Hi there,

I am reaching out in a moment of a lot of guilt and shame because of my current situation, and I am hoping some of you might help me and ease the pain I am feeling right now.

I’ve been seeing this guy for about 5 months now and it’s gone kind of forth and back a lot because of me battling with myself. I’ve struggled to feel my own emotions and to maintain a sense of self around him from the beginning. This is nothing new to me, as I’ve been struggling with  feeling myself and my emotions in other romantic relationships as well as in the relationship to my parents. Because of that, I find it hard to be in romantic relationships and to not get absorbed in the other person. I don’t always know what are my own needs, feelings and limits and even sometimes when I know them, I don’t choose to follow them because it’s difficult and scary.

So in this current relationship I’ve had difficulties feeling my emotions and boundaries and even when I have I have not always acted accordingly. Let me elaborate the story.

When I met the guy I wasn’t exactly sure if I liked him in a friendly or romantic way, but I felt somehow comfortable and safe in his company. One night we went out, got a bit drunk and kissed each other. I wasn’t exactly sure how I felt about that, but the day after when I met him I felt fine. We started seeing each other and I felt some kind of connection to this guy. I just felt like I liked him and that he saw who I was on a deeper level – he saw me. However, we quite quickly progressed with the physical part and I could feel myself loosing my sense of self and what I wanted, felt, needed and didn’t want. This is a usual problem for me in romantic relationships, especially when it comes to physical intimacy. We had sex even though I had this lack of self-feeling and I felt like I lost myself and I was ashamed about doing something where I didn’t have myself in it. I told him about these issues shortly after and that I wanted to take it slow and even take some steps back. This put off the pressure on me and I felt better after I said it although it was incredibly hard for me to have the conversation and set a personal boundary.

In the period after this conversation we ended up having sex anyway and I was loosing myself again and feeling shameful, dishonest and guilty because I was engaging in this behavior. I felt like I wasn’t really being me or being honest with him or myself. We had several talks about my issues. However, I would be very inconsistent in my behavior, sometimes saying no to physical intimacy and then doing it anyway. I felt pulled towards him (the pull to fuse with him) and at the same time something in me wanted independency, space and separation. This was a constant battle in me and sometimes I would cry when I was with him because I felt so shameful about myself and dishonest with him too. I had sex with him even though I felt like this and I kept seeing him even though I felt like I needed space (emotionally).

I told him I only wanted to be friends and that I couldn’t feel myself with him and didn’t know how I felt because of this. He was very calm and accepting about this. However, we quickly fell back into a romantic relationship. This has happened several times since then and has become a pattern; I’ve told him I only want friendship and then after a short while we end up being together again. In the beginning I thought I just couldn’t feel my own feelings around him and being with him anyway made me feel shameful. But later I’ve been feeling maybe it is because I am not into him romantically and I actually told him this once – that it didn’t feel right and I didn’t have the right feelings. Anyway we ended up being together again. He is very calm and accepting of me, and says that he wants me to be happy and if he doesn’t make me happy I shouldn’t be with him.

So for a period now, I’ve been with him not feeling like I’m doing the right thing and carrying these feelings of guilt, shame and dishonesty. I feel like a bad person for being dishonest and acting like this. I am engaging in a relationship in which I am either not feeling myself or even feeling like it’s the wrong person I’m with. And somehow I still continue even with these feelings. I’ve done and said things that weren’t true and that I feel guilty about and ashamed of. I like this guy and I respect him a lot so this is not the way to act in our relationship (friendly, romantic or whatever)

So where do I go from here? Should I tell him about these things or should I rather keep it to myself ? How can I forgive myself for my acting this way?

I hope some of you may be able to help me and give some different views and advice on my situation. I’d appreciate that.

Thank you,

Char

• This topic was modified 6 years, 4 months ago by Charlotte.