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Lost Something

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  • #97186
    James
    Participant

    Hi All,

    This is my first post. The reason I am posting here is because since 2005 I have progressively lost my spiritual spark. For reference I guess the nearest thing to what you could call me is Wiccan though I do not follow that dogma to be fair. However I was a practicing witch. For me though it was more about living with the seasons and with nature as a whole from day to day, season to season. I very much enjoyed it, i felt at peace and it was solitary life I chose as far as that was concerned which was fine if sometimes a little lonely but that was the path I chose. Just for information I am from the UK.

    In 2001 my father passed away which I am still only just starting to deal with. I had to look after my mother and make sure she was ok, I never really gave much thought to my own needs, consequently I never dealt with my feelings. 4 years later in 2005 I decided that my life was going no where, stuck in a dead end job with no prospects. I decided to join an IT course, a GNVQ. I discovered I was very good at it and went on to do my Diploma and then finally my foundation degree. I worked my way through a few jobs and finally in 2016 I am a successful professional.

    I had a long term relationship, rented a very nice 3 bed house with two large gardens, a nice car, a holiday every year. Everything I had been fighting for for the last 10 years I had gained. I was proud, made my mother proud, she told me my dad would have been proud and that was just perfect…but….

    I released that I had thrown myself completely into the pursuit of ‘normal’ lifestyle and along the way lost something that was special about me. I used to appreciate things in a way that others did not, i not longer felt at peace sitting still and listening, smelling and seeing. I had to be doing something all the time, never sitting still and i upset me. I then realised I scoffed at people who used to talk about spirituality, i realised I had become someone who i used to pity. I still don’t know why I did scoff….we normally do this because it is something we don’t understand and therefore fear but I do understand that way, i used to live that way, so what is wrong with me?

    My long term partner and I entered a spiritualist shop in Tintagel in Cornwall. The man in there said something that hit me square in the face after we had been talking for a while, he said
    “So, I see that you are the skeptical one and your gf is the enlightened one”
    I couldn’t believe what I was hearing. My partner admitted that she had been interested in the spiritual way of life for a while then. But for him to say I was skeptical, it upset me, though I realised it was not him being mean, he was right. What has happened to me?

    I understood that a part of me always stayed skeptical ready to bite back at people that scoffed at my way of life. I guess that’s why I always practiced alone. Sometimes I would feel that a lot of people “put it on” so to speak. I used to roll my eyeballs if I was ever in a group of people that started getting a bit too “yeah man, feel the energy man”. I guess it was hard to tell who was genuine, or maybe I never met anyone that WAS genuine, or maybe they all were and I was the fake who knows.

    Anyway, forward to today and my ex and I have now split, I have had to move back home and my life appears to have been reset. Going from a lovely house with gardens, to 1 room and I am completely lost. I don’t know where to start and I want more than anything to be at one with nature again but it just feels like every time I go out there is some barrier in the way, something stopping the feelings i used to get from being in the woods, on the cliffs, by the sea. Some magical feeling that I used to get is no longer there and I desperately want it back. It feels like its just out of reach and I cant put my finger on what it was I used to feel and I have no idea where to start.

    I have a feeling I have mild depression because nothing I can think of doing seems to excite me at the moment. Every thing I think of doing I can never be bothered and just end up watching films. (This is partly the reason me and my ex split). I am doing something about this part by seeing a counselor. I know I have a lot of past issues that need sorting out and maybe that is partly what is blocking me from getting this feeling back that I used to get.

    To be honest I am not even sure why I am writing here or what anyone can do, I guess it seems like a good place to use as a sounding board. But if anyone can help, if anyone has been in this situation before then I will gladly take any advice you may have.

    Thank you for listening.

    James

    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by James.
    • This topic was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by James.
    #97194
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear James:

    My thoughts, as they happen, following reading your post:

    In 2001 your father died. Following that your focus was your mother, seeing to it that she is okay. I suppose during that time you were not okay. It was during that time that you practiced communion with nature, feeling the calm of being alone with nature, one with it.

    During those years, focusing on your mother’s well being and working a dead end job, you needed to get away, to be finally with yourself, alone. Finally because being with your mother was difficult, distressing and the dead end job was not fulfilling either. So being in nature felt so very good. It had to feel so good, where else could you then get that feeling?

    In 2005 you started making a career change and got busy doing that, and sometime along the way, got into a relationship with a woman. You rented a house and got busy with getting and enjoying the material success that came with your new employment. But you were still not okay. Maybe better than before, when you focused on your mother and had the dead end job, but not okay.

    And you lost that feeling, even now when you live with your mother again (?)

    That good feeling you had then, the feeling you want back, I think it was the product of that time, the relief you needed then, the relief you needed from what was. The greater our distress, the greater our need for relief. You had lots of distress then, and your brain took care of the need, providing you great relief, calm.

    I am thinking it is probably impossible to get back that particular feeling, that intensity of relief from distress, that calm. The feelings we have are the reaction to what is happening in our lives, I think. But here is the point: when distressed, the brain takes its breaks from the distress. We remember how good it felt, not connecting it to how bad it was, so bad we needed and took (unknowingly) the very pleasurable breaks from it.

    What do you think so far? We can communicate further, if you’d like.

    anita

    #97195
    E
    Participant

    Hi James, I’m so sorry for the losses you have gone through.

    Have you thought about counseling/therapy? Speaking from experience, it has helped me get through my toughest time. I am already feeling better about myself and the world around me. If you feel like you’ve lost that spark for excitement of life itself, that might be an option. Also to consider, what was it about your life that you liked/loved/gave you that extra bit of wonder, before your partner left? Are you able to recreate it? Sometimes I am able to go outside and enjoy that morning coffee with the birds, sometimes I cry when I attempt it. But without judging either experience, sitting with both feelings, knowing that they could change in a heartbeat, and being able to be there for myself through all of it… Anyway, that’s what I’m trying to get at, and what may work for you.

