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Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 52 total)
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  • #211163
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    I wish you had different friends, at least one friend who will not respond to you with false optimism or refer to what distresses you as not important, or as-bad as their problems.

    Did you ever talk to someone and that person listen to you attentively, respectfully, as a result you felt listened to, respected, valued?

    anita

    #211199
    Veronica
    Participant

    My friends were okay. They are funny and bubbly. The thing is, being sad is like a crime. You can’t be sad, you can’t be depressed. I used to isolate myself a lot. I only have few friends as well. I am extremely introvert. Going out drains me so much. I feel more at peace to be alone, if things are smooth.

    The only problem is when there is something that can trigger me, I can’t control myself.

    Anyhow, I am so thankful especially to you, anita. You’ve been a great help. Thank you for trying to understand me, being with me during this times. Thank you for not forcing me to be okay. Thank you.. thank you..

    #211255
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    You are very welcome.

    It is interesting you putting it this way: “being sad is like a crime”. I wonder if you can tell me more your experience with being sad being so objectionable to others..?

    And about not being able to control yourself once triggered.

    How is your plan going, to not watch romantic movies, to not do online dating/ dating otherwise?

    * Will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours. I hope you post again and again, anytime you’d like. Will reply if you do when back at the computer.

    anita

    #211345
    Veronica
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Sadness is a crime in this world. You can’t be down when your boss is constantly reminded you of your deadlines, you have to keep up your game to finished it all. You can’t be sad when you are with friends cause you will kill the joy and end the fun. You can’t be depress at home and cry cause your father will reprimand you, saying it’s all on your head.

    You can’t be sad. You are expected to be positive at all time in order to make things right. Is it?

    It’s been a week since I eliminate my ‘drug’. I can’t still say it’s good or I am doing good. Cause I am still here.

    Holding on..

    #211349
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    You had a successful week then, eliminating your drug as you referred to it? Well, congratulations! And you can be “still here” on your thread whether you are doing well or not, by the way.

    Sadness is not a crime. To some people it is, to your father who reprimanded you for being sad, for crying, it was a crime. If there is a friend in your life who reprimanded you as well, or disapproved of you every time you expressed sadness, or looked sad, it is a crime for that friend as well.

    It is not a crime for me and it is not a crime in reality, to feel sad. There is no crime in feeling anything at all, whatever we feel is okay to feel.

    We don’t choose our feelings, they just happen in our brain/body. How can we be guilty of what we do not choose.

    Better not put on a fake smile, better not wonder something like: how is my face looking, is it showing sadness… better fix it, smile! smile!- not a healthy way to be.

    You can choose to share about your sadness some but not for two hour straight, that is a matter of choice, to share some and listen to the other person, so that the two share. But to feel sad, and for your face to naturally show it, this is your birthright, no crime in it.

    You shared (and I am remembering correctly, I am almost sure) that your father reprimanded you or hit you when you cried after your mother left, correct? Interesting because that happened to me too. My mother left one night, it was dark, I was about five. She left after fighting with my father, angry, indicating that she will not come back. I cried and my father hit me with a belt because I was crying. I think he didn’t want the noise of me crying.

    But this kind of crying, of a child left by her mother, feeling forever-left by her mother, that crying doesn’t go away. The sound is gone, but the crying keeps going. The attachment of a child to her mother is so very strong, maybe the strongest attachment of all. I think the strongest.

    anita

    #211391
    Kumar
    Participant

    Dear Veronica,

    Since u understood that then it is easy to make progress. U may add in activities below in ur lifestyle:

    @ Meditate – to take in charge  ur mind, otherwise it will drag u everywhere. Quality and consistency of meditation is important than duration. Otherwise u wont see the result

    @ Go to nature – any activity with nature (outdoor), pay attention with everything (not limited to human) while u out there. The purpose is to make yourself realize the existence is vast than ur thoughts and emotion. At least make ur partial exercise as outdoor.

    @ Make solo travel – it will make u independent. You wont simply depend to anyone unless worth.

    @ Don’t pay attention – at least temporarily to whatever makes u depress. This is must to not feed ur mind for depression.

    @ Gardening – to get u in touch with life

    Hopefully this few activities helps you to find stability. No matter what u do consistency is very important to see the result.

