Hey, I could really use some advice as I am feeling very helpless right now.
Last year I travelled through Canada (I’m from Germany) and met a man while doing voluntary work on a farm. We got along very well and after two months, he told me he liked me more than just a friend. He is 19 years older than me (I am 21) and I had never been in a relationship before, so I was a little overwhelmed. He had to go back to China for two months and as I missed him a lot, I agreed to meet him as soon as he came back to the States. So we travelled together for 6 months and had a beautiful time together. I felt really save with him and fell in love for the first time. We both have a history of depression, but even though it was rocky sometimes (I have problems opening up to people and self doubts), we were happy. Two months ago I had to go back to Germany and we left, certain that we wanted to keep our relationship and see each other again as soon as possible. It went well for the first month, we wrote emails and skyped and even though I really missed him, I managed. I have a lot of things going on, college is starting, which is a big change that scares me. He is still in the States working on a farm (he quit his job and has been traveling for two years now). Then I started noticing his emails became shorter and less and less often. The last time we skyped was two weeks ago and he seemed a little down. After that, I didn’t hear from him for a week, all my emails went unanswered and I got really worried. There had been times before we met, when he wanted to kill himself and with that knowledge, it was really hard for me to not know wether he’s doing okay. I wrote him a couple of emails, sometimes just telling him how my day had been, other times that I missed him and wished we could talk. After one week, when I told him I was worried and to please let me know wether he’s okay, he wrote “I’m good. Take care!”. I asked him to skype, but nothing came back.
So I haven’t really heard from him in two weeks and on the one hand I am really hurt because I miss him so much and he doesn’t really seem to care. On the other hand I am worried that he is not doing good, that maybe he can’t handle the distance or feels like there is no future for us or is feeling really lonely. I don’t know and I can’t stop overthinking. I told him he could tell me anything, I just need to know what’s going on but I now I feel like I am pressuring him. I am so worried he is depressed again and maybe pulling back because he doesn’t feel like he’s worthy being loved. He is hurting me but what hurts even more is to imagine that he is hurting. He really is a good guy and I can’t imagine he is willingly hurting me. I don’t know what to do, as long as he is ignoring my emails, there is no way I can reach him. I don’t know if I am overreacting but I just can’t think about anything else, I can’t really eat or distract myself, I have nightmares. I feel guilty, thinking I should have been there more when I had the chance. College is also bothering me, I am scared to meet new people. I was looking into going to college in the States which is difficult and very expensive, but I told him I would try so we can be together longer than just three months at a time.
I just don’t know how to relax or how to help him. I know that we’re responsible for our own actions but I want to be there him. Or maybe he really is doing good and only doing things his own way. I’m just feeling really helpless and I don’t know how to accept that for now this is out of my hands. Every day feels so long, I keep going to bed hoping he’ll write to me but fearing he won’t. I know nobody can tell me what he is thinking right now, but maybe you have some advice how to handle this. 🙁