I am a sweet and caring person. I know that about myself. I know that I tend to put other people’s needs above my own (and I’ve been working to learn how to care for myself as well). Something I cannot seem to understand is how shut off I am to emotional connections.

One side of this is my relationships. I’ve never dated someone who made it past being an acquaintance. I never realized it at the time but now I can look back and see how closed off I have been. I choose emotionally unavailable people and cling to them like there is no one else, but never open up because I know I will be rejected. Self-fulfilling prophecy. I see it now. I intend to put an end to dating until I can find a way to be open and find someone I trust being authentic with.

What causes me more pain than this is how I interact with my family. I did not grow up with a lack of love. It just came to me in unhealthy packages and experiences. I am my mother. She sacrifices everything in this world for other people but can’t seem to see any worth in herself (other than being a good mom). We are deeply loved by her. I know my father loves me even though he was not present in my life. He loved us but expected rejection and therefore stopped trying to be in our lives. He assumed that we couldn’t love him so he stopped showing it. My grandparents love me deeply but are so wrapped up in hateful and negative thoughts that being in their presence is discouraging. The energy of my family is not one that lifts me up. I often get the feeling that my sister and I are their claim to fame or the one good thing they did in life. We’re both college graduates and beautiful young ladies. They see our amazing worth but raised us in a way to not be able to see it ourselves.
I don’t feel their love. I know it exists but I don’t share in the experience. I feel so much guilt. I’ve moved away from everyone, don’t visit, don’t call, don’t write…and I see how much it hurts them. I feel as though I could move to a new planet and completely forget everyone I have met along the way. I feel like I should love intensely but I can’t. I don’t think it’s fair to have children just so you can experience love. You are only creating another generation of dysfunctional people who don’t know how to connect with others.

I’ve experienced love for complete strangers. I’ll see a father at the park with his son or a story on the news that strikes the love and compassion that I know is in there. I suppose it’s easier to love someone when you don’t have to know all of their flaws. I love the potential for good in people but it’s so hard to love someone who doesn’t practice self-love. They refuse to let you love them back. Not one person who aided in raising me could see their own potential.

I’ve started breaking out of the belief that I am unlovable. I’ve started to forgive myself for feeling so negative and miserable for what seems like no reason. Forgiving myself is leading to an understanding of my family’s own struggles but I still prefer to be separate. I still tend to fall into some kind of deep depression when I go home to visit. I see how destructive this is and yet I don’t know what to do. If I can’t forgive them, am I not closing off forgiveness to myself and the rest of the world?

I want unconditional love for myself and others but I feel as though there is this mental block. Maybe I just don’t know what it really is or what it looks like.