Dear bozo: No worries- no harsh response, no hate response from me. I’ll be back to you on about 11 hours from now.

anita

Dear Bozo:

I will repeat what you shared (some of your words are in boldface) and offer you my thoughts.

You shared that your husband is soft and kind to a fault–

– to a fault means that you find fault in him being too soft, too kind, that you perceive his kindness and softness, which are usually positive traits, as excessive, leading him, I figure, to not be assertive enough when the situation calls for it..?

* Excessive kindness and overly accommodating others, in some people’s minds (not in everyone’s mind), come off as lacking confidence, of being weak and submissive, especially when it comes to men whose traditional gender role/ societal role emphasizes traits like confidence, strength ad assertiveness.

You shared that you married your husband a few months ago. In the office building where you work there is a gorgeous guy to whom you are attracted and with whom you have some sort of chemistry. You are wondering, what if he’s a better match? for you, whether the two of you are soulmates.

“I never felt that chemical-induced attraction to my husband. What we have is a deeper bond obviously, but more of an emotional one, whereas this guy caused sparks as soon as I saw him“-

– the sparks you feel for this man, a man you haven’t been with yet, these sparks are driven by a change in the levels of chemicals produced in the brain (neurotransmitters): Dopamine levels increase, creating feelings of excitement and anticipation, making interactions with the person feel thrilling.

Norepinephrine levels increase as well, causing- when in the company of the object of attraction> it causes a rush of the hormone adrenaline, which increases heart-rate, cause sweaty palms, and the “butterflies in the stomach” sensation.

Serotonin (the “feel good” neurotransmitter) levels drop in the beginning of attraction, leading to feelings of anxiety , dissatisfaction, or general unhappiness when away from the object of attraction, causing one to focus on and obsessively think about the object of attraction, and when imagining being with him,  or being physically close to him (although not with him, alone) there are feelings of euphoria and excitement.

Why do you feel this way (why this chemical cocktail) for this man (I’ll refer to him as M) but not for your husband (I’ll refer to him as H)?

(1) The Gorgeous Factor: you mentioned that M (not H) is gorgeous. I am guessing that in your perception, H is not gorgeous, at least, not close to how gorgeous M is. I figure that M’s physical looks was a trigger for the chemical cocktail mentioned above.

(2) The Mystery and Novelty Factor: the unknown can be incredibly alluring, leaving a lot to the imagination, which can heighten feelings of attraction. Some of the things that you experienced within H in real-life (examples, perhaps: how he smells when sweaty and in need for a shower, how he snores at times, if he does), you didn’t experience yet with M.

(3) Psychological Factors: M who you don’t know yet, a stranger in almost every way, represent something that you long for. Maybe you are usually slightly depressed, or bored, and M represents Excitement, something different than the ordinary.

Maybe m represents an idealized idea of a perfect match/ a soulmate, the one that is portrayed in fairy tales you may have grown up with, or in romance novels and movies: The One with whom you will always be happy (“and they lived happily ever after“).

Mabe something about the way he looks, moves, maybe his voice..  reminds you of someone you knew and admired as a child.

“(I)  hate myself plenty… Anyways, what do I do? Should I leave my job? Should I leave my husband? Should I try to get to know the person in question? Please please refrain from hate because I genuinely feel broken and damaged and really really selfish for being in this situation and having these thoughts. I genuinely feel very lost and upset.“-

– Self hate will lead you in the wrong direction. Shift from a judgmental attitude toward yourself (judging yourself as selfish and hateworthy) to => => => an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Self-empathy will lead you in the right direction.

Before you make any real-life decision while under-the-influence of neurotransmitters and hormones, figure out what it is that draws you to M: what is it that he represents in your mind and heart?

Look within: what is the origin of your dissatisfaction in life, marital or otherwise: is it a lonely childhood/ a lonely adolescence which produced an early craving for a perfect/ idealized (and unrealistic) union with another person, a union where you will never again be alone..?

is it something else?

anita

How are you, bozo?

anita