November 12, 2017 at 2:54 pm #177809
i moved back to my hometown over four years ago. it took me two years and a full year of volunteering to secure a job. as a result, i have severe ptsd when it comes to losing my job. after almost a year and a half at this new job, i am an emotional wreck, riddled with anxiety and depression. i try hard to do a good job but i don't know if i really have been. the organization has been undergoing many changes, with large layoffs twice a year, for the past few years now. it creates a toxic cut throat environment and rather than supporting and encouraging fellow coworkers, associates all find ways to talk crap and undermine fellow coworkers performance – warranted or not. i was surprised when during my first annual review my big boss began yelling at me telling me i didn't do my job. she is busy at other locations and the supervisor only told her negative things – things that had been corrected upon first mention from the supervisor, to me. i got burnt out when i wasn't being heard or asked my side of things and i began slowing down. i felt horrible for slacking so i kicked up my performance and ended up being complimented by my big boss the other week, who said i am doing a fantastic job. i have been going through an intensly emotional period at home, too. that didn't help my work performance at all.
well, the other day i sent compliments to fellow coworkers and i think i managed to upset my big boss somehow. when i saw her recently, she refused to look at me or speak to me, rather seemed pissed off. she has often refused to make eye contact with me in the past, but i can't help feeling that somehow my compliments spurred her inner rage again.
i'm pretty sure i am on the cut list now. as in, i expect to be laid off within the next week or so. i am terrified – competition is high between candidates in this city. i don't know if i have the strength to find a new job. i don't know what i want to do, where i would be good at. i am introverted and can be extroverted at work but it overwhelms me by the end of the day. i hold myself back from my true passion – writing – for numerous reasons. mainly, it doesn't pay the bills, so i resign myself to the fact that i may need to get another corporate job. this idea kills me – i am not good in corporate or traditional office environments but i need enough to pay my mortgage.
i'm really scared. i don't know who i am, what i like or have the motivation to pursue what i do enjoy. i just hole up every day after work and all day on the weekends, worrying about everything i said that could be mistranslated and cost me my job. i ruminate on how in retrospect, i react poorly when emotionally triggered. i often feel like dying is the easiest path now. the scariest part for me also, is feeling in the moment that i really am handling myself well but see in retrospect that i did not. that leads me to shutting off even more, higher anxiety and wanting to die even more because i don't know if i will ever get it right.
i just don't know where to go. and the crappy thing is, i am pretty self aware, so as i write things out, i see my screw ups and how i could have worked harder, should have ignored the negativity, etc. but i think it is too late to salvage my job and now i'm terrified this is it and i will end up homeless because i can't seem to find the motivation to just end my own life.
yes, i was seeing a therapist recently, until an insurance issue arose. my therapist was a new grad so did not get to the root of things i needed addressed and therefor, i feel stuck at square one with no option to seek a new therapist.
thank you for listening.November 12, 2017 at 4:51 pm #177823
i'm really scared. i don't know who i am, what i like or have the motivation to pursue what i do enjoy… i often feel like dying is the easiest path now.
Often thoughts of wanting to die are really about wanting to change but stuck. The reality is that change always requires a dying of the self so that the new can emerge. You say dying is the easiest path now, and yet as you are experiencing, dying as in becoming, is extremely difficult. We hang on to what we ‘know' and tend to fixate our consciousness on what we fear so end up holding on to everything we hope to let go of (die) Though you want to change a part of you is also afraid to change so at this point of the process (and it is a process) you are stuck maybe because you are not able to take your eyes off the fear. Most of the F.E.A.F you are fixated on is False Evidence Appearing Real but you must face it honestly to see fear for what it is.
You wrote: i'm really scared. i don't know who i am, what i like or have the motivation to pursue what i do enjoy. You don't know what you like while not having the motivation to pursue what you like. In other words you do know what you enjoy/like, and who you would like to become and the loss of motivation is likely due to the fear. Your task is to look at idea of fear. Why does fear have a hold over you? Is it real? (The purpose of fear is to get our attention and provide a quick boost of energy in order to deal with any immediate danger. Today most fear that gets our attention does not present a immediate danger yet most of us don't pull back our attention from it and the boost of energy is used to remain fixated on it = STUCK and tired.
You have always faced everything that has come your way. I'm sure somethings you wish you could do over, or handle better but even those were handled. There is no reason to believe that you cannot deal with future issues that come your way. I suspect if you address the issue of fear you will have a a lot to write about that many people might want to read what you have to say about it.
Each of us leaves in multiple worlds. The world in which we work to pay the bills but that does not have to keep you from a world in which you write.
