June 30, 2023 at 10:33 am #420626lunaryoginiParticipant
<p class=”p1″>My fiancé and I have been together for two and a half years. We recently got engaged in April of this year. In the first year of our relationship, it was very difficult for me because he was still married but separated from his wife. It took 9 months from the time we first started dating for them to get divorced because he was trying to save money by not hiring a lawyer, and she was still getting her United States citizenship so they didn’t want to mess anything up with that process. </p>
<p class=”p1″>I was under the impression that they were not seeing each other in person at all and trusted that he was not seeing her at all. However, I found out months after their divorce that she had been coming to their house to pay attention to their two cats that they adopted together and to pick up things from the house that were hers. It didn’t bother me that she did this, but it bothered me that he was there at the house when she came there and that he lied to me about it. He also got sushi with her after they got divorced and lied to me about this as well. I didn’t find out for months after this happened. For a while I was worried that he had cheated on me, but after hearing more about the situation I don’t think he did. The reason they separated was because of a lack of intimacy in their relationship and he says that they were just trying to be amicable. He says he would be willing to take a polygraph test to prove that he hasn’t cheated on me as well. The reason he lied was because he was scared of my reaction because he knew I was very uptight about anything to do with his ex wife.</p>
<p class=”p1″>Fast forward about 1.5 years and I have done a lot of healing regarding this whole situation and recovering from the hurt of the lying. </p>
<p class=”p1″>This morning I was looking over our shared bank accounts and something came up along the lines of “EV raffle” for $230 so I questioned him about it. He lied and said that he did it last year and it must have rolled over into this year. While it was true that he did do this raffle last year (and never told me about it), this charge was on a bank account that we haven’t even had for a year so I knew it was a lie. I don’t think $230 is a big deal but I am feeling very hurt and betrayed that he would lie to me about something so silly like this. I can see that lying is a pattern for him because he is scared of my reaction if he would just tell me the truth. I tend to have big reactions to things like this so his fear in my reaction is justifiable. However I still see that lying is his pattern and I am questioning if I should even continue our engagement at this point. I worry about what else he has lied to me about and what else he would lie to me about in the future. I worry that this pattern will continue in the future. We share finances, run two businesses together and spend all of our time together.</p>
<p class=”p1″>Any external insight or advice on this situation would be appreciated.</p>June 30, 2023 at 10:33 am #420629Sarah Jeanne BrowneParticipant
Roll of thumb: Lying = Leave.
Gut feelings are never wrong.June 30, 2023 at 1:59 pm #420631RobertaParticipant
Did he close his personal account and ask the bank to move all his standing orders & direct debits over to the new joint account? If so it could be an oversight that he did not weed out redundant debits.
If you choose to continue with this relationship then you both may benefit from couples counselling so that your relationship can flourish and each of you heal these underlying problems that you each appear to have.June 30, 2023 at 2:13 pm #420633lunaryoginiParticipant
He did admit to the lying, so it was definitely a lie that it was a rollover from last year.
Thank you for your insight. I have a lot to meditate on and think about here whether I really want to stay or leave. Couples counseling is a good idea if I decide to stay.July 1, 2023 at 1:24 am #420640RobertaParticipant
The reason he lied was because he was scared of my reaction because he knew I was very uptight about anything to do with his ex wife
I have reread your original post. This man managed to have an amicable divorce ( major bonus points), which I think says a lot and it was you who took issue with the way that these two people chose to handle their affairs ( pets can have similar entanglement to children) which appears to led to him becoming secretive.
It makes me wonder what trust issues you have had before meeting this gentleman?