July 30, 2018 at 4:39 pm #219489
I guess I should start by saying I think I'm depressed. I think it's really complex, and I think it's ruining my relationships.
I have a hard time being present in a lot of what goes on in my life. I'm never really present when I interact with my friends. I scroll social media mindlessly in most of my idle time. I always, always have to have people repeat themselves when we're talking, and if it's when they make a joke, I feel awkward because I missed it the first time.
I smoke a lot of weed. If I'm not smoking weed, I'll have a cigarette to fill in the time. I used to draw and write, and I also used to read quite often, but not anymore. I don't find any inspiration or attraction to most things. I want to find something that inspires me.
My relationships are strained. I have a wonderful, loving, caring boyfriend who thinks the world of me and supports me unconditionally, but it's frustrating for me to hear that my disinterest and boredom with everything isn't “sexy.” It's hard for me to hear that I'm putting too much pressure on my boyfriend because he makes me want to get up in the morning. It's not obsessive, nor is it that he is my only source of “happiness,” so-called. I just don't have anything in my life that inspires me.
I don't really speak to or see my friends or family often. I wake up, I go to work, I come home, maybe have a couple drinks, go back to sleep.
I feel a lot of it is self-inflicted, because I know I'm exceedingly good at victimising myself. I just want to break these ugly habits and feel fulfilled in my life. I want to be an inspiration, just as others have inspired me.July 30, 2018 at 9:02 pm #219533
How long has it been this way for you?
When you interact with friends, what is it that make you “never really present”. What goes on in your mind during these interactions?
What are your sources of happiness?
Who are the others who have inspired you?
Hope the answers for these help you.
Take careJuly 30, 2018 at 9:43 pm #219541
I've been feeling disconnected like this for at least a year, if not two. It started after I had a really bad breakup. I was bereft and broken because I destroyed what could have been a beautiful relationship by being insecure in myself. I couldn't accept what I'd done, and then I got really sick.
When Im with my friends and feeling absent, it tends to be that I'm thinking of how I'm presenting. How I'm behaving when I'm around them. How uncomfortable I feel, and how they speak of me when I'm not around (which my mind manages to convince me that it's never good). I feel guilty. I feel like a bad friend. I feel guilty for thinking negative things.
I don't have sources of happiness, particularly. Nothing that lights my fire like it used to. I find happiness in animation, like Steven Universe. I can focus my attention long enough playing certain video games to feel something other than what I describe as a scribbly, tangled irritation.
Most of whom I consider my close friends are sources of inspiration and happiness for me. Their shining makes me glow, in a manner of speaking. I feed off their energy and happiness and try to emulate it in my own life. But it's almost like object impermanence, where once we're apart, my personal stormcloud comes back to hover over my head and pour down on me.
If it isn't a stormcloud, it's this permeating, penetrating emptiness I feel. Like scorched earth going on for miles and miles.July 30, 2018 at 11:01 pm #219549
Have you thought about the reasons behind your insecurity? You may need to look at events more than 1-2 years back that could have led to your insecurity.
You can also look at the way you talk to yourself primarily to question the basis and validity of the negative self talk that you are possibly doing. It may help you to know that in general people are too busy noticing themselves and dealing with their own insecurities to have time to think of how you are presenting.
Celebrating the energy and happiness of your close friends is definitely wonderful. But trying to emulate it is as you have realized futile. Mindless scrolling of social media may also result in comparisons that may be unhealthy; the time, that you need to focus on developing yourself, being spent on what others have posted about their lives.
Keep asking yourself what you want and what will inspire you? A single spark may be sufficient to ignite what has gone missing in your life and unless you look for it actively you may miss it.
I like your use of imagery. Hope you are able to see the lush fields with bright skies in place of the scorched earth that you see now. Would you like to draw that?