The good news is that if you are truly wanting to die there is nothing to left for you to fear so you might as well go after the changes you hope to become. If something continues to stop you from your becoming its not because you want to die its because you don't want to.November 13, 2017 at 7:17 am #177913
You wrote that you moved back to your hometown four years ago and that you have been “going through an intensly emotional period at home”.
I am wondering if you were anxious living in your hometown before you moved away, experience distress at home, (your patents' home?), then elsewhere, you experienced anxiety as well… then looking for comfort you returned to your hometown, only to experience more anxiety, first in your efforts to get a job, then in your efforts to not lose it?
Is that the case?
anitaNovember 14, 2017 at 5:26 pm #178097
thank you for taking the time to listen and talk things through with me. you are spot on.
you have a lot of excellent insights. have you battled with fear and a transition in your life, similar to mine? did it take awhile for you to let go of that fear?November 14, 2017 at 5:44 pm #178099
thank you for taking the time to listen and break things down with me. you are also spot on.
i have suffered from clinical depression and anxiety from a young age due to childhood trauma. (family and constant but not my parents) i was anxious to leave my hometown because i come from humble roots and wanted to pursue greed in the big city. i had become rebellious and was a major risk taker so i followed my impulses that began to steer me wrong, around the age of twelve. i was nineteen when i left my hometown. my father and i fought hard and loud, all the time. my mother was distant and did not know how to handle my hormones or attitude. i hated my (wonderfully awesome now) parents so i left to pursue my own world. in reality, my whole family has depression and anxiety. we're not jerks we just didn't know how to communicate but that ingrained a lot of insecurity in me.
then i became a raging alcoholic in the new city. i dated abusive men. i learned how to verbally fight back. i hated myself. so i drank some more. the anxiety and depression were ten times worse than when i was just a shy kid with butterflies, or an overly confident hormonal teen.
when i came back to my hometown, things were great. i could start over. but then i realized that sobriety is more than just putting the drink drown and i was suddenly very aware and sensitive to all the horrible things at once. peoples true colors were once drank away and vented about. now i had to learn how to not be anxious and fit in without alcohol to boost my “confidence”. i couldn't find the way to communicate in order to land a job for a really long time. so then my anxiety told me i was nothing, not nearly as intelligent as i once thought. i humbled myself in the most painful way possible, to the extreme.
long story short, and i'm sorry i went off track – yes, anxiety has followed me my whole life. from that shy child who never knew how to speak up, to that rebellious child who took the wrong route, to the sober girl just trying to keep my job and some normalcy and structure to my life. even though i hate normalcy and structure but it is what pays the bills. that's what my anxiety tells me.November 15, 2017 at 4:51 am #178139
You are welcome. You wrote above: “My whole family has depression and anxiety”- notice you used the present tense. And you wrote earlier: ” I have been going through an intensely emotional period at home”- again, present tense.
You then wrote: “anxiety has followed me my whole life”- it followed you to the city and back to your hometown.
It may be a good idea for you to move away from home and your hometown, maybe if and when you lose your job, if not before. Your anxiety started at home and is maintained, present tense. It is maintained, now, at home.
Once you move again, the anxiety will follow you, but away from home, away from its maintenance, there is a chance of healing. If you do move, manage your anxiety better than you did before, build social support, perhaps AA, as soon as you get there. Seek quality psychotherapy, as soon as it is possible for you. Limit your communications with your parents/ family/ anyone who maintains or promotes your anxiety.
I hope you post again with your thoughts and feelings.
anitaNovember 15, 2017 at 7:06 am #178147
I commend you for having the courage to open up and write your experiences. My sister and I have had not the same experiences per se, but a lot of negativity from our mother – that we only RECENTLY started realizing was a reality. Sometimes when you are raised in a certain way, we feel it is normal, and feel that if we think otherwise that WE are the issue and (thus end up with guilt).
I have posted on here before, and it appears what Anita responded is on par with what I have learned. I do agree that if possible limiting contact with the negative culprits is the only way that true healing can begin. I was trying to simultaneously dip my toes in toxic fire, while wondering why I wasn't making any progress. It's like walking to fire and wondering why your burns don't heal.
for me, it is an active, deliberate daily task to remind myself that I am worthy of healing from anxiety, that I am capable of it, and also if i give myself the space to heal – i will be amazed at my progress. For me, it has taken personal space from my mother (mentally) and placing boundaries with the level I let her get to me. This has also translated into other aspects of my life in which I allow myself to distance from toxic situations and people. This has been only a month of so of such progress, but I can say its amazing what you can do if you ALLOW yourself. Unfortunately we don't allow ourselves such healing space often given that our lives are a mile a minute, and we are used to certain physical and emotional patterns.
It may have to be deliberate – but soon it can turn into a natural practice, self preservation!