hi Nik

Get out now he is an abuser trying to get you pregnant so to control you. the phrase barefoot pregnant & chained to the kitchen sink comes to mind. He does not treat you as an equal. I too gave up my vow of celibacy for a man it left a big hole in my wellbeing. I did a purification ceremony and retook my vows which I kept for a year to start with and continued this on a rolling process for five years before choosing to stay celibate for the rest of my life.

I hope you find yourself in a safe & nurturing workplace.

Kind regards

Roberta

Dear Nik:

You ended your original post a week ago with this: “Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.” In my first reply to you, I did not offer any advice, and I would like to offer it today after I further process what you shared.

When I read and process information that members share about their life experiences, it helps me understand myself as well as other people better, and I would like to understand more this morning. If you are reading, I hope that the following will be helpful, and please feel free to reply and let me know of your thoughts and feelings, including in regard to where you disagree with my understanding.

Looking at the title you chose for your thread, it says “Ended Up Trapped with the Wrong Guy“: Trapped means that you found yourself in an unpleasant situation into which you were manipulated, and from which you feel (or felt) that you cannot escape, implying lack of freedom and autonomy.

In July 2023, in San Francisco, you met a “handsome, athletic, blue eyes, seemingly perfect” man, a man whose looks you were clearly attracted to. Unfortunately, he ghosted you after 7 weeks of dating. It was wrong of him to ghost you and understandably you were hurt and distressed as a result. He should have been honest with you, and respectful to you instead of ghosting you.

Next, you met a “35, 300lbs, not taking care of himself” man, a man whose looks you were clearly unattracted to, an engineer who owns a makerspace.

“He was controlling, intense, and monopolized my time“- you were not attracted to his personality.

“We were working 24/7 on an AI hardware product for a hackathon with $10K prize“- you were not attracted to his looks, or to his personality. You were attracted to his AI engineering capabilities and to the money you hoped the two of you can make together.

“under pressure, I said yes to being his girlfriend… (he) was persistent, and I eventually gave in, even though I knew it wasn’t right… One night, after a long day of work, we got drunk, and even though I hadn’t planned it, we had sex“- all this, saying yes to being his girlfriend, getting drunk with him and having sex with him wouldn’t have happened if the two of you were clear about your association being purely professional, business only.

And this is my first advice to you: if and when you are interested in a man only for his professional capabilities and for the hope of making money together, make it very clear from the start, that the association is 100% professional. Have a contract drawn with him/her (a professional partner may be a man or a woman) that spells out each other’s expected duties, roles and financial arrangements.

“When I asked him to help me with $700 rent at my place (I was living there full-time), he refused, saying, ‘That’s wifey privileges. If we were married, I’d help.’ I couldn’t believe it. I had given up so much—my time, my energy, even my independence—but that wasn’t enough for him“- you gave him your body and your power/ autonomy when all you had to give away- for your purposes- was your professional capabilities to build the AI hardware product.

“I lowered my standards to even live in to work on this project and be with him bc he made it seem like life was gonna get better and he’s the best engineer in the city and they build robots/laser for the 3 letter agency contracts soon to be worth millions“- here it is, your motivation with this man spelled out: not sex, not romance, but professional and financial, to make millions of dollars.

“I gave up my celibacy, my mentor, and my independence for this man“- not for this man, but for.. his professional capabilities, aiming at making a lot of money.

“How do I even begin to recover from this? I feel like I’ve lost everything—my time, my trust, and my sense of self… Any advice or support would be appreciated. I don’t even know where to begin.“- (1) in professional endeavors, place your trust in spelled-out legal contracts, (2) don’t give away your body to a man to whom you are not attracted  either physically or emotionally, as in positively appreciating his personality, and even better, his character, (3) reflect on your values in regard to a romantic relationship (a type of relational relationship, see below), on what you truly want from a romantic relationship as opposed to a professional relationship (a transactional relationship, see below); separate the two kinds of relationships.

Study. com/.. transactional relationships: “What is meant by being transactional? Being transactional means there is an expectation that if one gives, one will receive. A transactional person will keep watch or score of give and take. What is the opposite of a transactional relationship? The opposite of a transactional relationship is a non-transactional, or relational, relationship… the goal of a relational relationship is simply the creation and maintenance of a healthy relationship…

“The transactional relationship definition refers to a business-like approach to a relationship, where each person in that relationship has clear responsibilities and rewards. Those responsibilities will define what each individual is expected to contribute, as well as the rewards each will receive (or expects to receive) as a result of their efforts. Typical characteristics of transactional relationships include convenience and pre-determined quid pro quo, which means an agreement about a tradeoff is made in advance of beginning a formal business relationship. Additionally, people in transactional relationships tend to be clear on what benefits they will reap from the relationship as well as what is/will be expected from them; expectations are clearly communicated, sometimes even before the relationship begins. People in transactional relationships might be overheard saying the following to each other: * You said you would do this if I did that. * What do I have to do in order for you to do that? * If I do this for you, what will do for me?…”.

“Relational connections go beyond mere transactions and involve a genuine interest in the well-being of the other person. Relational relationships are: * Often characterized by empathy * More emotionally-based levels of communication * A long-term perspective * A sense of intimacy and connection that transcends immediate or financially-based gains.  Ultimately, the key distinction lies in the nature and depth of the connection, with transactional relationships being more instrumental and goal-oriented, and relational relationships emphasizing emotional connection and long-term mutual support”.

I hope that this is helpful to you, Nick, and to anyone who may be reading this. It is helpful to me, it makes things clearer in my mind: I never thought about my relationship with my mother in these terms, but it was indeed a transactional relationship. She kept repeating over the years all that she has done for me, and how much I owe her. I needed a relational relationship from her, one characterized by empathy with a long-term perspective, a sense of intimacy and connection and long-term mutual support.

My mother also repeatedly told me that she loved me. From the first online source above: “Transactional love does not exist, as love does not stem from strictly quid pro quo agreements. A transaction or series of agreed upon responsibilities and rewards is more akin to a professional partnership and not a relationship that is built on love.” I understand better now, thank you for the opportunity, Nick.

anita