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Marriage, kids…she cheats…closure?

HomeForumsRelationshipsMarriage, kids…she cheats…closure?

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  • This topic has 7 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 7 years ago by Anonymous.
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • #153558
    skateordie
    Participant

    I’ll try to keep this as short as I can. I married my high school sweet heart. We were each other’s first. Been together for 19 years, married for 13. We have 4 kids ages 14-2. I’ve had that gut feeling for awhile that something wasn’t right and found out through cell phone records that she’s been talking to another guy for over a year. Numerous times a day, hours and hours nearly every day. She’s a stay at home mom btw. After going round and round with her she finally admits that she cheated on me. This guy is married and has kids of his own also. I wanted to save the marriage and was willing to work it out but she wanted no part of me and lied on a protected order to get me out of the house so she could continue her affair. Quickly a little about me: I’ve never abused her in any way shape or form. But I did drink, almost daily but never abused it. What I did do was ignore her for a long time. I got complacent in the relationship. I wasn’t there to fill her emotional needs and she filled that with this other guy. I get all that. I immediately stopped drinking and haven’t touched it in nearly a year. I completely changed my lifestyle and lost a ton of weight. Back to the story…I made it through the depression and bounced back. Not sure how I did it but I did. I have my kids 3 days a week and everything is going ok until 5-6 months ago his wife messages me on instagram and told me that he left my wife so they could fix their marriage. During this time our divorce wasn’t final because she was using every stall tactic that she could because she knew she was going to lose the house.  Anyway, around that time my wife all of a sudden started coming by my place unannounced, doing random drive bys, having the kids knock at my door, stalking me, sending angry texts, calling my job to see if I was there etc. Had to get the lawyers involved and that behavior finally stopped. Where I’m at now is I find myself thinking about how easily it was for her to throw me away. I never treated her bad, not anyway to justify the way she went about doing it. I’ve been over it all, moved on. The pain isn’t there anymore but I feel that whole closure thing creeping on me. She has never apologized for what she’s done. And that’s been the only thing I haven’t been able to let go yet. And I know I may never get it. Does anyone have any advice for me? Any questions or anything I can ask myself or tell myself to finally let this go?

    #153568
    Momongirl
    Participant

    you deserve better.

    if she ever cheat on you once, he will cheat on you again and again.

    just let it go, because if you keep holding up you will be more get hurts.

    #153574
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear skateordie:

    I am not clear on whether she tried to talk with you about her discontent in the marriage at any time, in the past? If so, how often, what did she say, how did you respond? It will help me to be able to give you the advice you ask for if you are as detailed as you can about what she communicated to you before, during and after the affair?

    anita

    #153600
    skateordie
    Participant

    Anita- she never said that anything was wrong, never said that she was unhappy until she already had her relationship established with the other guy. All these years I thought everything was fine. Maybe it was about a year ago when she finally said that my drinking was an issue and that she was unhappy. But that’s all she ever said. No real heart to heart. But by the time she said that she had already been with this guy for over a year.

    #153606
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi skateordie,

    She was mildly unhappy and gave in to fantasies. The problem is fantasies don’t always jibe with reality. It sounds like reality  hit her square in the face when she realized that divorce = no house.

    I’m confused about all her sudden stalking and drive byes. She acted like the jealous spouse, kind of like how you could have reacted to her sordid affair (but didn’t if I’m correct). Weird.

    To answer you question, sometimes people don’t apologize because to apologize means that they have to first admit to themselves that what they did was wrong. What she did was so wrong that she couldn’t face her own self.

    Best,

    Inky

    #153614
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear skateordie:

    It is a shame that your marriage didn’t work out. I hope that you and your ex wife attend to the children’s emotional welfare. Their well-being depends on such attention and care.

    In your last email, you wrote: “No real heart to heart” between you and your wife, not much going on for years, as I understand it, between you and her in terms of a close, intimate connection. It was still wrong of her to cheat on you, and she is responsible as well to that no-real-heart-to-heart communication between the two of you, preceding and following her cheating.

    The “Serenity Prayer” states: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I can not change (that would be what you did, what she did, what she chooses will choose to do), the courage to change the things I can (that would be what you choose to do now and in the future, your part in every interaction with others), and the wisdom to know the difference.”

    Part of what you can change, what is in your control, is to have that “real heart to heart” relationships with your children, get to know their hearts, attend to them. With a future woman, get to know her heart before committing to a relationship with her, and if you do commit, keep in touch with that heart, daily.

    Is my input helpful in your efforts to seek closure?

    anita

     

     

    #153622
    skateordie
    Participant

    It does. Especially the part about being with a new person. And luckily I’ve found a great woman and I know how to do it right this time around. At least I think I do. 

    #153630
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear skateoride:

    You posted part-message, I believe. If some of your post got lost somehow, feel free to re-type and submit it.

    anita

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