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Loosing a friend

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  • #58468
    Allison
    Participant

    Hello everybody,
    I am getting married soon , and the first person I wanted to tell was one of my closest friends from about 6 years ago, but when I told her she did not seem happy for me and seemed very FORMAL about it , which to be honest hurt me. Later on I asked her a question about something in our religion when it came to marriage and she got all defensive and started forcing the thought down my throat and I really was just asking for her opinion, but when I answered back to her and defended myself, she got rude and from that day she changed. When I let her know when my wedding was she told me congrats, and said that I was already changing because I didn’t tell her earlier? But she never even asked about me or my engagement from the moment it happened and to be honest I was worried she was jealous since her relationship with her boyfriend didn’t work out and I didn’t want her to feel as if I was rubbing it in her face. Anyways from the day I defended myself she has changed and I have tried talking to her normally more than once and she talks to me as if I am a stranger and never ever asks about me or my wedding. I dont understand what happened and why she changed so fast and even when I invited her to my bridal shower she just said she would see if she could come, she talks to me as if it is my honor to invite her to my bridal shower! I didnt want to loose her she has been the only friend I have been able to keep for 6 years, and I feel if I loose her everyone will just think that I cannot keep any friends and I am sick of throwing myself at her feet and asking about her when I am the busy one ! It makes me upset to see everyone in the world with people they have known for years and here I am loosing every friend I ever get!
    I feel like I am not enjoying the best times of my life and it is frustrating the life out of me! I dont want to ruin my days because of someone who doesnt even have the decency to pick of the phone and ask how my life is going , she seems like she was just my friend when I had problems, but after everything went well she didnt want to have anything to do with me
    How do I cope with loosing a friend? What will I do about the people who will think that I cant keep any friends? What if she spreads all of my secrets and goes around and tells everyone we grew up with things about me?
    I know I am over reacting but I just need some advice , since I cant speak to one of the closest people to me anymore:)

    #58469
    Inky
    Participant

    Two things:

    1. Your friend either a) never liked your fiancé, b) is jealous that you’re marrying first or c) she was with him at some point (!!!) Yeah, one of my friends got very luke-warm very fast when I became engaged. It was a bummer. Some people are like that when it comes to buying a house/promotions/weddings/pregnancies.

    2. Keeping Friends ~ Some “years” or “classes” in school bond for life. It’s the weirdest thing. When you’re older you look at these people and sometimes think “Unhealthy”. Most people, believe it or not, maybe have one (1!!) bosom-friend from school left by the time they’re 40. (And no, FaceBook doesn’t count LOL). In your 20s everyone is starting their life. 30s, everyone is into their family/careers. If you can hold onto a friend for more than a decade, that is a triumph.

    At your wedding NO ONE will think about “Where are all her oodles of friends?” They will be thinking, “The bride is beautiful”, “Which table am I sitting at?” “Where’s the reception?” “We’re so lucky we found parking!”

    Your friend herself? She has to get over this. Her other friends will be getting married and then having babies too. She can’t be mad at the world.

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 3 months ago by Inky.
    #58476
    Allison
    Participant

    Thank you very much Inky, your words made me feel better and more at ease, you are right she probably is jealous or she just got pissed because I finally stood up to her, I can’t figure out which one it is, but it does hurt me to let her go , but I guess I just have to do it or otherwise I wont be able to be happy with myself.

    #58477
    AikiBen
    Participant

    Hi Allison,

    It is often the case in life that we outgrow our friends, particularly if you’re the sort of person who seeks to develop themselves (since you’re on this blog I take it that you are such a person). I’ve read how certain people will not like the fact you may be growing because it doesn’t suit them. It is important to let go of such people, otherwise they will hold you back.

    Think about it, why would you want to spend any time around someone who doesn’t really respect or care about you? I remember my friend telling me when I asked him how he became such a confident person, that he found friends who made him feel good just being around them. The right friends will empower you and support your growth.

    Yes, if you’re lucky enough you may have a few long term friends that you always stay connected to, but I’ve personally found that pretty much all of my friends have changed over time, and to me this only makes sense. We grow, we change, surely it’s only natural that this will mean friends too? I remember talking to an old female friend of the family who is a real woman of the world who seemed to agree with this idea of letting go of the past, which often includes things assocated with that past such as friends and associations.

    On a last note, let go of the idea that you need to have a ‘long term’ friend, I think that’s an attachment that will hold you back. Forget what you think most people have, that doesn’t matter. Also, don’t even waste your energy thinking about what others may think or say, none of this matters!