    #211861
    Veronica
    Participant

    Hi Anita,

    Lately, I feel less sad. I just accepted the facts that I am lonely that I need love. I stop hating myself for the attention I crave.

    It is what it is. I embrace myself – my flaws, my imperfections, my past. I embrace the child within me. I acknowledge my current situation and that I tried not to judge, despise ir be shame on it. I am sorry that you also had the same experience with me. I wonder, how do you overcome? What was the effect on that event? Was it the same with me?

    #211863
    Veronica
    Participant

    To Kumar,

    Thank you very much. I agree. Consistency is the key. 🙂

    #211897
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    “I stop hating myself for the attention I crave”- not hating yourself is key to healing, to living a better life. Glad to read this from you. Accepting your feelings with empathy (“embrace the child within me”), not judging, not shaming yourself is the way to get better.

    Regarding my experience, the night my mother left, she said she will commit suicide, then she left. I then left in the dark, looking for her, looking for a dead body. I wasn’t crying. I was imagining that I was in a movie, an actress, a movie star, that there was a camera following my every move in the dark. I felt pleasant, separated from the horror of the night.

    Regarding how I overcame… decades later, seven years ago I started my first quality psychotherapy and my ongoing healing process. Much of it is recorded right here, on these forums.

    Back to you, accepting what you feel empathetically, not harming yourself with self hate, is most important. Please adhere to this attitude.

    anita

    #211905
    Veronica
    Participant

    Funny thing is that, I said that stuff yesterday yet today I was incredibly sad. I made stupid mistake and I hear voices in my head how pathetic I am. And there it goes, going back to hating myself. *sigh* how can I stop this cycle?

    If you don’t mind, can I access a link to that thread you mentioned?

    #211907
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    A link to a thread where I shared more about myself, you mean? There is no such one thread. My sharing is hard to find because of my massive posting for a few years now.

    How do you stop the self hate? By noticing when you have a self hating thought, relaxing best you can and repeating to yourself the commitment you made to embrace yourself, to accept yourself. Remember the child that you were, the one crying and holding her mother’s clothing. Think of her with empathy, empathy for that young girl so scared and so very sad. Visualize taking her into your arms, holding her, telling her you are here for her, that you will be helping her along the way, every day.

    anita

    #211975
    Veronica
    Participant

    Reading your response made me cry. The voices that I hear in my head were once the voices I heard when I was young. My father was a perfectionist and strict that whenever I get poor grades, make a honest mistake, doing nothing, he reprimands and scream at me. I still here that voices whenever I make mistakes. This is one of the reasons I don’t take risks.

    #211985
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    A young child has no walls whatsoever to protect herself from a parent’s anger. When your father screamed at you, the child that you were didn’t think: maybe he is wrong screaming at me, let me see, is his accusation valid, is it correct…?

    No, a child believes, automatically, what the parent says and the emotion the parent expresses. When he screamed at you, you believed you deserved it.

    And then, you hear his words, his emotion, way after he said them, because there were no walls, no selective hearing. What you heard stays.

    Only now, slowly, patiently, we can counter that yelling voice, those untrue thoughts with our own calm, true thoughts. Insert some calm into that distress, some truth into that untruth that keeps playing in our brains.

    We literally change our brain chemistry, when we do that. With true thinking and calm, there are feel-good chemicals released in our brain. Over time, we become less addicted (in the title of your thread, Love Addiction) to feeling good by doing this or that which we don’t want to do.. because we feel better.

    I hope you post again and again. I would like to read from you, anytime.

    anita

    #211993
    Veronica
    Participant

    I went back to online dating yesterday. I was so stress, anxious and uneasy that it made me access back. I chat guys to make me feel good.

     

    It was indeed make me feel good. To be admired and desired. It is like a sudden relief I feel. Then again, as I reflect my actions. I think the attention I crave the most was my father’s. His acceptance. Can you help me address this? How to rewire?

    #211999
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Veronica:

    You shared on the previous page that you currently live with your parents, leave home early and come back late. Will you tell me more about your relationship currently with your parents?

    With your father, how is it with him currently? I wonder if you are still trying to reach out to him in some ways, be those ways as subtle as they may be?

    (This will help me understand better, regarding the rewiring question)

    anita

Viewing 15 posts - 31 through 45 (of 52 total)

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