that happens i get defensive because i dont trust it or just plain uninterested in it like some sociopath.