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Love, Future and Anxiety

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This topic contains 16 replies, has 3 voices, and was last updated by  anita 1 month, 1 week ago.

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  • #207093

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Hi everyone,

    I want to share my long story (sorry if it's too long) and hope someone can help me.

    Me and my partner for 7 years recently cut contact. We met in college and started dating, we both have different religion so from the start I view this relationship just for fun, nothing serious. Well, I fell hard for this guy and we end up dating for 7 years (4 years long distance and the last 2 years with ‘no status'). He's a great and loving guy, has been by my side when I went through some dark times. Yet, because of our different religion I know that it won't end in marriage, so every time the topic came up I always brushed it off and we don't mention it at all. At that time I also thought that he's not really a husband material.

    During our no status phase, we both tried online dating but never got far with anybody. The last time he came to my country to see me, I wasn't in contact with any guy, he tried to fix our status but I refused. I told him that it won't work out, and we are better like this, with no status as boyfriend and girlfriend even though we acted like one. I think I really push him over the edge at that time. When he got back to his country, everything is still fine, we chat with each other all the time and always video call every night. Until one day I can feel him pulling back, I asked if he got another girl, he said no, but someone is interested in him. I feel paranoid, and I panicked when he didn't text me back right away (which i never do). Maybe because I can feel him slowly slipping from me. But even then we still contact each other even though it's getting less intense.

    After a week, I called him and told him, if he want a serious relationship with me, then I'm on board. I told him that I was blind all this time thinking that we won't be able to do this because I never trust him or myself that we can get through it. I told him that I still love him so much and I regret that it took me this long to realize. I now believe that we can do it if we do this together. After I say all that, he told me that he was confused, he felt that I already torn him and he needs time to think about this, and to go away. He said, ‘i don't know if this is good bye or see you later.' I told him, whatever the result is, please tell me. And then we both hang up. We haven't contacted each other since then. It was friday last week.

    At first I feel relieved, maybe because it was me last time who try to break the connection but I was always too weak, and this time it's him. But then, my anxiety starts to kick in. What if I don't find another guy like him who understands me and comfortable with? I have history with depression and he was there to support me. And then, it down spiralled from there, I start to question my self worth, it spread to all aspect of my life, from how i'm not independent and useless. I feel depression slowly creeping in.

    I know that I should give him time to think, but I don't know for how long? Is a month enough time to give him space? I REALLY really don't want to lose him because I love him and we are so strong when I think about it. but I'm prepared for whatever his answer will be.

    I also think that if he decided to leave me for good. Then I will be single forever. I feel like in my country guy my age (27-28) is mostly married or already have gf. Also, I'm introvert, From the time I was still in school it took me a long time to find someone I can be comfortable with. I'm losing hope with everything.

    Can somebody please help me? I'm tired of my own thoughts, it's tiring to overthink everything.

    #207113

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heavyheart:

    I am confused myself. You told him: “I now believe that we can do it if we do this together. After I say all that, he told me that he was confused“.

    Did you tell him that now you want to marry him, that you are willing and able to marry him regardless of the religious difference?

    If this is what you clearly told him, will you be having problems with your family for marrying a man of a different religion? If so, did you discuss this with your parents, and did you tell your (not) boyfriend about such discussion and that you (?) are willing to go against your parents' wishes?

    This is my confusion. I wonder what his confusion is about, what he is not clear about.

    anita

     

    #207143

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thank you for responding. I really appreciate it!

    Yes, I'm willing to marry him regardless of the religious difference. I know that we will have problems with both of our parents, but I'm willing to go through that with him. He was willing to do so previously, but I wasn't. I was always the more logical person in the relationship. And now when I'm finally ready, he feels that his heart is already broken and having a hard time trusting me.

    I have not discuss this with my parents but I know they won't agree because they did find out I was dating him in the early stages of my relationship and did not approve. But we were still together regardless of that.

    #207145

    Michelle
    Participant

    I'm going to say something you probably don't want to hear … this guy knows you used him and the only reason you want him back is because someone else expressed interest. I would be insulted too, to be honest. You can't spend seven years with someone and then tell them “we are not official”, then beg for them back because they are pursuing something they wanted all along.

    I do enter this thread with bias—I was with someone of a different cultural background for two years. He played with my emotions in a similar fashion and it was incredibly hurtful. I personally think you need to leave this guy alone. If there are religious/cultural differences and that is important to your family, it may never work out anyway.

    #207149

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Dear Michelle, thanks for responding to this thread.

    I do know it too that I took him for granted and realized it too late. This is what I regret the most. However I feel like I still need closure because he leave it kind of vaguely. I'm prepared to what ever his answer will be.

    I'm sorry that you've been in his position. If anything this relationship has taught me to be a better person and never took anything for granted.

