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Marriage breaking down

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This topic contains 27 replies, has 2 voices, and was last updated by  anita 6 days, 7 hours ago.

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  • #334624

    T23
    Participant

    Hi all just after some advice me and my wife have been together for 15 years and married for 3 we have 2 children 1 that died at 6 days old and another that is 7 I thought things were going well in our marriage until just after the new year when my wife said she didn’t love me anymore and said didn’t want to be with me anymore to which I got upset and angry etc because I could not understand as to why we had gone out as a family on New year’s Eve and had a lot of fun so I was confused in the days after I browsed the internet to see what I could do and a lot of things stated that to come up with a list and look at any problems I might have that need to be corrected so I have come to realize that I have some issues from my side that unds can change and I have spoken with my wife a few times about these and have said 1 of the last times we spoke that I will make myself a better person and that now I am aware of these issues can we give things a try and see where they go hopefully to a much stronger place than we were before to which she replied yes and that from her side this would be good because she could at least say she had tried so the next couple of days were great with talking as we normally would she just wouldn’t let me touch her for a cuddle or a kiss which was fine by me because I needed to let her work at her own pace then out of the blue we had sex which as you can imagine things went sort of back to how they were untill she said that I was pushing things with the cuddling etc so I replied that before the sex that she made the move with I was happy to take a step back even though I wanted to give her a cuddle etc I wouldn’t push things which I thought was the best thing to do and she said that it was just sex and that’s all so I said ok let’s just check again that u are happy to see how this goes and we will take it at your pace and as I stated before to hopefully become stronger from this to which she said ok any help on this would be great thanks

    #334876

    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    From the little you shared, it seems to me that the best way for you to proceed is to establish a rule that there will be no cuddling, kissing or sex, no physical contact between you and your wife, for as long as the relationship trouble is not resolved.

    Then attempt to resolve the trouble preferably by going to marriage counseling with your wife.

    If you want to discuss this further with me, will you answer: did she complain to you about you and/ or about the relationship, and if she did, what did she say?

    anita

     

    #337106

    T23
    Participant

    Hi sorry for the late reply I have now said I will do what she wants me to do and move out and we will need to co-parent the best we can given the situation to which she agreed since my last post my wife made a move on me for sex again a week or so after and again I took a step back like she wanted me too from the last time to give her the space then this last maybe 2 weeks we had been getting on well I had been given her the odd cuddle and cuddling her in bed but this week I made a move on her and she said no so I left it there and went to sleep but then the next day she stated that I had sexualy assaulted her which I was really shocked that she would say this because in my eyes I had only done the same thing I had done in the relationship to try and have sex which my wife has also done the same but the word sexual assault had never come into it I have always put my wife’s feelings first especially with sex etc and if she said no I would back off but I was just so shocked to hear her speak this way I have been trying to think from a different angle that she may be saying it because of the hurt etc she is going through with the relationship breakdown and can only think of it that way I am currently staying on a family members sofa untill I can get myself a place in the next couple of months but I am living on the hope that she might change her mind and ask me to come back although I think thats highly unlikely I have also sent her a message just to say thanks for the life we have had together and the 2 beautiful children we have had and that my door will always remain open I just felt it necessary to do that thanks

    #337108

    T23
    Participant

    Also I had no idea of any unhappiness in the relationship or that she wasn’t in love with me there was the odd occasion but very rare that she would look like something was wrong and I would say is everything ok and she would reply yes and mostly say she was just tired she did mention going to speak to someone but at first I said no but then put it to her that we could and she said that we can basically do it ourselves and that a work colleague had spoken to someone about there marriage and said it didn’t work I have also tried to say I think she may have some problems of her own maybe depression I am not sure and said maybe she should speak to someone and see what they say so she can be in a better place regardless of what happens with the relationship thanks

    #337144

    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    You are welcome. I have two suggestions:

    1. Because she stated that you sexually assaulted her (“she stated that I had sexually assaulted her”), do not have any physical contact with her, sexual or otherwise- do not initiate any and do not accommodate her if she initiates such with you. And do not spend alone time with her where she now lives or elsewhere.

    It doesn’t matter that there really was no sexual assault (I am taking your word for it). What matters is that she stated so, and because she did, she may state it again, maybe to police, and as a result you may get arrested.

    It is possible, like you suggested, that she is depressed. Maybe she is mentally unwell, so much so that she will get you into more trouble than just a “marriage breaking down” (the title of your thread).

    2. I see the only chance of this marriage to resume as a healthy marriage is if the two of you attend quality marriage counseling together, with a capable counselor or therapist.

    I hope you post again.

    anita

    #337180

    T23
    Participant

    Yes I agree from the 1st option just the thing with it obviously that’s all I crave is the affection regardless of it involving sex also I am not living with her now I have done what she has and left which is obviously not what I wanted to do especially with our child but it’s what my wife wants which is what I am trying to do I have suggested that she might have some stuff going on with herself as in maybe depression like you said but I think it might have been taken in that I was trying to pass blame which I wasn’t I was just trying to help also she suggested marriage counseling at the start when she came out with everything and I was stubborn and said no but I have suggested it since and she said that her work colleague had done it with his wife and it didn’t help because they talked anyway the thing is now I am away from her and our child I am feeling lost etc everything is so strange which is obviously now I imagine and hope that she might get in touch and say she has made a mistake but I really don’t think she will which will obviously hurt

    #337190

    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    You are in a difficult situation. Your wife said that her work colleague talked with her husband and they solved their marital problems without the help of a marriage counselor; but you and her are not talking, and doesn’t seem that you are close to talking.