    What will I do about the people who will think that I cant keep any friends? Nothing, you don’t control other people, they will think what they want to think. Those who are worth knowing are the ones who won’t think badly of you. What if she spreads all of my secrets and goes around and tells everyone we grew up with things about me? Again, nothing. The simple logic is, you don’t control others so there’s no point wasting your energy worrying about such things. Most things we worry about never happen anyway. And if they do, then you’ll just deal with it, it won’t kill you.

    Good luck,

    Ben.

    #58538
    Allison
    Participant

    Thank you Ben very much, you are right there is nothing in my control and I can’t change anyone… and I think it is time I let her go , I am sure I didnt do anything wrong, at least I think so , and even if I did I have talked to her more than once trying to make everything seem ok but she seems like she doesnt want any part of my friendship, but whatever you are right people are not in my control

    #58599
    Allison
    Participant

    The sad thing is she is not even showing up to my bridal shower, I invited her and all she could say was, I’ll see, she didnt even ask what time it was or where it even was which was obvious that she meant she was not coming, but I have tried hard to keep her as a friend but she seems as if she doesnt want to have anything to do with me…

    #58600
    K S
    Participant

    This is a bit weird, because I’m going through a very similar situation right now. I recently told one of my friends I’m pregnant and her response was : “That is good for you, but not so good for me. It’s actually pretty boring to hang out with people who have kids, they change so much. Now you wont see me as often and as much. I’m telling you this because I like you. I have to be honest and say how I feel about this, what it is like for ME.” Then she went on to talk about a guy who broke my heart a long time ago and suggessted that we should hang out with him more often, even though I’ve told her seeing him reminds me of bad times and I don’t really like him. It felt like, even though I cannot prove it, as if she was rubbing a failure of mine in my face to sort of bring me down to earth, put me in my place. And I also felt she was selfish to make this whole situation about her. I have a problem with bounderies, I find it hard to demand respect etc, so I didn’t defend myself at the time. I just hate it when I get angry afterwards and feel :I should have said this, I should have said that”, you know? The problem is that this friend and I have many mutual friends and we’re also involved in a buisness together. This is not the forst time she’s been crossing my bounderies. I have protsted in the past but it just feels impossible to talk about things with her, like she’s living under different rules of right and wrong or something. When you are deeply involved with a person like this it gets hard to trust your own emotions and limits, because she sets the rules in the relationship.
    I’m sorry if I’ve “stolen” your topic. But I’ll just tell you about the conclusions I have made, and maybe it can help you : I think it’s pretty obvious that your friend is jealous and unhappy with her own life. It can certainly be tough to feel happy for other people when you feel like a loser yourself, however : everyone should at least try. Nothing gets better if you hate on the world. And your friend does not try. It’s sad really, when you think about it. But I doubt that you can change her, because ultimately she is selfish. And she can’t be happy for you, then she’s unable to feel true friendship and love, her loss. I think you should end the relationship, even though it is hard. In the end you need to protect yourself. Maybe you can write a letter to her, explaining your actions. It does not have to be a defensive letter, wish her the best of luck, but be sure to explain how she’s hurt your feelings. Then make sure to validate your true friends (people who are happy for you when you are doing well and there for you when you are not doing well, simple as that), and enjoy your marriage. You have earned it!
    Best of luck to you! Sorry for spelling mistakes. (I’m from Italy, english is not my forst language)

    #58628
    Bob
    Participant

    People who you thought of as a ‘good friend’ very often show their true colors when you may need them the most and they turn their backs on you. Unfortunately this does happen, but my reaction to this only complicated the problem. I would pile all the blame on myself and not face the truth for what it is. I know have a select number of true friends and I can count them on the fingers of both hands. Rain, shine, snow or a massive problem these eight friends WILL be there within minutes to help me.

    If your friends do not measure up to your level of expectations, them dump them immediately. You will be doing yourself a favor when you do. Going into business without knowing who you can trust is tough, deceit, fraud pop their heads up if given the opportunity to do so. The friends you keep are a reflection of YOU, some people will only look at your friends and judge you accordingly.

    Got real tired of basing my performance upon the ‘appreciation or approval of others’. To be quite honest, candid pats on the back and cold fish hand shakes do not motivate me. I would much rather have an honest somewhat silent person on my team, we can connect on a greater level of acheivement. Walk in peace.

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