February 23, 2018 at 10:03 am #194099
In Nov of 2o16, my wife of 21 years had an affair. We had a happy marriage, for the most part. The intimacy wasn’t where either one of us wanted it, but in all other ways we were really happy. I hoped this event might be just the catalyst to get us to work on that area of our marriage, and create a second amazing new chapter.
I held firm to my belief in us and hope for that new chapter. 4 months ago she moved out. I found out 1 month ago she had still been seeing this person, even though we agreed that during the seperation we could not see other people. She says she was just lonely and she would go see this women (we’re lesbians) because she was a good friend that she missed. I was very angry and asked her what I’m supposed to do, and she said “I think we should get a divorce”. I was floored.
It’s been a month and we’ve continued couples counseling, but my wife will not fully commit to working on our marriage. It’s all very confusing. She agreed to go to couples counseling but when asked if she is willing to work on our marriage she says she does not know. She has been “unsure” for over a year. It’s very hard for me to just say “it’s over”. People keep telling me to do something for myself to “take care of me” but to be honest, what I want and need is her.
We hang out and have dinner twice a week and it’s usually really nice. She’ll put her hand on my knee.We have fun together. She will start crying and telling me how unique I am and how amazing I am, but she does not say “I miss you”. When our couples therapist suggests we go on a trip together she will have no part of it. She says it would give her too much anxiety, she says that she knows we’d have a good time but she’d be worried that when we get back I’d think everything was fine or that I’d be hurt that she wasnt just moving back in.
I don’t know what to do. Some people say just give her lots of room and leave her alone, some people say to keep trying to connect. It’s killing me. I just want her back so badly and I’m falling apart. Which, then makes the time we spend together tense, but if I just ignore those feelings nothing we have will be truthful.
When this all started I really felt like the trade off would be worth it, 1 or 2 bad years if we can get 3o more good ones? That’s a no brainer. But this hurts so much. I’m starting to lose faith that we can rebuild this because I’m starting to feel like she doesnt really want to.
Am I crazy to keep going here?February 23, 2018 at 11:14 am #194107
I hope this “Marriage Separation Limbo” resolves soon and that you will have the chance, the time and social support to heal and recover from your heartache.
Reads to me that long before her affair she was not as happy as you were in the marriage, that the communication between the two of you was limited for a long time. Reads to me that she cares about your feelings, that she is suffering too, and that she doesn’t see much hope for the future with you.
If you somehow accept the ending of the marriage best you can, with as much calm as you can, and communicate that acceptance to her, she may be more open with you (and with the couple therapist) and express more about what is happening with her and what has been happening in her mind and heart for a long time.
anitaFebruary 23, 2018 at 11:23 am #194109
I did not see what was the reason your wife said that was the reason for the affair. What is the reason she gave? Are you two addressing that?
You wrote: my wife will not fully commit to working on our marriage
I think your marriage therapist is bogus for having you two go on a trip together as a fix. This does not address the underlying issues in my opinion.
For me that is the reason why you alone cannot save your marriage. I believe you need both parties willing to work on it and re-commit to the marriage.