March 11, 2019 at 5:46 am #284023
I need advise. I was in a relationship with a man for about 3 years. About a week ago we broke up, he told me he thinks I need to get my life sorted out. Im completely lost and dont know what to do, at the moment I feel I wont get out of this depression… my whole identity was in him.
We have broken up before and I started gyming (body building), I was doing so well until we started dating again. I feel like ive really lost myself and dont know where to start & pick myself up. Im angry at the moment at myself and him… I did so well only to get back to where I was, broken. I look physically bad as well… I stopped taking care of myself.
I just need advise on where to start to get better even if its just mentally for now.March 11, 2019 at 6:38 am #284035
I’m so sorry that you’re in such a difficult situation. Emotions truly can be overwhelming.
I’d like to tell you a little story…
Years ago, I had body-dysmorphia and was fixated on my image. Obsessive weight training became my identity. I poured myself into relationships which became a source of self-esteem and value, because I didn’t recognise my own. I hung onto toxic relationships because without them, I was nothing.
But, the problem with identifying things outside of yourself is that when they’re taken away, it’s devastating. As you well know…
Well, I herniated a disk during a deadlift.. And it took me 2 years before I could walk properly, let alone exercise.
As you can imagine, the hit on my self-esteem, self-worth and my perceived value completely imploded and I was in pieces.
Suddenly, my entire identity was stripped away.
One day, 3 years later I finally looked at myself in a mirror and didn’t feel replused. Not only that, but I loved myself for who I was not what I was.
That injury caused me to embark on a journey of self-love, where I learned to embrace my value and no longer need validation from others. Even though I still can’t exercise 5 years on, I’m so grateful for that experience because learning to love yourself is truly one of the most valueable lessons.
When you love yourself fully, utterly, totally and completely, you attract people and situations into your life that resonate with that. You create your life from the relationship you have with yourself.
Perhaps a shift in perception is needed, to see that this situation is an opportunity for you to find who you truly are and love who you truly are, at your core.. stripping away all of the limiting beliefs you formed as a child. Beliefs that you’re not enough, not loveable, not heard or seen. Whatever it is, you must identify your beliefs and get them onto paper. Pick up a pen and just start writing. Writing is a really powerful way of shifting your inner landscape.
Repeat to yourself, “I AM enough”, slowly, several times a day. Overtime you’ll begin to believe it. As I did.
It doesn’t happen over night, but it will happen and you will get through this, stronger and brighter than you could’ve ever imagined.
In time you may even see this situation as a turning point in your life and be thankful.. Just as I was.
Wishing you luck!
EmmaMarch 11, 2019 at 11:36 am #284131
“he told me he thinks I need to get my life sorted out”- what did he mean by it, do you know? If you would like to share, please do and I will read and reply further.
anitaMarch 11, 2019 at 2:43 pm #284177
Stuff like this happens … happened with me also … and yes it does pain !
You just need to find something else to focus on … find a better purpose or anything that you like … things get better with time and you will heal completely …
It is going to take time … could be one month or two month or even 6 months … but time heals everything … with time you will feel better and recover !March 11, 2019 at 2:56 pm #284183
Carien, well done for sharing how you are feeling and the reality of life as you find it today. It is never easy finding the way out of emotional pain. The old cliche of not being able to love someine else until you love yourself is in my experience so true. Too often we can go into relationships looking for some one to complete us instead of compliment us. I struggled with body image and obsession all my life until 4 years ago. I go to therapy and would recommend watching a documentary called “Embrace”.
Best of luck to you xMarch 12, 2019 at 7:45 pm #284361
I am sorry that it feels so devastating now. I know it is hard to think that this is a gift but it is a wake up call. Emma shares her personal story how she healed.
We all need to be healthy and in order to do that is to love ourselves first. When we put our self worth and value based on someone else then that is a losing game.
Right now you are depressed and stopped taking care of yourself. You are mourning, not only for your loss of your relationship but the loss of yourself. Take care of you. Bit by bit. That is the journey of loving you.
Where to start? Move your body. Walk daily. Or workout daily. Or dance daily. Or do yoga daily. Exercise produces endorphins, adrenaline, serotonin, and dopamine. All chemicals that make you feel good.
In between, breath deep. This alone releases endorphins. It slows your heart rate, adds more oxygen and helps you relax.
MarkMarch 14, 2019 at 3:06 am #284531
You said.. ‘my whole identity was in him’. Yes…this is very true. And now your identity has gone with him. Where does this leave you?
Whatever may be the most familiar object, person or activity you hold close to your heart, hold this close always and everywhere. Take something of this nature with you wherever you may go in this acute phase of your loss.
Time may feel like it has slowed down tremendously. Become aware of your movements, your breath, aware of the sense this slow down feels like in body and include it into your mind and heart. It may be natures way of healing, helping you gain insight into your journey through this time.