Hello,

Summary: I have extreme anxiety attacks when my advisor interacts with me (or even comes to my mind) since it triggers all my stressed/guilt/no respect feelings that he showed me for 4 years. I am going to completely cut him off my life after 3-4 months-either by graduating or quitting- However I dont want to have this anxiety attacks even when his thought comes to my mind. What would you suggest for me to at least decrease the intensity of this triggering factor so that I can manage it?

I was doing my masters and at the same time was working for my advisor in my university. Including some of my bachelors we were working for around 4 years. He was putting me under extreme stress, guilt and showing no sign of respect towards me. (He was calling me at 03.00, waking me up and tell me to do sth and send a report to him in an hour for example-and he wasnt replying because he will be sleeping-, he was always late to meetings(like hours) etc etc..) It was the first time I had someone that mentors me ( even though he rarely mentored me , generally just pushing me in difficult situations for his place ) therefore I endured. Some months ago I couldnt take this anymore and left working for him.

I have depression for around 10 years now, however due to the stress and this disrespectful work environment, last year I hit bottom. My depression escalated/evolved to anxiety attacks, crippling depression, suicidal thoughts, constant stress, fear and extreme guilt(more than before). I got extremely bad anxiety attacks when I try to go out of my bed. I went to a psychiatrist for 2-3 months however due to my distrust I left the treatment. Since then I started reading lots of psychology books, tried mindfulness and tried to understand my triggers and act on them. I can say I am much better now I no longer have suicidal thoughts, no more guilt about the past. My anxiety attacks and fear decreased. I found a philosophical view that aids my fears and calms me. I still have trouble going out of the bed, and want to lay down and sleep all day however I went to have my blood tests and apparently I have some medical problems that makes me extremely fatigued.

However I know that I still have a long way to go, I am willing to continue. But my problem is I have some triggers that I can not seem to manage yet. ( I know everything has its time and I shouldnt rush.) I still have my thesis to write but I have anxiety attacks when I am planning to start. I wasnt able to even touch the keyboard or the computer for months now I can. However I apparently can not open the thesis document, I dont feel ready. I dont feel ready to continue working in the same field(technology), I always liked to read technology related news, now when I saw it I automatically close the webpages. My other problem is when my advisor(also ex-boss) calls or texts me, I feel like I want to throw the phone out of the window ( I am extremely protective of my possessions so it is extremely strange to feel like this)  Also whenever something reminds me of him I get super anxious that I just want to cry, go back to my bed or even hurt myself. (Probably answer to my problem#1)It passes after some minutes but I just cant understand why I am still getting extremely anxious. After working nearly 24/7 for 4 years (yes I was also going to work on Saturday&Sundays, also sometimes sleeping there at university- however it wasnt enough for him) I am even willing to quit if I cant write my thesis in the next semester. Why do I still feel anxious?? He shouldnt have any control over me since I can quit. But why still I have anxiety attacks? What can I do to stop this attacks? I am trying to be more calmer if something triggers me so that I can manage my emotional flow, and it works but definitely not in this case. I cant seem to manage this trigger, I dont know what to do. What would you suggest?