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Long Term Exhile

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This topic contains 4 replies, has 4 voices, and was last updated by  anita 3 weeks, 6 days ago.

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  • #295065

    Olivia
    Participant

    Hello,

    i am posting this in hopes that it will help me decide what I want to do moving forward without involving my family or friends first. Background: I have been dating my boyfriend for  6 years – we are high school sweethearts, I am now 23. I’ve gone through periods before where I wasn’t sexually attracted to him anymore, but that subsided quickly. Now that I have graduated college, I am looking to move forward with my life and become a real adult (career and move into my own house). It’s not that my boyfriend isn’t there emotionally, but he can’t get himself there physically. I’m worried for our future because he isn’t working hard enough towards it. This feeling of not working hard enough for it stems from him not doing well in college, not having a plan moving forward, no job lined up, no experience, etc. I used to support him and say that we would work through it together, but he’s almost lazy in a way, now it’s taking a toll on me. People always say that women leave a relationship emotionally before leaving it physically, which I think is very true in my case. I find myself doing things alone (preferably), spending more time in my hobbies, hanging out with my friends, more than I want to hang out with him. At this point, it feels like pulling teeth to get him to do anything that I’d like to do. I know if I bring him to something I want to do, he will pout the entire time and want to go home. I know he doesn’t mean it, but this leads me to believe that he would rather just stay in private with me and not public.

     

    I am terrified to end things. This is the only relationship I have ever known and he was my best friend. I say was because it doesn’t feel that way anymore. We’ve grown apart, we don’t have the same interests, and I don’t think we are moving at the same pace in life. If I don’t leave now, I think I will be unhappy for the rest of my life. I feel so selfish because I haven’t led him to believe that I am happy. I feel terrible if I just tell him it’s over without ever giving him any signs. I just don’t think I’m there emotionally anymore. I’m not sure how I am going to go about terminating our relationship or how long it will take, but I know it needs to happen soon or this will just be a vicious cycle of me being kind of happy and then miserable once I realize how alone I am.

    If anyone ends up reading this, thank you for listening to me rant. Because I am not strong enough to tell my friends and family quite yet.

     

     

    #295119

    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Olivia,

    If you met a guy who didn’t do well in college, had no plan, was kind of lazy, doesn’t want to go out and resents it when he is… Would you honestly say, “YES! This is The One!! Let’s get married!!!” Probably not.

    You have simply outgrown the relationship… and him. I say it’s high time to move on.

    No guilt. You have my “permission” to leave, for what it’s worth.

    Best,

    Inky

    • This reply was modified 4 weeks ago by  Inky.
    #295125

    Mark
    Participant

    Olivia,

    In our teens and especially in our 20s we grow tremendously.  We mature.  We find new interests.  We discard others.  Hopefully our self awareness grows.  We discover new things, people, cultures.  We uncover passions.

    It is the typical “We’ve grown apart” talk.  You want to find out things on your own without having someone holding you back even if he is not doing that explicitly.

    Others here can better tell you the “How” to break up with him.  Good for you for being clear on the “Why.”

    I have been blindsided by my past relationships on breakups.  You can feel terrible about not giving him signs but this also is typical in breakups.  The person who breaks up usually has been thinking about it for a while before breaking up.

    I got over my breakups.  I looked to learn from those relationships.  I am now in a fantastic relationship.

    You are doing your boyfriend a favor by breaking up with him, the sooner, the better.  It can be hard and even painful for you and him but in the long run, it is better.

    Be directly honest.  Be compassionate.  Be brief.  Do not be sucked into discussing or arguing on why you two should stay together. I find it hard when my soon-to-be-ex partner dances around the reasons, not being direct or honest when they broke up with him. In fact, with my last relationship, she was so indirect, I did not know that she was breaking up with me.

    Mark

     

    #295185

    anita
    Participant

    Dear Olivia:

    If I understand correctly, you have already decided that you want to end this relationship. The problem you are asking for help here, is how to tell him it is over, what to say to him, when etc., because he has no clue that you are about to end it with him (“I feel terrible if I just tell him it’s  over without ever giving him any signs”), and you are having a difficulty telling your friends and family as well, that it is over.

    Did I understand correctly?

    anita

    #295187

    anita
    Participant

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

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