Made an horrible mistake. So many dilemmas

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This topic has 9 replies, 6 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 10 months ago by Karen.

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January 1, 2015 at 6:56 am #70084
Karen
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I have a confession to make: I have cheated .
I was a very insecure person, who absorbed too much of what other people said instead of trusting her best judgment. Long story short, I was going out with a guy and we weren’t official, but were getting serious about each other. Then came another in my life, a foreign fling who was scheduled to visit me a long time before I met the other one. I couldn’t cancel his stay anymore.
I thought I wouldn’t re experience feelings for him, but I did. And instead of following my conscience warning me it was wrong, I decided to go with the advice of people telling me that, if we weren’t official, I could do whatever I wanted with both.
And we went as far as sexual, even though my conscience was screaming against it.
Now, three months later, there’s isn’t a second I don’t regret it. It was the worst error I have ever made. I’m in such pain I can’t find joy in anything anymore. Now I understand that words (serious relationship, going out) are meaningless: what I cheated were the other guy’s true feelings.
Nobody likes cheaters. Nobody has any kind of compassion towards us (understandably). Neither did I, until I found myself like this.
Do I deserve to forgive myself? I’ve already told the other person the truth. Do I still deserve to love myself and have a happy life and bring happiness to others even though this error puts me among the worst of human beings? Even though I learned many lessons from this, I feel I’ll never be as good as somebody who never cheated. I don’t think I deserve to be happy, but if I’m miserable it will only affect the good people around me. What do I do?
- This topic was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Karen.
- This topic was modified 9 years, 10 months ago by Karen.
January 1, 2015 at 9:53 am #70093

Peace
Participant

Yes, you deserve to forgive and love yourself.
You said you told the other person the truth, and now you’re miserable. Are you still together? You’re right in that you don’t need labels or even rings to be serious with someone. You need to be there in your own head. If you broke up, you’d probably be miserable bc of that so don’t let it add to your guilt over cheating. You admit your behavior was horrible now begin to take steps to improve. Taking steps means actively changing your behavior or response to a certain situation for the better. It does not mean just saying “I’ll never do that again.” I would say if you’re asking friends about your relationship status instead of the person you’re with (did he even know your friend was visiting?) then one active step would be learning how to communicate with a partner like you do with your friends. Another step would be to reflect on your insecurities. You admitted you were an insecure person, now 3 guilt-ridden months later, you’re not? Read through the great articles and posts on this site and really make the attempt to love yourself. It’ll take a while but you deserve it.

January 1, 2015 at 4:34 pm #70106

Sarah
Participant

Yes you can forgive yourself. I hope that things may work out still with the guy, now that you were honest and told him the truth. I too have made these mistakes in the (not too distant) past, and I am not proud of what I did. And I really sometimes still hate myself deeply for being stupid and not loving myself or my partner enough to refrain from some cheap thrill. And I’ve been told some horrible things about myself since it happened, and decided I don’t want to be those things (heartless, hurtful, evil), even though I made the mistake, it is not who I truly believe I am. I’m a deeply insecure person, and have learnt now that I need to work on this to be able to be in a stable relationship without self-sabotage and hurting others. Take this as a lesson and learn from it.

So I am going to start back at basics, invest time into being who I need to be to be a better human being and not hurt others with my actions and have self-respect and respect for those in my life who choose to love me. You need to love yourself at the end of the day cos sometimes that is the only person we have, and that is okay. You are lovable, worthy and everyone makes mistakes. Don’t let this mistake define who you are, learn from it and don’t make the same mistake again. Good luck!

January 2, 2015 at 9:22 am #70117

Anne
Participant

It’s ok human! You made a mistake perhaps, but you understand now what you want. So get over beating yourself up, that will help no one. Don’t let “guilt” ruin your true love and possible future. Go with the good feelings and just try not to ever cause yourself those bad feelings again. it is passed. It was a learning experience for YOU. THAT’S ALL! Smile and feel the love that you cherish grateful that you found the “right” one through such difficult trials, that’s life. Be free! We are here to experience ALL sorts of crazy things and you have ruined NOTHING!! So it’s OK!! : )

January 2, 2015 at 1:42 pm #70127

Mike
Participant

If there truly is a spiritual force at work in the universe and what the religions and Jesus said was true I can see it I this situation. Why did you commit this action that you now feel guilt over. We aren’t punished for sin, but we are punished by sin. Jesus told those who he healed that they would be forgiven for there sins if they believed they could be forgiven. He drove out the demons of those who had so much guilt some were paralyzed or blinded because of it. Right now you being haunted by a demon let it go. We are all tempted and later punished by our own guilt. But that is a good reazon to follow a philosophy of life. Overall, never put yourself in a situation like that again, be honest about it with yourself, a d concentrate on yourself being present to things besides just physical sensations and i know you said you were fighting yourself in your head, the ego(devil on our shoulder) can be very convincing which is why it is best to learn methods of hearing it but not listening. Then if you want you can give your all to someone and not worry and feel guilty of past mistakes.

January 2, 2015 at 5:57 pm #70129

Adam
Participant

Hello,

My heart goes out to you because I can tell this has taken a toll on you. To answer your question, of course you deserve to forgive yourself. You deserve happiness and love just as much as every person on this planet. Sometimes, we have to go through experiences like this in order to learn from them. Regardless, you can choose to see this experience as an opportunity to be a better partner and individual and by doing so, will gain so much more than you can now understand.

