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  • September 19, 2014 at 3:27 am #65209
    Joe
    Participant

    I need help.

    I am totally and utterly devastated by my recent breakup. I’m 37 with 2 young children, age 7 and 3 from a previous relationship and had been with my partner for the last 2 years. I have my children 50% of the time.

    We’ve had our ups and downs like many relationships and kids have always been an issue to her. Due to her childhood, previous experiences etc she has never made a real effort to bond with my kids, she walked out on her own when they were young and only sees them a couple of times a week now. We have also had some issues in the past with me feeling insecure and drinking to compensate though we got through all of that. In the middle of our relationship my partner was also diagnosed with MS which took quite a toll on both of us but again we made it through, supporting each other.

    This last 3 months have been a new chapter in our relationship in that for the first time there’s been no turmoil and we’ve been happier than we’ve ever been (though we’ve always got on really well, things are very easy between us). She had even started making a real effort with my children and they were enjoying spending time with her more. They even gave her a hug on her birthday the other week unprompted which I never thought I would see!

    2 weeks ago we had a bit of a wobble, rather I did. My partner has never been the most committal of people and I was just feeling a little insecure about the future. She reassured me that of course she wanted a future with me, head over heels in love with me etc. Everything went back to normal, we had a great weekend, just the 2 of us, went out for dinner, went for walks, gave her a foot rub etc. All in all great weekend (as they tended to be). Then Tuesday morning I’m at work and I hadn’t heard from her (she usually texts me when she’s back from her morning dog walk) so I asked if everything was ok and she says we need to talk. So i leave work, go to hers where she proceeds to tell me that she doesn’t want a future with me and my 2 kids and that we’re over.

    Just like that, no warning or anything. As I said, this last few months had been perfect. I did absolutely everything for her. Supported her, ran her about, loved her, was kind, didn’t take her for granted, took care of her.

    I am really struggling to come to terms with this. It’s been nearly 2 weeks and I still feel utterly soul destroyed. I can’t eat, I can’t sleep, I can’t stop thinking about her, and asking why she would throw away everything we had together.
    I want to cry all the time. The only reason i’m still managing to function is because of my kids, but then I only have them half the time. The rest of the time I just mope about, thinking about her. I try not to contact her but then I weaken and send her a text (she never replies), just because I don’t want her to forget about me.

    How can I stop feeling like this.

    I love her.

    September 19, 2014 at 4:56 am #65210
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Joe,

    Two reasons to hope.

    One is it was so sudden. Did something suddenly happen? Or was she planning this all along, and made sure the last few weeks were great? Hopefully it is a random mood and she can suddenly change her mind.

    The other reason to hope is a horrible one. If she has MS, she’s going to need a lot of support in the future. More so than she might realize. Story: My neighbor wanted a divorce. We were all, “You can’t divorce her. You get sick all the time. You’re always in the hospital. Who will take care of you?” It was all true. They are still together and he “got over it”, whatever “it” was.

    The only people you should be thinking about is your kids. Why did you choose someone who’s not into them in general? And then the poor kids! They finally bond with this character and she’s all “No thanks”. Don’t ever do that again. Next time have an every other weekend girlfriend. She should be like a ghost to them. “Yes, Daddy has a girlfriend somewhere, but we never see her, we and Daddy are rock solid.”

    And for you and this one, there is a slight chance she’ll change her mind. Maybe. But don’t obsess or chase her too much, or she will get away. But if she doesn’t like kids, maybe that’s a good thing.

    September 19, 2014 at 5:18 am #65213
    Joe
    Participant

    Hi Inky,

    Thanks for the response.

    I didn’t know she didn’t particularly like kids when we got together (yet obviously she knew I had 2), and by the time I knew i’d already fallen head over heels for her. That aside, the last few months she’d been great with them which is what I can’t understand.

    We’d never been closer than we have recently.

    I’m trying hard to not chase her or text her but it’s not easy. I miss her so much. I genuinely don’t think she’s coming back. She’s one of these people that makes her mind up then locks everything away in a box, never to be seen again.

    It just makes me so sad because we were so happy. Even up until the day before she left me.

    I just feel utterly destroyed by it all.

    September 19, 2014 at 5:27 am #65215
    Jeroen
    Participant

    “She’s one of these people that makes her mind up then locks everything away in a box, never to be seen again.’

    My ex was exactly like that. She had this confidence that was so beautiful but daunting. When she was figuring out something herself and she had a conclusion, she would be totally convinced. And nobody could her change her mind.
    I kind of admire that, but i hate it aswell because its all over now.

    Your girlfriend left you quite quickly. All of the sudden everything changed. I think you deserve some answers. Not knowing is the worst part of it all. If all you ‘had’/’have’ mend anything to her, she should give you at least the reason of breaking up.

    but that is just my two cents.

    September 19, 2014 at 5:42 am #65217
    Joe
    Participant

    She said at the time it was because she’d been thinking all weekend and decided she didn’t want a future with me and 2 kids…

    Don’t get me wrong, all through our relationship she was far from perfect. Very selfish. Everything always about her, and I guess this is another one of those things. For whatever reason she can’t see that what we had was worth her making a tiny bit of effort. Instead she’s run away, tearing my heart into a thousand pieces.

    I just don’t know what to do.

    September 19, 2014 at 6:01 am #65218
    Jeroen
    Participant

    Well, every person has their basic ideal of a relationship. Things they ‘want’ or ‘require’ in a relationship. When your together for two years, she must have realised one of those ‘requirements’ fell short in the relationship. Isnt there anything she may have mentioned over the last two years, things she would like differently? I dont believe that after two years you just fall out of love. You realise something is missing. A person can’t end a relationship after one weekend of doubting. Something has been on her mind a lot longer.

    September 19, 2014 at 6:12 am #65219
    Joe
    Participant

    No she said she still loves me, but doesn’t want a future with 2 young kids in it. Simple as that.

    But up until a few days before things had been great.

    I’m just at a total loss.

    September 19, 2014 at 10:19 am #65232
    Inky
    Participant

    So it’s simple. Revisit her ten or fifteen years later. At least she’s mature enough to realize the depth of her own immaturity. What woman can’t handle kids part time? Even her own?? I know you love her, but Yikes! She sounds like a kid herself. Consider it a bullet dodged.

    I also thought of something ~ I bet she’s feeling very real GUILT about her own kids. Like, “OK, I only see them a few times a week, and now I’m seeing his kids for half the week, so why did I give up my kids, when I’m going to be surrounded by kids anyway???”

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 2 months ago by Inky.
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