Dear James:

My thoughts, as they happen, following reading your post:

In 2001 your father died. Following that your focus was your mother, seeing to it that she is okay. I suppose during that time you were not okay. It was during that time that you practiced communion with nature, feeling the calm of being alone with nature, one with it.

During those years, focusing on your mother’s well being and working a dead end job, you needed to get away, to be finally with yourself, alone. Finally because being with your mother was difficult, distressing and the dead end job was not fulfilling either. So being in nature felt so very good. It had to feel so good, where else could you then get that feeling?

In 2005 you started making a career change and got busy doing that, and sometime along the way, got into a relationship with a woman. You rented a house and got busy with getting and enjoying the material success that came with your new employment. But you were still not okay. Maybe better than before, when you focused on your mother and had the dead end job, but not okay.

And you lost that feeling, even now when you live with your mother again (?)

That good feeling you had then, the feeling you want back, I think it was the product of that time, the relief you needed then, the relief you needed from what was. The greater our distress, the greater our need for relief. You had lots of distress then, and your brain took care of the need, providing you great relief, calm.

I am thinking it is probably impossible to get back that particular feeling, that intensity of relief from distress, that calm. The feelings we have are the reaction to what is happening in our lives, I think. But here is the point: when distressed, the brain takes its breaks from the distress. We remember how good it felt, not connecting it to how bad it was, so bad we needed and took (unknowingly) the very pleasurable breaks from it.

What do you think so far? We can communicate further, if you’d like.

anita

Hi James
I am experiencing the same feeling you are feeling at the moment. And i understand how you feel, it is depression if you don’t feel the excitement for the things that you used to love anymore.
I too, had an amazing connection with Mother Nature… she opened my eyes to oneness and i felt connected to all living things. i understood life like i was never before and everyday, my day begins like it was magic.
After a traumatised relationship, i have lost that connection i had with her. In a way, i felt like death inside… a living body with a dead soul, i just couldn’t feel a thing. But loosing the ability to love animals and connecting to nature was what upsetting me the most. And every single day for 3 years i was battling myself to understand why i am feeling this way. I understood now, but i too wish i could able to feel and love nature in such a pure way again. It felt like i have lost my innocent.

So here, is what i thought about your situation.
You are battling with yourself way too much, negative self talk and letting yourself go of doing things you don’t believing in was the reason you are slowly being dragged away from feeling love with nature. Into the material world, a world you don’t believing in, because you understand less is more. Nature is what made you the happiest and truly alive.

Reason that you scoff at people whom talks about spirituality because you know what its like to be TRULY CONNECTED, not shit people reads from other people’s perspective. That isn’t from their own… thats why you don’t believe in them.
But hey, you are not being kind to yourself. You judge other, and then judge yourself for being mean. Does it feels like no body understand the state you were and that person you were so proud of was the one connected to nature?
Nobody knows that, but you. You feel alone, unable to share that beautiful part of life to people so they would understand why you are being skeptical.

I think, you have been focusing on your mother’s well being and disregard about your own, stuck in a dead end job with no happiness… you drained yourself with your energy. You were this 100% human being, and you gave 60 to your mother and grieving from yourself, 30 to your dead end job. I always think that, the energy you focusing on something is investing yourself in it.

You have focused 90% of yourself to every negative aspects, and you only have that 10% to remember of who you were. You were investing so much of yourself away to things that does not give you happiness… so you become drained.

Most people cannot share your feelings James, and cannot understand where you are coming from… because, its not like everyday you come across a person that felt an intense euphoric feeling towards nature and appreciate simplicity and solitude.

I have learnt to accept that not many will understand this feeling, i sometime still cry walking into a forest because i felt the trees pain but the person whom was with me, will never understand that feeling and they even admit it that they have never connected to nature in such a way. You are a super sensitive soul… that was reason why you could connect to nature.

James you know what is truly living, its ok if you don’t feel it. Still live within it, be true to your authentic self and don’t stir away from it. I don’t think counselling or anything would help so much because like i said… not many people connects with nature in a very intimate way. But sure everyone feels relaxed when they are with nature, its a different thing than to understand nature and study about her, and felt her so alive. Its so different ..

i hope you can stay open, don’t roll your eyes, don’t scoff at people… Because they are too, is trying to figuring themselves out. Allow yourself to judge, because if you can not feel other ways then let yourself be rather than judge people, and then judge yourself. When you allowing yourself to feel that way, accepting that you are unable to feel love for people at the moment is allowing love for yourself. Slowly you will be more kind towards yourself and that will soften you to the outside… but please be mindful of judging people because you can judge, but understand why you are doing it and accepting it, and no negative self talk. You are being hard on yourself, you have been through such a tough time, you need love from yourself and you don’t need anymore tough time causing from your ownself. People may not understand your experience but I’m sure they all have good intention… When you don’t feel genuineness its probably true, but remember they too have probably experience something very bad, that is causing them ego and being not genuine. 🙁 its sad, but i hope you are softer to the world and towards yourself mainly.

I love summer, even when i don’t feel connected to nature but i would always try to take myself to go somewhere in nature and spend time there. Even go for a swim at 6am, do something different. Even if you don’t feel it, just do it. You are investing your energy into things that will investing back in you for good energy 🙂

Don’t be harsh on yourself, you have suffer enough. You need love from yourself if you want to feel love from nature again. It all comes from within.
<3