    #207189

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heavyheart:

    For seven years you were certain he is not husband material, so you wrote, because he is of a different religion and your parents will disapprove.

    Suddenly, in a very short time, and under the influence of strong emotions (once he was in contact with another woman), you changed your mind.

    Problem is, he is still of another religion, your parents will still disapprove, and the only difference now from the seven long years is the emerging of your fear of losing him. This leads me to think that if the guy will answer you with a Yes, and your fear and current strong emotions subside, you might withdraw again with a No, the same No as before.

    What do you think?

    anita

    #207325

    Michelle
    Participant

    I agree with Anita that this is just your ego causing the strong emotions to rise. You've lost your safety net.

    People should not be treated as safety nets.

    Your culture probably wouldn't approve of the union. If you didn't feel it in you to welcome him in your life officially for seven years, it's not worth it now as the conflict and drama with family would be very hard on you both. I wish you luck with a future partnership/arrangement that works for all parties. The only thing I would suggest is writing him an apology for stringing him along for seven years. That would probably go a long way to ensuring that things don't end on an entirely bad note.

    #207381

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Dear Anita and Michelle,

    I think I’m going to search my feelings to find the truth. Maybe my judgement was clouded.

    Thank you for taking your time to reply and giving suggestions. I really appreciate that.

     

    #207413

    anita
    Participant

    You are welcome, heavyheart. Post again anytime, if you would like to.

    anita

    #213975

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Hi Anita and everyone,

    I'd like to share an update. I took your suggestion to give him and myself time to think. I didn't expect any communication from him after he cut contact with me. I've been praying more and meditating. And then two weeks after no contact, he suddenly texted me and we catch up with each other. We still text each other until now, even though it's not as frequent or intense as before.

    He's planning to come to my country, his excuse is to go to see an exhibition (which we did planned before all of this is happening) so he asked me to go with him and I accepted his invitation. But he's been sending me mixed signal with the way he communicate with me and that makes me confused as to what is his true intention. I don't know if he want to officially cut ties with me face to face (but he will be staying here for 3 nights which makes me wonder if that's really the case) or to fix our relationship.

    As for myself, I've been thinking and I still want a relationship with him for real this time. That is if he wants the relationship as well. He's coming in a few days and my anxiety has been increasing. I've been crying a lot as I overthink every worst possible scenario.

    I just want your opinion if I'm doing the right thing or should I approach this any other way.

    Thanks! 🙂

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  heavyheart.
    #213983

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heavyheart:

    I am glad you posted again. Let's put his intention aside for a moment and look into your intention. You wrote: “I still want a relationship with him for real this time”-

    What does “for real” means, what will be different?

    And how can or will you marry him when your parents disapprove, him being of a different religion- are you willing and ready to marry him without your parents' approval, and if they choose to cut all contact with you if you marry him, are you willing and ready to marry him anyway and have no contact with your parents?

    anita

    • This reply was modified 1 month, 2 weeks ago by  anita.
    #214015

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Hi Anita, thanks for replying.

    I will talk to my parents about us and try to make them understand our position. I've done my research and marriage between two religion is possible. Or if one of us have to switch religion then I'm ok with that. I do believe that my parents will understand my point of view even though I know that it will be hard for them to understand at first. I still want to try and inform this to my parents because if I don't try then I will never know.

    Also my point is that even when you are married and in the same religion it doesn't guarantee that you will have successful marriage anyway. I feel like both side need to work together. Also his dad changed his religion to marry his mom and the marriage was not good, so I think he will understand when I say that we still can work this out even if we both believe in different religion.

    Beside this obvious challenge, I do really love him. I don't know if his feeling towards me has changed, but I do love him.

    #214017

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heavyheart:

    You are welcome. I think that if the two of you intend to restart a relationship, first thing on both your parts, before you restart a relationship, will need to be resolving the parents item. Your parents already disapproved of your relationship with him years ago, at the beginning of it. You did your research, you wrote in your recent post, but that doesn't mean your parents will be open to it, to the possibility of marriage between the two religions.

    Personally I am okay with an individual getting married even though the marriage is disapproved of  by the parents. But doesn't read to me that you are okay with it. This is why this is a priority item, to be resolved before restarting a relationship.

    He would need to talk to his parents as well, if their approval or disapproval is an issue for him.

    anita

    #214037

    heavyheart
    Participant

    Yes I agree, I think we need to compromise, and if in the end we can't then it's no point getting back together if we end up in limbo again. Thank you for your advise and if you don't mind I'd like to update you after our meet up.

    Thanks again Anita, hope you have a great day ahead 🙂

    #214043

    anita
    Participant

    Dear heavyheart:

    You are welcome and I would like you to update me after your meet up. Will be looking forward to your update. Thank you or the good wishes.

    anita

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