    Maybe there is a relatively objective family member or a mutual friend that you both respect, or if you attend church, then a pastor or member there that can help the two of you communicate?

    (I will soon be away from the computer for about 14 hours).

    anita

     

    #337194

    T23
    Participant

    We have talked a few times especially from my angle to try move forward and it seems at every opportunity she has knocked me back and blamed me for everything I know I have some things I could have done differently but I have been unfaithful or abusive etc but she just doesn’t want to know

    #337196

    T23
    Participant

    Haven’t sorry

    #337204

    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    I will be back and read your recent post (with the correction) and anything you may want to add to it, then reply in about 14 hours from now.

    anita

    #337928

    T23
    Participant

    Hi so since my last post I have been thinking about things my wife has said as in the sexual assault I forgot to mention that about a week or so before the so called sexual assault I made a move on my wife when she had been drinking and she was asleep and she did not respond so I stopped and told her the next day that I had made a move just so she was aware that I had and we got talking and she said she didn’t want me to do that anymore so I said ok then this is where the other occasion comes in that she said because she told me the first time that I shouldn’t have done it again to which I said that’s true but I thought she had meant when she had been drinking and if I had got my wires crossed I am sorry I have also been looking at a new place to obviously proceed with my wife’s wishes and yesterday wanted to let her know about it all because I didn’t want her thinking that me getting my own place was me giving up just incase she decided that she wanted to give it a go I made her aware of how I feel and that I am fully aware of where she is at and that if by any chance in the future she wants to try again I will be there and she replied that she wouldn’t which is obviously her choice but I will always love in hope thanks

    #337956

    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    I apologize, I forgot to return to you after your Feb 8 post. I am glad you added a post today because I realized that I forgot and can reply to you now.

    Feb 8 you wrote that you tried to talk to your now estranged wife a few times, and “at every opportunity she has knocked me back and blamed me for everything”. You wrote that you would have done some things differently with her if you could turn time back, but you were not unfaithful or abusive to her.

    Five days later, today, paraphrased by me, you shared regarding your wife accusation of you sexually assaulting her that a week before that accusation, you made a sexual move  on her while she was drunk and asleep. She did not respond to that move, so you stopped. The next day you told her about what happened and she told you that “she didn’t want me to do that anymore”, you agreed. Next you made a move on her when she was not drunk and not asleep. Her response was that you shouldn’t have because you agreed to not make sexual moves on her. You told her that you thought that she wanted you to not make such a move on her when she is drunk and asleep, not when she is sober and awake. You then apologized for misunderstanding her.

    Yesterday you told her that you are looking for a new place for yourself to live, according to her wishes to live separately from you, but that you are still interested in reconciliation, being  open to “any chance in the future she wants to try again. I will be there”.

    Her response: “she replied that she wouldn’t”.

    My input today: once you realize a person is unconscious for any reason, you shouldn’t make a sexual move on that person, unless you get the permission of that person to wake her up gently that way in the future, maybe in a weekend morning or such, and then proceed only if she responds positively. Otherwise,  you are doing all that you can do to accommodate her and that she is not interested in reconciliation, not now and not in the future.

    Reads to me that you should find a place to live and that you arrange with her (and possibly involve an attorney or mediator) so to co-parent your living child well. Ask an attorney or a mediator about what’s best to do for your child who needs any parent living with the child to be emotionally healthy enough to do a good job parenting the child.

    anita

     

    #337964

    T23
    Participant

    Hi thanks for the reply yes I realize that I made a mistake on both occasions also this is something that has never been mentioned before even though we have both done this to each other on many occasions but as I say in light of everything in the last couple of week this is when it has been brought up and I am not sure why maybe to hurt me for the mistakes I have made but I totally understand that I have made a mistake but yes like I said I am living in hope that she might change her mind but I am pretty sure she will not but I just had to let her know what is going on with me thanks

    #337978

    anita
    Participant

    Dear T23:

    You are welcome. I wonder what mistakes you are referring to, other than what you shared. You wrote that you weren’t unfaithful and you weren’t abusive- what are her complaints other than the one you shared about?

    anita

    #337982

    T23
    Participant

    This is part of the problem I have asked multiple times and she has stated that she doesn’t love me and now states the reason been the sexual assault and I have said that we have done that to each other multiple times regardless of been awake or asleep the mistakes I refer to are not showing as much love as I should have us not really spending time together to go out for a meal etc but as I have said I don’t think they are issues to end our marriage but obviously it’s her choice how she sees things because to me they are things that can be worked on and a few people that I have explained things to all say the same thing is there someone else which she has told me there isn’t and I have to take her word on it although everything is very out of character for her I am just not sure what to think anymore my head is a mess but I have to respect her decision and like I said live in hope that she might begin to miss what we had because we did have a lot of good times in the relationship yes of course we had the downs that obviously comes with any relationship but I would say mostly ups and like I have said to her my love for her has only grown stronger over the few years and especially since she became my wife

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