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Marriage breaking down

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Viewing 13 posts - 16 through 28 (of 28 total)
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  • #337986
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    I don’t know if it will help, for me to ask you questions for the purpose of figuring out what is happening with her, but if you think it may help you can answer the following (your choice to answer or not, of course):

    You wrote that the two  of you were together for 15 years and married for three years, and that you have a child who is seven years old, and you had a child who was six days old.

    1. How is it that you and her were not married during 12 years of relationship and during the first four years of you child’s life?

    2. How long ago did your other child die and how did she and you react to that tragedy?

    anita

    #337996
    T23
    Participant

    I think from my perspective I am trying to justify a valid reason for everything which I am probably not doing myself any favours by doing that but I just keep coming back to the point that this has just come out of the blue and although I am aware of things now it’s a big shock and I always thought we could work with any issues that came up which is the case from my side but obviously my wife feels the opposite and it was just something that we didn’t proceed with although we both probably wanted to our second child died in 2014 and hit us both really bad as you can imagine but we have always remained strong about it and talked when we needed too and to also be open and honest to our other child about him some friends have mentioned that this might be something that’s affecting my wife now but she hasn’t said anything I am not sure if I should bring it up or not because regardless of everything that’s going on I still care for her in all this and always will which I have told her

    #338004
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    I don’t know what it is that is bothering your wife so much that she doesn’t want to live with you anymore. It could be that she’s been unhappy for a long time, maybe depressed like you suggested, and she chose to see you as the problem and then get rid of the problem. Some people “solve” their problems this way- temporarily because it is easier to figure: this (husband or wife) is The Problem, so if I get rid of him, then my problem solved.

    anita

    #338044
    T23
    Participant

    Yes that’s exactly what I think the problem is she has said that she thinks she has felt this way for a long time which as I think I have said that it’s sad to hear that but even worse that she felt that she could not talk to me and I sit in hope that it is temporarily but don’t hold to much hope with the way she is coming across that she is definitely done with the relationship but then I think that she has her defence up which could be why she is been this way

    #338128
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    She felt that she could not talk to you for a long time, and now she doesn’t want to talk to you. It sure would be helpful if she did talk to you, if not 1-to-1 then in an office with a marriage or family counselor. Maybe you can look for a marriage counselor first and even see him/ her without your wife so to talk about what to do next.

    If things don’t improve, I suppose you’ll need to talk to a mediator or an attorney as well, to figure the practicality of this separation, if it continues.

    I hope you post again with your thoughts and updates.

    anita

    #338158
    T23
    Participant

    This is what I have always said that she should have been able to talk to me and also that I do not have X ray vision to know that she had these feelings because she didn’t not show me otherwise and I have said that due to this I would like the chance now I know to work on things I have suggested marriage counseling recently and she has said no I am in the process of having some counseling myself to go through things as you said which I hope will help because obviously my head is a mess

    #338236
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    No one has “X ray vision” into another person’s thoughts and feelings unless the other person express those in words (or in behavior, such as crying). Getting counseling for yourself is the best you can do for yourself.

    anita

    #338238
    T23
    Participant

    Thank you because I was beginning to think should I have seen something but I haven’t as I have said but yes that is what I am in the process of and like I say I hope she does change her mind but I really don’t think she will but from my side I am just going with Living on my own and thinking of it been that way for the future unless she changes her mind like I say

    #338242
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    I re-read your posts on your thread and I see that ever since she told a month and a half ago that she doesn’t love you anymore, she was consistent, she didn’t express any doubt, as in going back and forth with I-don’t-love you and maybe-I-do-love you. It was: I don’t love you anymore, I felt this way for a long time and it is not going to change.

    You don’t know why, she didn’t tell you why… I definitely don’t know why. When we don’t know the Why, better attend to the How- how to proceed: getting your own place, establish a co-parenting routine, prepare for a legal separation and divorce (mediator, attorney), and see a counselor on your own to help you emotionally in this difficult time.

    And do post here anytime you want to, sharing about the past and the present, as you choose.

    anita

    #338244
    T23
    Participant

    Yes that’s it she has mainly said the same things but did about 3 times say about trying but as I mentioned to her that when she has said about trying I don’t think she truly meant it but yes I have to just move on now because she is showing no change in anything and like I said I will respect that no matter how hard it is to the thing that gets to me as well is our child that obviously is the one that’s been hit the worst in all this with obviously loosing having both her parent’s there yes she will still have us both just not in the same way it has been I also ask her every so often if she is ok not sure if that’s the right thing to do but feel it’s my duty as a parent to check because from what I see it doesn’t seem to have bothered her maybe it’s not hit home yet I am not sure

    #338260
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    I agree with you that as a parent, you should inquire as to the health of the mother of your child, that her mental health is your business because she is the mother of your child.

    And of course, you should take care of your own health because your child needs you healthy.

    anita

    #338278
    T23
    Participant

    I have multiple times that I think she should speak to someone and like I said on pervious messages she said that she thinks she needs to and like I mentioned I have put myself forward to see someone

    #338286
    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    Do post again when you see a counselor or when something new happens in your (almost non-existent at this point) communication with your wife. I hope life gets better for you and that you continue to use logic and sensibility to make it better.

    anita

Viewing 13 posts - 16 through 28 (of 28 total)

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