Dear Sammie:

Welcome back to the forums!  “My friends didn’t really believe me. How could they? They see the polished, put together version of him. I saw the monster that lay beneath the surface“-

– you’ve seen the monster the first time you were introduced to him: “The first time I was introduced to him, he lured me to his apartment under false pretences… We get to his apartment and he offers me a drink… He starts talking about my shoes and how I should take them off…  he came over to me to forcefully take off my shoes himself. I fought him off and he grabbed me by the wrists. I had to fight him off me“.

You told your friends about his behavior (I see it as a physical assault, an attempted rape), but they “didn’t really believe” you. “They said he was having a bad day“, and you felt guilty for making “an issue out of nothing“. You saw him times again when he wasn’t that bad (“he was not always this bad“), and eventually, you got into a relationship with him, a relationship that turned out to be that bad: “I had no autonomy over my mind or my body. ‘No’ was not a word he understood… My body was his whenever he wanted. He told me it wasn’t mine anymore… I was losing control of my reality. Constantly being told I was a liar and manipulator… (I was) begging and pleading for forgiveness while being gaslit… He has been cheating on me throughout the relationship… He would look at me with pure disdain on his face, sometimes with cold, unfeeling, vacant eyes. It was like I was looking at a beast to be feared“.

“Where has the nice version of him gone?… I wonder, why would someone treat me like this? How could he be so cruel yet tell me I needed to be better? How could he call me a liar when he was cheating on me?“-

– reads like the nice version of him was pushed down when the monster, the beast to be feared took over. I am sorry that you- and others- have been on the receiving end of his abuses.

“My life is dancing. I perform in shows. I have lots of friends and my heart is full of love for them. While I was with him, my life was grey. Now my life shimmers iridescent. I’m a world traveler. I’ve seen incredible places and met even more incredible people. I am loved. I am very fortunate and I am always grateful… But sometimes, on days like today, I miss him. I miss what we should have been. I miss what we could have been…I have a new boyfriend now. It’s different. It’s calm. It’s safe. But I feel empty. I feel apathy. I worry that I won’t be able to feel again. Thank you for listening to my story.“-

– You are welcome, and thank you for telling your story. Talking about versions, reads like perhaps you too have two versions: one is a loved, iridescent, very fortunate, dancing, a world-traveler version, and the other version is.. you tell me (if you relate to what I am saying)..?

anita

Dear  Sammie:

In the first part of my reply, I want to go over some of what you shared in your previous thread Broken After Being Left (he disappeared), May 26 – June 3, 2023: you shared that your previous boyfriend routinely lied to you, cheated on you, ignored you, disappeared and came back to you, only to disappeared again, and he did all this throughout the years-long relationship.

On your part, you tried to be thoughtful and understanding of him (“I tried to be thoughtful and compassionate as he has family issues and problems with his mum… I was always trying to be understanding…  I could see he was hurting deeply and I picked up on low self esteem“), while being scared of him (“I was very scared of emotional abuse and him being cold to me. He would hide his emotions so I was afraid of what he could be like if angered but never actually saw him angry“), angry at him (“I did nothing wrong. I tried to be lovely all the time and it isn’t fair because he lied and cheated. It feels like bad people always win. It’s not fair“), confused and in disbelief (“I’m stuck in a loop of confusion and it is preventing me from moving forward… I feel anger sometimes but mostly I’m in disbelief. I’d say I can’t believe that it came so out of the blue“).

You shared that you were scared of being alone, and “I’ve not been without a boyfriend since I was 13 (I’m now 34 years old)“, that you don’t know how to meet new people (“I’m 34 and I don’t know how to meet new people”), and: “When I am well, I am self sufficient. I own my house, travel by myself and generally don’t have any problems making new friends“.

You also shared: “I’m petite and very small…  I’m a scientist for my job“, “I don’t want a repetition of this pain and trauma“, and “I would like the option of being able to meet someone when I am ready but at the moment I see the damage that my last relationship has caused. It is currently preventing me from having a future with someone new. I’m not sure how to get past this fear of men when they are potential romantic partners“.

Fast forward from June 2023 to Aug 21, 2024: “I’ve been all over the world since last we spoke – Italy, Japan, Singapore, Indonesia, the Philippines. I’ve had so many incredible experiences and met incredible people. Life has been challenging and put my faith in the wrong person again but I have learned more life lessons” (in your old thread).

