Dear Lily, Forum Friend:

To get to know you, I ask:

You were 19, homeless (estranged from family), and with a baby: how did that come about? What happened???

anita

Dear Lily:

So your mother kicked you out of the house because you were sick with ulcers… as a reaction to her fighting with her husband in front of you and involving you in their fighting, is that correct? She kicked you out of the house when you were a teenager because you suffered the consequences of her mistreatment of you (putting you in the middle of her fighting and divorce)?

Are you in a relationship with your mother presently? What kind of a relationship is it? Did at anytime in all these years after she kicked you out, did she ever acknowledge with much regret the wrong she has done to you?

I am asking this because there is a strong connection between those early relationships, those with parents, and relationships later on, with friends and partners.

Hoping we keep talking, Forum Friend:

anita

Dear Lily:

I am not surprised you didn’t seer it this way because when we are children we don’t see what is too threatening to see. Children often do not see their parents as they are, and as a result we, children (and adult children) do not see us as we are.

I am glad you don’t have contact with your mother anymore. I don’t have contact with mine either. That makes you and i rare as most adult children have contact with their mothers … no matter how abusive the mother was.

As children we develop, our mind develops as we interact with the mother (main caretaker), not separately. So without healing from abusive interactions, we remain a certain way not knowing there can be another way, or ways.

I think that it can be useful for you to gain more insight into the relationship that was between you and your mother so to free some (what I call) knots in the brain that are causing your distress and lack of contentment. See, having had a relationship with a “perfect” mother had to make you Imperfect all the time. If she had to be perfect all the time, it means that whenever there was a disagreement, a conflict of any kind, she had to be Right and you had to be Wrong. This kind of relationship leaves a very bad taste in one’s mouth as to what relationships are about. If this is how it is to have a relationship, then a relationship is not something positive or comforting… or loving. Not with a friend and not with a partner. So no wonder you are not inclined for such.

What do you think, Forum Friend?

anita

Dear Lily:

It is a social taboo to have no contact with one’s mother. I am very familiar with it. In this regard, you and I are rebels.

Regarding what is socially acceptable: it used to be acceptable for a parent to kill their children with no legal consequences. It was socially acceptable.Parents still get lots of freedom to severely damage their children, for life, with no legal consequences, so progress still needs to be made in what is acceptable and what is not.

How to forge meaningful, positive, loving, helpful relationship after … well, having no experience with such, is the question? A good one. I would say: look at the small interactions you do presently have with people, including here, on this thread. Learn from those and over time you get the very experience you need, starting small.

You look at the interactions you do have and pay attention: the interaction needs to be a Win-Win proposition. There needs to be something positive in it for you and for him/ her. It needs not be a Lose-Win, that is the other person is getting what he needs (be it a temporary relief of some kind), and you are compromising yourself, Losing. Interactions need to be such where you are authentically you, not compromised.

So here and elsewhere, stand up for yourself in any which way possible, indicate who you are, what you think, what you feel, want, need- state it unabashedly, at least for a moment: do it here and wait for my response.

I will not tell you that you are wrong. I will not dismiss what you say, minimize or deny it, but take it in respectfully. If you assert yourself, I will respect your assertion. As these things happen, you get to have the experience you need to proceed with in-person, more elaborate relationships.

So, will you tell me things you are not inclined to tell for fear of disapproval? Things that are authentic to you?

anita

Dear Lily:

I think it is better to not work on interpersonal relationships with people at work- not the place, beyond the limited interactions conducive to the work itself.

I don’t know how much of the rejection you experience when talking to people is your inaccurate projection, that is: you believe that you are unappealing and when you talk to someone and there is a frown on their face, if you think it is a reflection of you being unappealing while it may be a frown that is always there, or they may have a stomach cramp at that moment.

Looking forward to your example!

anita