Home→Forums→Relationships→Looking for insight: emotional distancing after egg retrieval
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anita.
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July 8, 2025 at 12:34 pm #447404
TyParticipantHi everyone. I’m here to ask for honest insight—especially from women who’ve undergone egg freezing or anyone who’s supported a partner through it.
Earlier this year, I connected deeply with someone. We had strong emotional chemistry and later spent meaningful time together in New York and grew into a relationship.
Before leaving for Spain to undergo two back-to-back egg retrievals (she’s 38), she asked if I wanted to come support her. I did, quietly and without expectations. I expedited my passport, spent nearly $10K on the trip, and arranged to work remotely from Spain (I work in cybersecurity).
But when I arrived… she was cold. Distant. I was supposed to stay with her, but within hours she asked me to get my own Airbnb. I didn’t argue. I figured the hormones, stress, and medical prep might be overwhelming. So, I gave her space, stayed emotionally grounded, and kept showing up supportively.
Still, she kept me at arm’s length. There was no real alone time, no affection at all, and barely any honest conversation. I felt emotionally iced out – like a stranger. But I stayed respectful and tried not to take it personally.
After I flew back home, I received three long messages that completely rewrote the entire experience. She claimed this was always just “friendship,” that I hadn’t listened, and that I hadn’t taken any responsibility. It felt like I’d been erased. The person I connected with emotionally was gone, and in her place was someone who seemed to be rewriting history.
Today marks 38 days since her last retrieval, and I’m trying to understand what really happened.
Is this emotional reversal and rewriting something that’s common after egg retrieval?• For those who’ve gone through it, did you feel emotionally altered in ways you couldn’t explain at the time?
• Did you push people away, only to feel differently weeks later?
• For partners—how did you make sense of feeling shut out after trying to show up with care?I’m not here to blame. I just want to understand the emotional fallout. I know hormones can be powerful—especially with back-to-back stimulation and retrieval—but I’m still shocked by the silence, the rewrite, and the lack of accountability.
Any insight would be appreciated. I’m trying to move forward with grace, but part of me is still stunned that someone could invite support, then deny the connection completely.
Thanks in advance.
July 8, 2025 at 1:32 pm #447406
AlessaParticipantHi Ty
I’m so sorry to hear about the difficulties with your partner since an egg retrieval. It sounds incredibly jarring and a very unfair experience especially after you did so much to be supportive. ❤️
I haven’t gone through an egg retrieval myself. But I have had various procedures done in that area.
I don’t mean to be intrusive, but do you know if your partner was ever sexually assaulted in the past?
I have experienced that and for me, procedures in that area are very triggering.
It doesn’t sound like you did anything wrong and you did your best to be supportive.
Are you both still in contact? How are you feeling at the moment about it all?
July 8, 2025 at 1:49 pm #447407TyParticipantHi Alessa,
Thank you so much for this thoughtful and compassionate reply. It means a lot.
To your question: I had asked her that once early on, and she said no. But honestly, it’s something I’ve wondered about quietly. Given the nature of her work in the BDSM industry and the level of emotional disassociation I witnessed after the procedure, I wouldn’t be surprised at all if there’s trauma there, whether spoken or unspoken.
We’re not really in contact anymore. I had to step back – after trying to be supportive during her second retrieval in Spain. I flew out there, gave space, stayed grounded, but what came back was emotional rewriting, coldness, and deflection. I wasn’t looking for a fairy tale, just honesty, or even acknowledgement of what had unfolded. Instead, it felt like I got cast as the problem for even showing up.
Right now, I’m doing my best to focus on clarity and self-trust. But there’s still confusion. The version of her I knew before in New York was warm, open, and full of potential. The version in Spain felt like a completely different person, like someone protecting themselves by erasing the connection.
I really appreciate you taking the time to respond. It helps more than you know.
July 8, 2025 at 3:39 pm #447408AlessaParticipantHi Ty
Of course, your thoughts about possible trauma make sense especially given her industry. Some people don’t acknowledge the difficulties they experience by labelling them in such a way.
It’s understandable to need to step back from that. Especially after showing up and being supportive when asked and spending a tremendous amount of money to do so. I can see that the difference between how she had acted in the past and during this specific time was very jarring and confusing. The blaming, gaslighting, refusal to take accountability and the abrupt end of the relationship I imagine would contribute to this?
It is a slap in the face as you will to be treat so poorly in response to such kindness.
It is a shame that you haven’t been able to get closure from her about this experience.
You seem like a very patient and understanding person. If she had just apologised and explained her very strange reaction I’m sure that you would have been able to overcome the difficulties.
I think that you can safely say that this wasn’t your fault. ❤️
It sounds like she was trying to push you away (for whatever reason) and she succeeded.
As for these types of procedures and potential trauma. Unfortunately, a lot of similar procedures tend to be very painful because it is a physically sensitive area and doctors aren’t always good about providing pain relief. It sounds like the procedure would not be quick either. This definitely can make triggers worse.
