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Looking for insight: emotional distancing after egg retrieval

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  • July 8, 2025 at 12:34 pm #447404
    Ty
    Participant

    Hi everyone. I’m here to ask for honest insight—especially from women who’ve undergone egg freezing or anyone who’s supported a partner through it.

    Earlier this year, I connected deeply with someone. We had strong emotional chemistry and later spent meaningful time together in New York and grew into a relationship.

    Before leaving for Spain to undergo two back-to-back egg retrievals (she’s 38), she asked if I wanted to come support her. I did, quietly and without expectations. I expedited my passport, spent nearly $10K on the trip, and arranged to work remotely from Spain (I work in cybersecurity).

    But when I arrived… she was cold. Distant. I was supposed to stay with her, but within hours she asked me to get my own Airbnb. I didn’t argue. I figured the hormones, stress, and medical prep might be overwhelming. So, I gave her space, stayed emotionally grounded, and kept showing up supportively.

    Still, she kept me at arm’s length. There was no real alone time, no affection at all, and barely any honest conversation. I felt emotionally iced out – like a stranger. But I stayed respectful and tried not to take it personally.

    After I flew back home, I received three long messages that completely rewrote the entire experience. She claimed this was always just “friendship,” that I hadn’t listened, and that I hadn’t taken any responsibility. It felt like I’d been erased. The person I connected with emotionally was gone, and in her place was someone who seemed to be rewriting history.

    Today marks 38 days since her last retrieval, and I’m trying to understand what really happened.
    Is this emotional reversal and rewriting something that’s common after egg retrieval?

    • For those who’ve gone through it, did you feel emotionally altered in ways you couldn’t explain at the time?
    • Did you push people away, only to feel differently weeks later?
    • For partners—how did you make sense of feeling shut out after trying to show up with care?

    I’m not here to blame. I just want to understand the emotional fallout. I know hormones can be powerful—especially with back-to-back stimulation and retrieval—but I’m still shocked by the silence, the rewrite, and the lack of accountability.

    Any insight would be appreciated. I’m trying to move forward with grace, but part of me is still stunned that someone could invite support, then deny the connection completely.

    Thanks in advance.

    July 8, 2025 at 1:32 pm #447406
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Ty

    I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties with your partner since an egg retrieval. It sounds incredibly jarring and a very unfair experience especially after you did so much to be supportive. ❤️

    I haven’t gone through an egg retrieval myself. But I have had various procedures done in that area.

    I don’t mean to be intrusive, but do you know if your partner was ever sexually assaulted in the past?

    I have experienced that and for me, procedures in that area are very triggering.

    It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong and you did your best to be supportive.

    Are you both still in contact? How are you feeling at the moment about it all?

    July 8, 2025 at 1:49 pm #447407
    Ty
    Participant

    Hi Alessa,

    Thank you so much for this thoughtful and compassionate reply. It means a lot.

    To your question: I had asked her that once early on, and she said no. But honestly, it’s something I’ve wondered about quietly. Given the nature of her work in the BDSM industry and the level of emotional disassociation I witnessed after the procedure, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there’s trauma there, whether spoken or unspoken.

    We’re not really in contact anymore. I had to step back – after trying to be supportive during her second retrieval in Spain. I flew out there, gave space, stayed grounded, but what came back was emotional rewriting, coldness, and deflection. I wasn’t looking for a fairy tale, just honesty, or even acknowledgement of what had unfolded. Instead, it felt like I got cast as the problem for even showing up.

    Right now, I’m doing my best to focus on clarity and self-trust. But there’s still confusion. The version of her I knew before in New York was warm, open, and full of potential. The version in Spain felt like a completely different person, like someone protecting themselves by erasing the connection.

    I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It helps more than you know.

    July 8, 2025 at 3:39 pm #447408
    Alessa
    Participant

    Hi Ty

    Of course, your thoughts about possible trauma make sense especially given her industry. Some people don’t acknowledge the difficulties they experience by labelling them in such a way.

    It’s understandable to need to step back from that. Especially after showing up and being supportive when asked and spending a tremendous amount of money to do so. I can see that the difference between how she had acted in the past and during this specific time was very jarring and confusing. The blaming, gaslighting, refusal to take accountability and the abrupt end of the relationship I imagine would contribute to this?

    It is a slap in the face as you will to be treat so poorly in response to such kindness.

    It is a shame that you haven’t been able to get closure from her about this experience.

    You seem like a very patient and understanding person. If she had just apologised and explained her very strange reaction I’m sure that you would have been able to overcome the difficulties.

    I think that you can safely say that this wasn’t your fault. ❤️

    It sounds like she was trying to push you away (for whatever reason) and she succeeded.

    As for these types of procedures and potential trauma. Unfortunately, a lot of similar procedures tend to be very painful because it is a physically sensitive area and doctors aren’t always good about providing pain relief. It sounds like the procedure would not be quick either. This definitely can make triggers worse.

    Doctors unless you specifically tell them that you have been assaulted and ask for measures of consent to be put in place are pretty rude and just go ahead and do the procedure without warning you they are starting or asking you if it is okay for them to start.

    I had an IUD removed and another put in without painkillers and it took about 20 minutes and was excruciating. I couldn’t even talk at the end of it.

    Of course, even if there was trauma. It doesn’t excuse her very strange response. Even if you were willing to forgive had she apologized. I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. ❤️

    July 8, 2025 at 7:26 pm #447413
    anita
    Participant

    Dear Ty:

    Thank you for sharing so openly. What you went through sounds incredibly painful—showing up with care, only to be met with distance and then blamed. That kind of emotional reversal can leave you questioning everything, including yourself.

    But from what you’ve shared, it’s clear you acted with patience, respect, and integrity. You didn’t push—you gave space, stayed grounded, and honored her process. If she rewrote the story, it likely says more about her inner conflict than anything you did wrong.

    The connection you felt was real. So was the confusion. But only one of you stayed emotionally present through both.

    You deserved honesty and acknowledgment. Even if she couldn’t offer that, you can still give it to yourself.

    You showed up. You cared. That matters.

    Warmly, Anita

    P.S., I am wondering.. what do you think/ feel about the BDSM industry and how it affected her?

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