Hi Lea,

Love will find you when it finds you. You will one day fall in love again whether you are scared of it or not. Ready or not, love will happen. In the meantime, enjoy life as a single person. Paradoxically, the more you become happy on your own, the more likely love is to find you!

As for the ex, he sounds like the type to eventually have many girlfriends and even a marriage or two. But don’t sweat it. He is on a misguided journey.

Best,

Inky

Hi Lea,

Your story sounds like mine, you’re not alone. Without going into too much detail, let me share you my story & how I have found love again..
So my ex relationship was similar to yours described, he was messaging his ex & I put the blame on myself. He played games,  he had narcissistic traits, & just generally turned everything onto me, we lived together & at the time I thought he was “the one”.  Looking back he couldn’t have been any further than “the one”.
I had previous bad relationships before him & he always promised me a better life.

Anyway, when we split up it was horrendous.. I decided to be single for as long as it took to heal & it took just over a year. In this year I read countless books (I’ll name them below), articles, videos on YouTube & had some counselling, I went to Africa on a Humanitarian trip & even enrolled myself onto a course to become a Counsellor! A lot happened that year, but mainly growth & realisations. I guess what I’m trying to say is it’s all about you & who you attract & how you deal with things. I found that although yes my ex boyfriend wasn’t the nicest man in the end, I allowed myself to accept his bad behaviours & his red flags in the beginning of our relationship, which inevitably set me up to fail. I’m not saying him leaving you for someone else is your fault, but going forward, when we can be the best version of ourselves, looking after ourselves as much mentally as we do physically, we’ll attract someone who respects us as much as we respect ourself.

When I met my current partner I was anxious & I communicated this to him, but I didn’t come across as a victim, I explained that this is why I may be a little reserved etc & we took things extremely slow. He had to work for me, he didn’t just receive me like all my ex boyfriends did, & boy did he work for me, bless him. He knew I saw my worth, therefore he also saw my worth. & as soon as something happened that I didn’t like, I’d express that to him & we’d sort it out together & move forward, he then knew I wasn’t messing around wasting my time & that I could openly & honestly communicate, or leave at any time.
It is scary, but what you’ve got to remember is that a new person isn’t an old person, & thinking & saying things to yourself like “I’m going to get hurt again because..” is self limiting language. You are in charge of your life, & if you’re scared of getting hurt again all you can do is recognise these behaviours etc & act on them. I dated my current partner for around 4 months before becoming “official”. We spent the weekend away together, I asked him lots of questions, ones you’d probably feel awkward asking. See it as being an interviewer interviewing an employee to work for you, you want to make sure they’re the right person for the job, same as a boyfriend (ok don’t sit & ask him 100 questions word for word on paper) but you need to make sure he is a right match for you. Make sure you can communicate, not just about easy stuff, but hard stuff too. Make sure that all values and needs are being met. Mine for example are: communication, honestly, loyalty, love – if my partner didn’t match those I wouldn’t have became his girlfriend. Would  you buy something in the shop you don’t actually like?

What do you think?

Dear Lea,

Although I haven’t been through the same ordeals as you, your story resonates with me. I am the type of person who wears my heart on my sleeve, I’m an open book and I am very loving. When I am falling for someone or even in the early stages I truly give it my all. I have been told I am too nice, etc. but I still refused to change my ways.

This has caused me a lot of pain. I have been broken up with many times, hurt, left by someone I care about with no explanation, but I believe we all go through these things. I think each of these experiences served their purpose, every one of these ‘loves’ although at the time it may be hard to see what the purpose was.

There came a time where I felt jaded and didn’t want to open up or trust again. However, I realized that I shouldn’t let these bad experiences or people who hurt me turn me into a cold and hard person. I love the person who I am who is loving, open, and goes all-in. And I know the person who is right for me will love that about me instead of wishing I was any different or take advantage.

The person I am with now does love that about me – and slowly I am learning to trust him and to not project residual pain and damage from previous lovers onto him because he isn’t them. It takes some opening up and getting used to, and pain and broken hearts are never inevitable, but I am a STRONG believer in “it’s better to have loved and lost, than to never have loved at all.”

Hope this helps.

Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire

Why People-Pleasers Don’t Get the Love and Respect They Desire