Doctors unless you specifically tell them that you have been assaulted and ask for measures of consent to be put in place are pretty rude and just go ahead and do the procedure without warning you they are starting or asking you if it is okay for them to start.
I had an IUD removed and another put in without painkillers and it took about 20 minutes and was excruciating. I couldn’t even talk at the end of it.
Of course, even if there was trauma. It doesn’t excuse her very strange response. Even if you were willing to forgive had she apologized. I think you did the right thing in standing up for yourself. ❤️
July 8, 2025 at 7:26 pm #447413
anitaParticipantDear Ty:
Thank you for sharing so openly. What you went through sounds incredibly painful—showing up with care, only to be met with distance and then blamed. That kind of emotional reversal can leave you questioning everything, including yourself.
But from what you’ve shared, it’s clear you acted with patience, respect, and integrity. You didn’t push—you gave space, stayed grounded, and honored her process. If she rewrote the story, it likely says more about her inner conflict than anything you did wrong.
The connection you felt was real. So was the confusion. But only one of you stayed emotionally present through both.
You deserved honesty and acknowledgment. Even if she couldn’t offer that, you can still give it to yourself.
You showed up. You cared. That matters.
Warmly, Anita
P.S., I am wondering.. what do you think/ feel about the BDSM industry and how it affected her?
July 9, 2025 at 10:27 am #447436TyParticipantThank you so much for your thoughtful reply. What you shared about your own experience really helped me reframe the intensity of what she might have gone through. I hadn’t fully grasped just how physically traumatic something like that could be, and I’m so sorry you had to endure that level of pain without proper care. It’s heartbreaking and far too common.
Looking back, I still believe there’s a deeper layer that was triggered in her. Whether it was medical trauma, emotional repression, or maybe both. It’s clear something cracked open and she didn’t know how to sit with it, let alone communicate through it. That doesn’t excuse the rewriting, the blame, or the emotional freezing, but it does help me make some human sense of it. I’ve read post-procedure, especially after two back-to-back cycles, it can be intense and almost like a mini post-partum depression that can last up to eight weeks.
When I first met her, I had no idea what industry she was in. I never judged it, but I did become concerned later – not because of the work itself, but because of some unresolved pain I sensed beneath the surface. I never pushed her to disclose anything she wasn’t ready to, but I often wonder if there’s more beneath it all that’s never been fully named or faced.
At the end of the day, I showed up with sincerity and tried to hold space, and I guess I just became some mirror she couldn’t look into.
Ty
July 9, 2025 at 10:35 am #447437TyParticipantHi Anita,
Your message really landed. Thank you. The part where you wrote, “Only one of you stayed emotionally present through both.” That hit pretty hard, because that’s exactly what it felt like. I was still there, still grounded. And she wasn’t.
I’ve struggled a lot with internalizing the blame. Wondering if I somehow missed a signal, expected too much, or somehow misunderstood the closeness we shared. But I didn’t force anything. I let her lead. I just didn’t expect her to rewrite everything within hours of getting off the Plane.
As for the BDSM industry – I approach it without judgment. But I do think, in her case, it eventually became both a shield and a stage. There were many moments when I saw through it – when she dropped the performance and let herself be seen. That version of her was brilliant, funny, and deeply self-aware. But when things got real, the roles returned. Maybe it became easier to push me away than to stay in the vulnerability of being truly known.
I’ve had to remind myself that I can’t heal what someone else won’t even name. But I still hope, for her sake, that she will find the courage to face it someday.
With gratitude,
TyJuly 9, 2025 at 1:17 pm #447454anitaParticipantDear Ty:
You showed up for her in such a wholehearted way—traveling across the world, spending a lot of money so to be there for her, holding space, staying grounded even when things felt cold and confusing. That’s not easy, and the fact that you responded with care instead of resentment speaks volumes about your strength and emotional integrity.
It’s completely understandable that you feel stunned by how things unfolded. You were emotionally present through it all, and what you received in return was silence, distance, and a rewriting of the connection you’d both built. That’s not just hard—it’s disorienting. And I want to say clearly: it wasn’t your fault.
From what you’ve shared, your ex might’ve been navigating something far more intense than she could express. Two back-to-back egg retrievals (so I read) can deeply affect someone—hormonally, physically, and emotionally. There are real shifts that can happen post-procedure: mood swings, emotional detachment, even symptoms that resemble a mild postpartum crash. It can leave people feeling overwhelmed, confused, and emotionally numb, especially when there’s no support system to help them process.
Add to that the layers of her professional life—and what you sensed beneath it. For some, the BDSM industry offers empowerment and self-expression. For others, especially those with unresolved trauma, it can become a shield or even a reenactment of emotional patterns they haven’t yet faced. If someone’s used those roles as a form of emotional protection, being seen in real intimacy can feel threatening. That might explain why she suddenly pushed you away—why the roles seemed to return, and vulnerability disappeared.