In your new thread Loving Again After A Toxic Relationship (Aug 2024), you shared that you are a dancer and performer (“My life is dancing. I perform in shows“), that in the last year or so, you had another toxic relationship that was concluded, that you have lots of friends and a new boyfriend: “I have a new boyfriend now. It’s different. It’s calm. It’s safe“,  but in regard to the most recent abusive ex-boyfriend, you wrote (Aug 21, 2024): “But sometimes, on days like today, I miss him. I miss what we should have been. I miss what we could have been… I feel empty. I feel apathy. I worry that I won’t be able to feel again“.

You shared that when you were first introduced to your most recent abusive boyfriend, he lured you to his apartment and tried to take off your shoes: “My instinct was that I was very tall in my shoes, taller than him and while I am taller, he cannot make a move on me. I need to keep my shoes on to be safe“- I understand your need at the time to keep your high heeled shoes on, because as you shared a year ago, you are “petite and very small“, and therefore, more vulnerable to physical abuse or attack, even by a man as short as this most recent abusive man was (being that you, a petite and very small woman, even on high heeled shoes, was taller than him).

In your most recent post, you shared that the most recent abusive boyfriend told you that you needed to stop lying (“He said I needed to stop lying all the time about who I am and about being good at things“), that you’ve been having therapy last year and currently, and that the “therapy at the moment is focusing on switching the narrative away from the things this awful man said to me and instead focusing on my self confidence“.

To me, you wrote: “Anita, thank you for your words“- you are welcome!

“Your words have validated me. For so long I’ve been treated like I’ve been making a fuss over nothing. My instincts were to stay away, but I was told otherwise by people who had not witnessed what I had“- I didn’t witness your experience at his apartment the night he lured you in, just as your friends didn’t witness it. My reaction was based on what you shared. I have no idea (!!!) how anyone, based on what you shared with them (if it’s the same as what you shared on your thread) can possibly perceive his behavior on that night as okay, or as him just having a bad day (“They said he was having a bad day“).

“The two versions of my life: the one where I feel grey, controlled, attacked. Or the one where I am surrounded by people I love and who love me back, in a supportive and warm environment“- I wonder if most of the time, when one version is On, the other is Off, as in, it’s one version or the other?

“I’ve been upset today. It’s hard sometimes with my new boyfriend because his kind words and support can be jarring and can catch me off guard“- kind words are jarring and catch you off guard; abusive words (such as the two ex-boyfriends’ words) are calming, in a way (opposite to jarring), something expected?

Abusive words and behaviors/ emotional abuse.. is something you experienced as a child, growing up? (Of course, you don’t have to answer any of my questions).

It might be that abusive men are excite you, in that their abusive behavior trigger your child intense hope that this time, the abuser will change into a nice person, just for you.

“Then when I think humans can be so nice so why are there humans who can be so cruel?“- my mother was both at different times: very nice, or very cruel. I grew up very confused, and only recently have I experienced a much-needed clarity.

“Change the narrative, I found the strength to stand up for myself and I’ve moved forward to a better life. I don’t feel scared anymore. I don’t feel anxious…“- is this the 2nd version of you: the confident, iridescent, loved, very fortunate, and always grateful (your words) version of you?

anita

Dear Sammie:

I will be able to read and reply Fri morning (it’s Wed afternoon here). Feel free to add any number of posts before I return, sharing your thoughts, feelings and insights.

anita

Dear Sammie:

Responding to your first post: “Should I stay in the abuse environment I was in OR reclaim my sparkle. I did the latter, I chose me“- the right choice, of course!

“I told my friends the story the way I told it to you… I told my friends about this and they said ‘oh it’s just because he wanted to kiss you, just don’t wear lipstick anymore’.. My friends, they used to say to me ‘he’s a sensitive soul”“- the wrong kind of friends: siding with your abuser, minimizing and denying his abuse of you. There is a saying: With friends like that, who needs enemies?

“I was always on edge because he would always be finding things that were wrong. Silly things like I had cut the celery sticks too short or I didn’t hear him calling me when I was reading my book… I’m sorry to hear this about your mother. That must be very painful to deal with and process“- thank you. My mother criticized me similarly to how your boyfriend criticized you, about trivial matters, and I was indeed a child/ a teenager/ a person almost-always on edge when around her/ people in general, fearing the next and the next, and the next criticism.

