hi all,

i moved back to my hometown over four years ago. it took me two years and a full year of volunteering to secure a job. as a result, i have severe ptsd when it comes to losing my job. after almost a year and a half at this new job, i am an emotional wreck, riddled with anxiety and depression. i try hard to do a good job but i don’t know if i really have been. the organization has been undergoing many changes, with large layoffs twice a year, for the past few years now. it creates a toxic cut throat environment and rather than supporting and encouraging fellow coworkers, associates all find ways to talk crap and undermine fellow coworkers performance – warranted or not. i was surprised when during my first annual review my big boss began yelling at me telling me i didn’t do my job. she is busy at other locations and the supervisor only told her negative things – things that had been corrected upon first mention from the supervisor, to me. i got burnt out when i wasn’t being heard or asked my side of things and i began slowing down. i felt horrible for slacking so i kicked up my performance and ended up being complimented by my big boss the other week, who said i am doing a fantastic job. i have been going through an intensly emotional period at home, too. that didn’t help my work performance at all.

well, the other day i sent compliments to fellow coworkers and i think i managed to upset my big boss somehow. when i saw her recently, she refused to look at me or speak to me, rather seemed pissed off. she has often refused to make eye contact with me in the past, but i can’t help feeling that somehow my compliments spurred her inner rage again.

i’m pretty sure i am on the cut list now. as in, i expect to be laid off within the next week or so. i am terrified – competition is high between candidates in this city. i don’t know if i have the strength to find a new job. i don’t know what i want to do, where i would be good at. i am introverted and can be extroverted at work but it overwhelms me by the end of the day. i hold myself back from my true passion – writing – for numerous reasons. mainly, it doesn’t pay the bills, so i resign myself to the fact that i may need to get another corporate job. this idea kills me – i am not good in corporate or traditional office environments but i need enough to pay my mortgage.

i’m really scared. i don’t know who i am, what i like or have the motivation to pursue what i do enjoy. i just hole up every day after work and all day on the weekends, worrying about everything i said that could be mistranslated and cost me my job. i ruminate on how in retrospect, i react poorly when emotionally triggered. i often feel like dying is the easiest path now. the scariest part for me also, is feeling in the moment that i really am handling myself well but see in retrospect that i did not. that leads me to shutting off even more, higher anxiety and wanting to die even more because i don’t know if i will ever get it right.

i just don’t know where to go. and the crappy thing is, i am pretty self aware, so as i write things out, i see my screw ups and how i could have worked harder, should have ignored the negativity, etc. but i think it is too late to salvage my job and now i’m terrified this is it and i will end up homeless because i can’t seem to find the motivation to just end my own life.

yes, i was seeing a therapist recently, until an insurance issue arose. my therapist was a new grad so did not get to the root of things i needed addressed and therefor, i feel stuck at square one with no option to seek a new therapist.

thank you for listening.