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Lost after a break up

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This topic contains 11 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  yk 9 hours, 42 minutes ago.

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  • #173001

    yk
    Participant

    I dated my ex for 4 years and our relationship has been pretty stable even though we have very different habits. She is more willing to spend money to enjoy herself while I tend to scrimp and not want to spend. One gripe we always had was her spending money on food which is her source of relaxation and enjoyment. But I would sometimes tell her to cut down on the restaurant spending and have healthy and cheaper meals instead. Because of the spending habits, we quarrel occasionally but it wasn't a big issue.

    Last year, she graduated from University and started working and things changed. She has an income and her spending habits changed with her income. She started purchasing make up, going to restaurants and going to yoga class (because I mentioned she was gaining weight from stress eating). So, she does not have much savings due to spending and paying her loans. I spoke to her about it and she was defensive about her spending, justifying that the yoga classes and make up is spent to make herself look good for me. While I accepted those reasons, I just mentioned to her that maybe she want to cut down on some of those unnecessary spending for now since she doesn't have much savings and we were planning to buy an apartment soon. But she was not very pleased and we didn't continue the conversation because I felt she wasn't mature enough to continue the conversation clamly.

    Few months ago, I was under pressure as I lost a job placement offer and was under stressed out from studies. While all this was going through my mind, I met up with my ex and we ended up having a big fight because her parents mentioned that I was stingy. While my ex defended me, I felt really really hurt but I couldn't bring myself to tell her because it was her parents. Also, my ex did said that I was stingy in the past and I never got the courage to speak up to her because I thought she might understand my reasons for being stingy due to a poor family background.

    Due to all the stress and hurt feeling, I made the rash decision to break up with her. But now that I think back, I actually saw progress in our relationship because she made efforts to eat a healthier diet and reduce her spending before we broke up. This made me regret my decision to break up and even though it's been 4 months, I still think back about the memories and think about the future with my ex.

    Am I being irrational to be constantly thinking that we have a chance to be together or are we just not financially compatible with each other?

    TDLR: Recently broke up in a rash due to different financial habits. Now considering if I should start over and patch up.

     

    Thank you for reading.. I feel so lost in the midst of months of job searching and this broken relationship and a broken self..

    #173037

    anita
    Participant

    Dear yk:

    I think that you felt shame about having been called “stingy”. I understand it. There is nothing wrong, I believe, in your financial concerns, needing there to be savings, to spend less on better food.

    I wish you removed the shame from your experience and your re-consideration of the breakup.

    Clearly there is a lack of compatibility on financial matters but she has shown some willingness to accommodate you. With a willingness on your part to accommodate her (for example in supporting her yoga practice, which although it costs money, it can help her manage her stress eating), then you can come to a workable compromise.

    anita

    #173039

    anita
    Participant

    * didn't get submitted correctly…

    #173173

    yk
    Participant

    Dear Anita

    thank you for replying. I have thinking about the reconciliation but the only i still have is “what if we just cannot reconcile the differences”

    this would just mean another heartbreak for both of us and I surely do not want my ex to go through yet another heartbreak because of me

    #173207

    anita
    Participant

    Dear yk:

    Maybe the two of you can negotiate before deciding whether or not to re-start a relationship. Just get together to talk and figure out if it will be worthwhile to restart a (better) relationship. In such conversations she will need to promise you that in the future she will not call you stingy, since it is a put down word, really. You can discuss different situations and how to resolve them if you were again in a relationship, and so on. I think such conversations are a good idea for any couple considering a new relationship or the re-starting of one that ended.

    anita

    #173289

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi yk,

    I was just reading a book by Dr. David Dwyer PH'd..called “Your Erroneous Zones”. He wrote something that made alot of sense. It said ‘to lead a peaceful life, leave the “what if's” “should have's” “if only I would have..” “could have's” out of your vocabulary, because there is no such thing as those words, basically words we make up because of our own insecurities and anxieties over the past and future which cannot be controlled.

    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Eliana.
    • This reply was modified 1 week ago by  Eliana.
    #173665

    yk
    Participant

    Hi Eliana, the “what ifs” definitely is a big question in my mind right now after the break up. Because I always expect my ex to change in a certain way (get her to slim down and eat healthy, be more active), what if I never had all these expectations at all.