    Have you heard of the term, “Dark night of the soul”? It could be that this is where you feel stagnant, but are really being asked to turn inward again. The block feels real until you realize it isn’t there at all, and was never there, because the Source is infinite and always around us.

    I hope that you find what you need, and that you are able to touch those depths again.

    Peace, ~E

    #97301
    James
    Participant

    “That good feeling you had then, the feeling you want back, I think it was the product of that time, the relief you needed then, the relief you needed from what was. The greater our distress, the greater our need for relief. You had lots of distress then, and your brain took care of the need, providing you great relief, calm.”

    Hi Anita,

    I understand what you are saying and thank you for your reply but that feeling was always there, it wasn’t a product of that time when I was going through stress with my mother, it wasn’t something I was using to get relief, it was always there UNTIL that time, until I had to pour everything into looking after her and then subsequently studying and then working at my career.

    To make things clearer, it was always there as a child, as a teen, as someone in their early 20’s up until the point where I started focusing on material wealth and my career. Then I just slowly lost it. I want it back.

    Hi E

    I am starting counseling next Thursday. I have found someone who matches me and am looking forward to talking in depth about everything. I have not heard of the Dark night of the Soul no but I will look into that thank you.

    Thanks again both
    James

    #97326
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear James:

    Thank you for correcting my thinking about your share. I do hope your counseling helps restore a feeling of calm, that feeling you had before you started to take care of your mother. I would like it if you post again, maybe share about what you learned in therapy. I am curious to know… and if it may be helpful to you, please do post again.

    anita

    #109225
    Luna
    Participant

    Hi James
    I am experiencing the same feeling you are feeling at the moment. And i understand how you feel, it is depression if you don’t feel the excitement for the things that you used to love anymore.
    I too, had an amazing connection with Mother Nature… she opened my eyes to oneness and i felt connected to all living things. i understood life like i was never before and everyday, my day begins like it was magic.
    After a traumatised relationship, i have lost that connection i had with her. In a way, i felt like death inside… a living body with a dead soul, i just couldn’t feel a thing. But loosing the ability to love animals and connecting to nature was what upsetting me the most. And every single day for 3 years i was battling myself to understand why i am feeling this way. I understood now, but i too wish i could able to feel and love nature in such a pure way again. It felt like i have lost my innocent.

    So here, is what i thought about your situation.
    You are battling with yourself way too much, negative self talk and letting yourself go of doing things you don’t believing in was the reason you are slowly being dragged away from feeling love with nature. Into the material world, a world you don’t believing in, because you understand less is more. Nature is what made you the happiest and truly alive.

    Reason that you scoff at people whom talks about spirituality because you know what its like to be TRULY CONNECTED, not shit people reads from other people’s perspective. That isn’t from their own… thats why you don’t believe in them.
    But hey, you are not being kind to yourself. You judge other, and then judge yourself for being mean. Does it feels like no body understand the state you were and that person you were so proud of was the one connected to nature?
    Nobody knows that, but you. You feel alone, unable to share that beautiful part of life to people so they would understand why you are being skeptical.

    I think, you have been focusing on your mother’s well being and disregard about your own, stuck in a dead end job with no happiness… you drained yourself with your energy. You were this 100% human being, and you gave 60 to your mother and grieving from yourself, 30 to your dead end job. I always think that, the energy you focusing on something is investing yourself in it.

    You have focused 90% of yourself to every negative aspects, and you only have that 10% to remember of who you were. You were investing so much of yourself away to things that does not give you happiness… so you become drained.

    Most people cannot share your feelings James, and cannot understand where you are coming from… because, its not like everyday you come across a person that felt an intense euphoric feeling towards nature and appreciate simplicity and solitude.

    I have learnt to accept that not many will understand this feeling, i sometime still cry walking into a forest because i felt the trees pain but the person whom was with me, will never understand that feeling and they even admit it that they have never connected to nature in such a way. You are a super sensitive soul… that was reason why you could connect to nature.

    James you know what is truly living, its ok if you don’t feel it. Still live within it, be true to your authentic self and don’t stir away from it. I don’t think counselling or anything would help so much because like i said… not many people connects with nature in a very intimate way. But sure everyone feels relaxed when they are with nature, its a different thing than to understand nature and study about her, and felt her so alive. Its so different ..

    i hope you can stay open, don’t roll your eyes, don’t scoff at people… Because they are too, is trying to figuring themselves out. Allow yourself to judge, because if you can not feel other ways then let yourself be rather than judge people, and then judge yourself. When you allowing yourself to feel that way, accepting that you are unable to feel love for people at the moment is allowing love for yourself. Slowly you will be more kind towards yourself and that will soften you to the outside… but please be mindful of judging people because you can judge, but understand why you are doing it and accepting it, and no negative self talk. You are being hard on yourself, you have been through such a tough time, you need love from yourself and you don’t need anymore tough time causing from your ownself. People may not understand your experience but I’m sure they all have good intention… When you don’t feel genuineness its probably true, but remember they too have probably experience something very bad, that is causing them ego and being not genuine. 🙁 its sad, but i hope you are softer to the world and towards yourself mainly.

    I love summer, even when i don’t feel connected to nature but i would always try to take myself to go somewhere in nature and spend time there. Even go for a swim at 6am, do something different. Even if you don’t feel it, just do it. You are investing your energy into things that will investing back in you for good energy 🙂

    Don’t be harsh on yourself, you have suffer enough. You need love from yourself if you want to feel love from nature again. It all comes from within.
    <3

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