Hi David,

I wanted to reply to you as I can empathise so much with your position- although it was not the same as mine , I know the feeling of losing a best friend at different times of life and someone I love.

In terms of what you can do, I think for now  for that sounds like nothing. She has wanted to give her marriage another try, and so that’s something you  need to come to terms with right now even if you dont agree with that decision. I dont understand fully why she wants to go to marriage counselling when she loves you and the relationship has  been brilliant and you  both understand each other. Does she love her husband? Clearly you know her and her what drives her more than I can from one post… maybe what would help is to consider that she is fearful of leaving and fearful of making the wrong decision or upsetting her family and kids and so cant yet reconcile her feelings for you and her duty she feels to her marriage and to her kids. From where she is she may feel in an impossible position.. loving you but feeling like she has a moral obligation to stay. In the long term this will only hurt her so I would say dont contact her for now- this shows your respect her and she knows how you feel anyway as you have been clear with her and she most likely knows in her heart anyway.

In terms of how you can feel better. There is temporarily better and long term better. In terms of temporarily better I would say this is about distraction. Your brain and heart is unlikely to cope with the shock of losing her and the reality that you wont be together again so it will just plain hurt over and over. Maybe for the distraction you could do;

1) read a complicated book to take your mind of her and absorb your full attention

2) try yoga and really focus on each move

3) take a shower or bath and cry it out (not distraction but can help)

4) look for anything you can learn that can take up your time e.g vlunterting, a new skill etc

5) sleep, if you can or meditate

In terms of long term better, I cant see any other way than it will take time, be painful and will keep coming up time and time again. That was my reality but it may not he yours.

For this, I would suggest acceptance. Easy to type but very hard to do. In my case acceptance comes as i:

1) anytime I feel emotionally overwhelmed writing down my thoughts in a letter and getting everything out – do not send the letter no matter how tempting. This is for you. If you get everything out you will feel sad still but an smidge lighter inside.

2) meditate. Headspace, a meditation app, do a course on handling sadness which may be of use-I have found it useful so far, and there are free ones online. This isnt about feeling better all the time, just for the length of the mediation which you DO deserve to (in case your brain gets bored and tries to suggest you should get up and do something or dont deserve to feel okay)

3) mentally tell yourself everytime you think of her that you wish her well, accept you miss her and still love her and then  STILL get on with your day. This is really hard and I have found accepting these thoughts takes time and happens multiple times each day and multiple days. Eg it is not a one time thing. This makes it hard as some days it seems impossible to accept and the pain is raw but that also needs accepting just like on the days you feel better. This is hard and sad work. Maybe if you believe in the universe and vibes you could think that your love is being sent out toward her and you are sending it out then releasing both of you to get on with your days. If you keep doing this every day you will have more good days than bad.

4) I know you know this already but it’s not personal. Her decision to stay in her marriage is more based on her conditioning fears, morals etc. Than it is to do with love. Love sometimes is not enough and whilst her decision hurts you both, I think she is trying to do what she thinks is right and putting her happiness last. Only she can realise this and make the change.either way you both got to meet someone that made you feel magical, chemistry, bliss and you will always be a part of each others hearts in that way forever. Always bound by that time even if you both move on.

5) you mentioned about medication and using alcohol to sleep. Firstly brilliant and well done on the medication-you accepted you needed some help and got out and got it! That’s really brave. I know now is really hard and you are in so much pain but just dont get in a habit with alcohol. It’s really easy and numbing but I find I get more sad and more weepy on alcohol even if at first it numbs me so actually any more than one shot glass full and I know I will get say-so just watch out for this. In terms of other modes of comfort could you sleep with a hot water bottle, sleep listening to an audiobooks or guided meditation or the radio-anything to help you relax. I have tried medication -for me it made my brain feel very foggy and slow and the side effects made me not last on them long. All I can say is that medication is a help and it’s not the whole way- the pain is still there and you still need to go through it. I would say take it day by day. Just focus on getting a good morning routine, then to lunch and so so on. Sometimes to make it easier for me I pretend I am an alien who has just landed in my life and has the chance to make my morning routine (and lunch and evening) the nicest it can possibly be. This allows me to ask the question of myself ‘what can I do to make this morning go well?’eg have a shower, exercise, hot coffee etc and all those little things add up. It’s not the same feeling as with your soulmate, not close, but it’s being kind to you which does feel good.

I would be happy to talk to you more as there is more I could say but this is getting rambly! If you dont decide to reply I would like you wish you strength and luck and know that you will get through this and be okay again.

Dear David:

You’ve been having a female friend since high school, about ten years. Throughout these years she’s been in a relationship with another man whom she married and with whom she has two young children. You wrote about her husband: “he hates me. Always has”.

At one point, she had “dark and depressing thoughts”. She suffered from “some medical stuff”, and took medication that “were messing with her memory”. She had a “mental and medical history”.

The two of you talked and “figured out that her Husband had been really controlling and emotionally abusing her for a couple of years”, and she told you that she wanted to divorce him for quite a while, but was afraid to do so because her family are “die hard bible readers (who) would disown her”.

You offered her to “help her, and him, understand things so they could cope and make it”.

Before I go on, a question to you: if he hates you and always did hate you (“he hates me. Always has”), how could you possibly help him to understand things so that they could cope and make it as a couple?

anita

Dear David:

You explained to your then lover that her husband “may be caught off guard” when she expressed to him her depressive thoughts. I bet he was caught of guard when he found out that you were his wife’s lover, wasn’t he?

And you offered council him on how to respond to his wife when she gets in her dark moods while you were responding to her… you get my point.

Her husband may very well be unkind and whatnot, but you didn’t help to make him a better man by giving him council while having sex with his wife (it makes husbands bitter when that happens!)

anita

Dear David:

I hope you feel better and that you learn from your experience, to be a better person to others and to yourself.

anita