    I just always wonder if I was really compatible with my ex because we are very different people. She spends and enjoys while I save and plan my enjoyment. But definitely, considering the current state I thought we had a chance of getting married.

    People always say to seek for similarities and compatibility in a relationship but now after reflection, I felt that opposites in my case could be a good balance for both of us. Though I am not sure now if I can negotiate my whole life with her..

    Anita, I will definitely find time to speak to her though part of me feels that I should leave her and grow personally and if fate permits and she is single, pursue her again.

    Sorry if my logic sounds messy. My thoughts are still all over the place.

     

    • This reply was modified 5 days, 1 hour ago by  yk.
    #173677

    Eliana
    Participant

    Hi yk,

    While I understand and respect your perspective. It's expectations that always create most of the conflict in relationship. That is “expecting” someone to change to fit our reality. No one can ever live up to that, because our expectations can change so often. It you had expectations of her, and she could not meet that, then you will have “expectations” of the next girlfriend, and if she can't meet that, then the next girlfriend. It's a vicious cycle.

    That's why I don't believe in “expectations”. We need to love ourselves enough that we can truly love another person without changing their weight, diet, clothing, hair, etc. Hearing these things as a women is very painful and makes them less likely to “change” and more likely to resist. Once I did this to my former boyfriend, and he called me a “nag”. I realized expectations are a way of nagging, and I stopped. We can't fix another person, only ourselves. Instead I suggested, I was joining a Zumba class, and they had couples night and it would be fun if he could join me. It was okay if he said no, he would be ready to lose weight when he was ready, not on my terms. Just some thoughts.

    • This reply was modified 4 days, 23 hours ago by  Eliana.
    #173711

    anita
    Participant

    Dear yk:

    I believe in “similarities and compatibility” as desired qualities in a relationship, especially a lifetime relationship, and not in the “opposites attract” concept. As the highly rational, thoughtful person I understand you to be, I think similarities and compatibility fits you better as well.

    It seems to me that choosing a similar and compatible woman for a lifetime relationship, a marriage will work way better for you than choosing a dissimilar woman, one who is more on the emotional, impulsive end of the spectrum, your ex girlfriend. Better avoid a lifetime of conflict.

    anita

     

     

    #173851

    yk
    Participant

    I just can't help but to think that I am or can become compatible with my ex. Not sure if it's lingering feelings or because I just care for her even though we have broken up.

    The question on my mind is how similar should couple be? Must they have the same habits, interest and behaviours.
    Now that I think that our financial habits starts to coincide, I feel that we are compatible. But I guess this might be lingering feelings.. Perhaps my criteria for selecting a life partner is not firm enough too.

    #173853

    anita
    Participant

    Dear yk:

    The emotional attachment you have for your ex girlfriend is strong enough to … confuse your thinking, and so it is messy, all over the place (“my logic sounds messy. My thoughts are still all over the place”)

    There is no logic, no reasoning with emotional attachment. That emotional attachment says: I want her in my life! That is all it says. It doesn't care about compatibility and similarities.

    As to logic: a couple cannot and should not aim at being identical, having “the same habits, interest and behaviours”. Each person in the couple should have the habits, interests and behaviors that the other can live with, tolerate, endure with peace of mind. If one person's habits, interests and behaviors annoy the other, then the other will often be annoyed, lifetime. That is not a good way to live.

    I suggested you negotiate with her prior to making a decision for or against reestablishing the relationship. If you can handle such talks specific behaviors that trouble one about the other can be discussed and suggestions made about adjusting those so that they are tolerable, at the least, by the other.

    * Respect should not be adjusted or compromised though- it needs to always be there in one's talk and behavior with the other.

    anita

    #174253

    yk
    Participant

    Dear  Anita, I have been speaking to my ex for the past few days. Forunately, we are now on speaking terms  and we were able to talk about the monetary issues  I mentioned . We both agreed that both of us has indeed changed from the past.

    I tried to mention about the chance of getting back. But the only issue is that she has fallen for someone else even though it might be one sided love and not sure if she can change her feelings out. So the verdict is for me to just move and maybe wait for an opening if available.

    The guy she has fallen for is a close Friend of hers while we were still dating and after the breakup and much interaction my ex has fallen for him. I am not sure how to interpret this signal. But I'm want to avoid overthinking and just see what happens in the future while focusing on finding myself a job first

     

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