My advice would be to truly understand how you could have handled the situation differently. Accept your share of responsibility and apologize for what you feel you did wrong. Be as honest with them as you have been with yourself and take steps to moving on with your life. This experience shouldn’t loom over your head for the rest of your life and by taking immediate steps to fix the problem, you’ll be doing just that.

Beating yourself up and making yourself feel even worse isn’t helping anyone so it’s time to change your approach to the situation. Take responsibility, apologize, and let it go. You are not defined by your past and you’re not going to benefit from making yourself feel bad. This is your opportunity to become the person you want to be rather than the person you used to be.

I hope this helps you and I sincerely wish you the best of luck.

thepathofaronin.blogspot.com is my personal blog. Use it if you ever need advice.

January 4, 2015 at 11:35 am #70181

Karen
Participant

Thank you all for your lovely responses. You people have great hearts.
But somehow my story gets even uglier.
I had already broken up with my boyfriend simply because I wasn’t in love with him anymore (even though I still cared deeply, admired him, and knew he was a gem). It was 3 months of us trying to save an unsavable relationship. Just… without my permission, my passion for him started to slip away. And there wasn’t a single damn thing I could do about it. I must have read every page on the Internet about long term relationships. I tried to fix it in every way I could. And in the end, I just wasted both our times.
Anyways when I broke up, I thought I’d feel relieved, because that’s how dumpers are supposed to feel. But I didn’t. I entered a turmoil of guilt and confusion and other things I can’t even name, I had never felt before. And I couldn’t stop thinking about the cheating. I wanted to be forgiven, desperately, I wanted peace. So I told him the whole truth only after we part.
Now that I think about it, I should have spared him from this pain. We could maintain a friendly contact. Again, I screwed up badly. Again, I was selfish. Again, I was impulsive.
And we’re going to see each other everyday for the next four years.
I want to die. The least I could do was to love him. Now, do you still believe I deserve any good? I’m no good. This is unforgivable. I hope nobody else will be unfortunate enough to love me.

January 4, 2015 at 3:00 pm #70195

Anne
Participant

Ohhhh next 4 yrs together… you’re in college? You sound like me as a 17 yr old ( I am 44 now). Then, I would feel- did feel – like a horrible person and that I should punish myself forever for my average/normal wrongdoings when I was your age too. Eh you’re just young hun, this stuff happens every day all throughout history! It is part of loving and learning and there is NO WAY around that in most people’s lives.
It is good and beautiful that you are so compassionate and loving that it pains you this much to hurt another being, some people don’t even flinch at it! Some people have affairs on their partners for years and it ruins families. Some very selfish people take these things too lightly and discard people like trash – and you on the other hand dear might be taking it to heavily.
Intention is important. Did you set out to cause harm? Are you a bad person who likes to hurt people or doesn’t care if she does? NO!
Do you care about yourself and others enough to fix the thing you feel you did wrong? YES! Should anyone stay with the wrong person just so he or she doesn’t get hurt? NO WAY!
I see your ID now, you are 17 ya?
You are a SWEET person. This experience is normal adventure of life. Experimenting is necessary all throughout life for us to find out what we really want. Because you are such a sweet caring loving person you will probably attract many people romantically. It is painful and hard for someone who feels so deeply as you seem to to reject people. I can’t bear to cause another to feel hurt ever and I have gotten myself into more than a few complicated situations trying to avoid it but it never works it just messes it up more.
As far as I see you did the right thing to break up if it was not feeling right for you. You were not going to get through life without that experience anyway, I mean some people meet in high school and stay together until they die but that is a very small percentage. So = NORMAL LIFE.
Up until the 1960s women used to be courted by many men at once and they had the right to choose without guilt but now there is almost always sex involved even so young – so we have to see one at a time and things get serious before we even know if it right. Life is just complicated stuff – it is not always clean and neat and perfect.
Watch almost any Hollywood movie and you will see how HORRIBLE people can be to each other in romantic relationships…YOU ARE NOT THIS!
You are good.
I am one who happens to agree with you that admitting the truth might be a selfish act in order to be relieved of guilt. If you have guilt that is yours to bear, not to be made into pain for someone else. BUT I am impressed that you have concluded that on your own so young! So good job!!! REALLY.
You will be deeply loved maybe many many times in your life. And then perhaps by only one forever and ever after.
I know that you will still beat yourself up for a while probably, and then that feeling WILL disappear.
Just don’t forget what you learned.
Free yourself an watch “Abaraham Hicks” “relationship” on Youtube.

January 4, 2015 at 3:33 pm #70198

Karen
Participant

My own therapist said I should have no regrets and shouldn’t let him keep me from doing whatever I wanted with my life, since I wasn’t his girlfriend. Why the hell did I listen… I thought that looming feeling of guilt was the thing I should defy and beat. Now I see it was a friend I should have listened to. I thought doing this meant reinforcing myself… now I only see it as ignoring my values, my inner self.
I was pure evil. I betrayed and abandoned him. I hate myself for what I did.

January 5, 2015 at 5:48 pm #70569

Karen
Participant

Thank you loveisfree for your kind words.
Yes, I’m in college… I’m 18, actually. I’m… trying to convince myself I felt good things toward him. Even though I screwed things up bad, there was a good side to it. He opened up to me about pains that he couldn’t get over and even though I felt bad, I always tried to be there for him. He once said that I had been his pillar through this semester, and that I was his savior. Now I don’t know whether he takes back these words…
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