I am a 44 year old woman, married with 2 children. I have been with my husband for 19 years, we have had our ups and downs but overall our relationship is good. I love him, he is a good kind man, a great dad and a loving partner.
What confuses me greatly about myself is that I am so attracted to this other man I met over a year ago. The first time I saw him, I had such a strong physical reaction to him. I ignored it for several months, until he contacted me out of the blue, and said he felt so attracted to me too. We had some contact via email for a while, humorous and a bit flirtatious, until I called it off. I saw my interest in him as a sign that there was something missing in my marriage, which there was. My husband has a very busy and demanding job, which took up all his time and attention. I was feeling more and more clearly that I needed more time and attention from him. We needed to connect again on a deeper level, we had forgotten how to be together. I told my husband about the contact I had had with the man. It took some great effort from me to make clear to my husband how unhappy I was feeling in our relationship. We went through some counselling together, and our relationship has improved a lot. We both make more time to be attentive and listen to each other. At one point I was not sure if I could go on with my marriage, now I feel I never want to leave!
BUT…the other man has never left my thoughts. I have tried so hard to let him go, I try to live in the now, I meditate, do yoga, read books by spiritual masters. For a long time we have just shortly greeted each other when we saw each other, but since a week or so we are emailing again and have met for a coffee. I felt that maybe if we could just be friends, this strong attraction may fade away. I felt that the more I resisted, and tried not to think about him, the more it persisted. He has made it clear to me that he still has strong feelings for me and would like more to happen between us. The temptation is so great to give into this. I feel so guilty for feeling this way, for feeling desire for this other man. And I feel myself wanting to give in, have this experience, even if I will end up lying. Part of me wishes that it could be more acceptable to have feelings for different people. Why should marriage constrain me to having sexual feelings for just one partner? I know my husband will not feel this way, he will feel that he is not enough for me, and it will hurt him. I don’t want to hurt him, but I want to live life to the full. I am so confused, any thoughts will be so welcome. Thank you for listening.