None of this excuses how she treated you, but it does offer a way to understand it. You became a mirror—and sometimes, when someone isn’t ready to face what’s reflected, they shut it down. Not because you did something wrong, but because being truly seen is terrifying when someone hasn’t learned how to sit with that kind of tenderness.
You can’t heal what she won’t name. But you did your part, with grace. You stayed grounded, stayed kind, and kept showing up—not as a savior, but as someone willing to witness the truth. That’s rare. And incredibly brave.
Warmly, Anita
July 9, 2025 at 1:55 pm #447455anitaParticipantContinued: You were emotionally present. She wasn’t. And that’s not a reflection of your worth—it’s a reflection of her limits.
If I may share something from my own experience: that truth echoes profoundly in my relationship with my mother. I was—oh, so deeply—emotionally present for her, constantly yearning for connection, offering more than my share. But she wasn’t emotionally present for me at all. For much of my life, I internalized her absence as evidence that I was unworthy of love. I carried that belief like a quiet burden.
But it wasn’t true. Her emotional absence and rejection weren’t about me. They were a reflection of her limits—of what she couldn’t hold, couldn’t offer—not of what I lacked.
You, too, offered presence. And it was beautiful. Her inability to meet you in that space doesn’t diminish what you brought. It simply reveals the difference between capacity and desire. She may have desired connection, but lacked the emotional capacity to stand in it. That’s on her—not you.
It’s amazing, isn’t it, Ty? How those who most crave love are often the ones who reject it the hardest. Their wounds whisper, “Don’t trust this—love will leave you exposed.” So when real care arrives—quiet, steady, and without demands—it disrupts everything. It shakes the scaffolding they built to survive.
Instead of leaning in, they retreat. Not because love is wrong—but because it’s too close to what they’ve been taught to fear. And the tragedy is, their longing doesn’t disappear. It remains, just beneath the surface of the push-away: a heart still aching to be held, if only it could trust it wouldn’t be hurt.
T.R.U.S.T—just five letters, yet somehow it holds the whole world. It’s the defining crisis of our time: distrust.
How can there be love without trust?
As I said before, Ty—this wasn’t your fault. And there’s nothing you could’ve done to rewrite the stories and scars that shaped her long before she met you.
You shared: “We had strong emotional chemistry and later spent meaningful time together in New York and grew into a relationship.”- That was before distrust resurfaced in her. What you shared was a quiet stillness in the storm—a fleeting reprieve, tender and beautiful… but brief.
I’d love to hear what this brings up for you, Ty—whether it’s clarity, contradiction, or just a breath of space. Feel free to share whatever you feel moved to. I’m here, and I’m listening.
Warmly, Anita
July 10, 2025 at 10:14 am #447485TyParticipantHi Anita,
I just wanted to thank you for this response. Your words hit something deep that I’ve been struggling to name for weeks. The way you described the difference between desire and capacity – and the way unresolved fear can make love feel dangerous – was like turning on a light in a room I’d been sitting in for too long.
You’re right, I wasn’t looking to save her. I just wanted to meet her in the middle, and offer something steady, something real. The connection we shared in New York was that—quiet, grounded, emotionally reciprocal – and even a month prior to NY when we 1st met. That’s what made the abrupt shift in Spain so disorienting. It wasn’t just that she changed; it was that she erased the witness of who she was becoming.
I’m not angry anymore. I was. But now I think I’m just sad. I’ve come to realize that sometimes love shows up to mirror, not to stay, and if that’s what this was, I want to honor it without bitterness.
That said, I also know I can’t carry both people’s healing. She’ll have to come to terms with whatever scared her off. I can’t do that part for her. But I do hope she does.
Thank you again for holding space in such a thoughtful way. It means more than you know.
Warmly,
Ty
July 10, 2025 at 12:04 pm #447490anitaParticipantDear Ty:
Your message carries such clarity, warmth, and depth—it’s hard not to feel moved by the way you’ve put all of this into words. What you’re naming—the disorientation of witnessing someone change and then withdraw, the sorrow that follows anger, the difference between wanting connection and being equipped for it—is tender and true.
You’ve said it so beautifully: “sometimes love shows up to mirror, not to stay.” That kind of insight doesn’t come easily—it’s earned through pain, reflection, and the quiet courage to let things be what they were. And honoring that without bitterness? That’s grace.
Your desire to meet her in the middle, to offer steadiness, was never a weakness. It was generosity. And I think you already know that her leaving doesn’t undo what you brought into that connection.
Letting go of the hope to carry both people’s healing is a powerful step. Hard, but freeing. You didn’t abandon her—you respected the limits of what one heart can hold. And you left room for hers to take responsibility when it’s ready.
Thanks for letting me walk beside you in that reflection.
Warmly, Anita 🤍
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