“In terms of abusive words as a child, I never had them directed at me. I witnessed my dad being verbally abusive to my mum though. As I child I would defend my mum and protect my sister“- your empathy was with your mother, you felt her pain; so it was as if your father’s abusive words were directed at you.

“I’ve always been very strong and sure of myself which is why I feel very ashamed that I’ve been with two men who I’ve let treat me terribly“- you were very strong too early in your life, at an age when you needed someone strong to rely on, someone to defend and protect you. A child’s strength when it comes to defending a parent (role reversal) cannot be counted on as the kind of strength to serve you as an adult. It’s like building a house (strength) on ground that is not solid (mature) yet.

“I have had healthy relationships… I’m trying to focus on the positives. I feel very fortunate as I have amazing friends and family and I’m lucky enough to travel a lot. But there is a fine line between focusing on the positives and not processing things“- a fine line between focusing on the positives and not processing the negatives..

When you say (in the quote above) amazing friends, are you including the “friends” who repeatedly and from the beginning sided with your abuser (most recent ex)?

I am wondering if you are focusing on the positives and denying (not acknowledging and therefore, not processing) the negatives.

Responding to your second (most recent) post: you are welcome! “I can be playful and silly. There was an evening where he had bought some crisps that I really liked and I had a bowl in front of me. When he went to the bathroom, I hid them and pretended I had eaten them all. Obviously, it was a joke… Two days later, when he was picking at me he said ‘and you’re SO selfish. Look how you ate all the crisps the other day’. I had to remind him how that was a prank and I had hidden them, not eaten them and we both ate them. He didn’t apologise for calling me selfish, he didn’t even acknowledge that what I had said happened“- this is very meaningful. It means that his motivation is not to respond to what is truly happening around him (you being playful), but to what happened around him a long time ago, before he ever met you. Someone else was selfish around him (his mother, I am guessing, because you shared that he had problems with her), and he projected her into you.

“On one occasion he was coming over to my house to see me and I asked if there was anything he would like me to get from the store. He said ‘wow, that’s so kind. You’re really changing, you’ve never done anything like this before’“- it’s like he is talking to his mother, responding to the then-and-there, not in the here-and-now.

“When I tried to explain that I ALWAY do things like this, he then went onto say ‘well, what do you do for me other than cook?’“- if he wasn’t abusive, I would have felt very sad for him because he is carrying with him lots of anger at his mother because she (not you) was probably very selfish or self-centered and deprived him, as a boy, from the attention and consideration that he deserved.

“I had to listen to him tell me how bad my behaviour was and how I didn’t support him… He then started quizzing me about how much I knew him and started testing me… I was always in the wrong. No matter what I did, no matter how hard I tried, nothing made a difference. I was always an awful selfish girl“- nothing you said or did made a difference because he was not hearing you, he was not seeing you and he was not responding to you.

“It continued with the same narrative – I am a liar. I am a manipulator… He told me I was dark inside“- this is someone he grew up with: his mother (and/ or his father, or another caretaker, I don’t know his childhood circumstances or history).

“What I am struggling with is how could someone be so cruel yet so unaware of what they were doing? How could he justify treating me like this?“- I think that he is stuck in his childhood, trying to resolve severe emotional conflicts he still has with people in his childhood..  in present circumstances, with new people (you).

“What I’ve told you is just the tip of the iceberg… I’ve not even really touched on how my body was his and his to have whenever he wanted“- I am guessing that he needed and wanted his mother’s (or another caretaker’s) attention and presence in his life, so badly, but didn’t get it. Fast forward, projecting the caretaker into you, angry, he took your attention/ your presence/ your body whenever he wanted.

“I want to have a peaceful and loving life. I want to love my new boyfriend. I trust him… My gut KNOWS he is a good person. I just feel stuck at the moment. Stuck wanting closure from the past“- closure from the past with your most recent ex, the one before him.. and closure from the past of your own childhood, which was not peaceful and loving?

anita

Hi Sammie

Congratulations on being selected to perform a new routine. You must be really talented to be a professional dancer! I hear that it is very hard to get into.

I’m glad to hear that you are receiving professional support.

I think that he picked apart your confidence to manipulate you. Someone with high confidence is harder to manipulate. It was never about you or who you are, it was about making you feel small, so you would not fight back.

You are still the same amazing person you have always been. He was actually threatened by that. There is frankly no truth to the things he said.

Your friends are not great judges of character. It would be better to ask someone else about these kinds of things.

Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