Home→Forums→Relationships→Married but crushing on someone else
- This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 2 weeks, 4 days ago by anita.
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November 7, 2024 at 2:05 pm #439192bozoParticipant
Hi all,
I kindly ask not to send hate or respond harshly, for I am not in the right state of mind and hate myself plenty as is.
A few months ago I got married to the man I love. He’s very loving, all around a green flag, kind and soft to a fault. I’m so very lucky to have him. But… There’s a but.
In the office building that I work in there’s a guy I often bump into, and he’s gorgeous. I know little to nothing about him because we barely talked, but we keep glancing at each other whenever we meet. I tried avoiding him at first because I knew immediately that I found him attractive, and I felt and still feel so bad for it. Unfortunately I still ended up developing a crush on him. There’s clearly some sort of chemistry there, but I refuse to come up to him because it would be wrong, and he’s tried to make a move on me before, but felt too shy to actually say anything. But I know for a fact that’s what it was.
I let my partner know that there’s a person at work that I feel attracted to and he said there’s nothing wrong with feeling that way – once again, he’s genuinely one of the kindest people I know. I refuse to betray his trust, but at the same time I wish I could get to know the guy I have a crush on. Not romantically, but platonically, and figure my feelings out as I go along. What if he’s a better match? What if we’re soulmates, if such a thing even exists?
I hate myself for the way I feel and the way I doubt my relationship with my husband, but I have to be honest with myself. Firstly, it seems I’m dissatisfied at least a little for such a thing to happen in the first place, and secondly, I never felt that chemical-induced attraction to my husband. What we have is a deeper bond obviously, but more of an emotional one, whereas this guy caused sparks as soon as I saw him.
Another thing that worries me, and I hate myself for that also, is that the guy will probably lose any desire to get to know me (and unfortunately I’m kind of scared of losing him) as soon as he knows I’m taken. I wouldn’t hide that from him obviously. I just want to get to know him at least a little to either become disappointed or realise he’s a better match. If that happened, I still wouldn’t cross any lines and part ways with my husband first. He doesn’t deserve any sort of betrayal or affair behind his back.
Anyways, what do I do? Should I leave my job? Should I leave my husband? Should I try to get to know the person in question? Please please refrain from hate because I genuinely feel broken and damaged and really really selfish for being in this situation and having these thoughts. I genuinely feel very lost and upset.
November 7, 2024 at 7:28 pm #439197anitaParticipantDear bozo: No worries- no harsh response, no hate response from me. I’ll be back to you on about 11 hours from now.
anita
November 8, 2024 at 12:56 am #439201HelcatParticipantHi Bozo
I’m sorry to hear that you are having doubts about your relationship.
You mention feeling dissatisfied in your relationship. Why do you think that is?
No doubt you’ve been in relationships where you’ve felt attracted to people before. What made you choose someone that you didn’t feel attracted to, to marry?
This man you have a crush on, that you have chemistry with is a stranger. You don’t know him. It takes a long time to truly get to know someone and there are plenty of bad relationships out there.
Love and best wishes! ❤️🙏
November 8, 2024 at 9:08 am #439218anitaParticipantDear Bozo:
I will repeat what you shared (some of your words are in boldface) and offer you my thoughts.
You shared that your husband is soft and kind to a fault–
– to a fault means that you find fault in him being too soft, too kind, that you perceive his kindness and softness, which are usually positive traits, as excessive, leading him, I figure, to not be assertive enough when the situation calls for it..?
* Excessive kindness and overly accommodating others, in some people’s minds (not in everyone’s mind), come off as lacking confidence, of being weak and submissive, especially when it comes to men whose traditional gender role/ societal role emphasizes traits like confidence, strength ad assertiveness.
You shared that you married your husband a few months ago. In the office building where you work there is a gorgeous guy to whom you are attracted and with whom you have some sort of chemistry. You are wondering, what if he’s a better match? for you, whether the two of you are soulmates.
“I never felt that chemical-induced attraction to my husband. What we have is a deeper bond obviously, but more of an emotional one, whereas this guy caused sparks as soon as I saw him“-
– the sparks you feel for this man, a man you haven’t been with yet, these sparks are driven by a change in the levels of chemicals produced in the brain (neurotransmitters): Dopamine levels increase, creating feelings of excitement and anticipation, making interactions with the person feel thrilling.
Norepinephrine levels increase as well, causing- when in the company of the object of attraction> it causes a rush of the hormone adrenaline, which increases heart-rate, cause sweaty palms, and the “butterflies in the stomach” sensation.
Serotonin (the “feel good” neurotransmitter) levels drop in the beginning of attraction, leading to feelings of anxiety , dissatisfaction, or general unhappiness when away from the object of attraction, causing one to focus on and obsessively think about the object of attraction, and when imagining being with him, or being physically close to him (although not with him, alone) there are feelings of euphoria and excitement.
Why do you feel this way (why this chemical cocktail) for this man (I’ll refer to him as M) but not for your husband (I’ll refer to him as H)?
(1) The Gorgeous Factor: you mentioned that M (not H) is gorgeous. I am guessing that in your perception, H is not gorgeous, at least, not close to how gorgeous M is. I figure that M’s physical looks was a trigger for the chemical cocktail mentioned above.
(2) The Mystery and Novelty Factor: the unknown can be incredibly alluring, leaving a lot to the imagination, which can heighten feelings of attraction. Some of the things that you experienced within H in real-life (examples, perhaps: how he smells when sweaty and in need for a shower, how he snores at times, if he does), you didn’t experience yet with M.
(3) Psychological Factors: M who you don’t know yet, a stranger in almost every way, represent something that you long for. Maybe you are usually slightly depressed, or bored, and M represents Excitement, something different than the ordinary.
Maybe m represents an idealized idea of a perfect match/ a soulmate, the one that is portrayed in fairy tales you may have grown up with, or in romance novels and movies: The One with whom you will always be happy (“and they lived happily ever after“).
Mabe something about the way he looks, moves, maybe his voice.. reminds you of someone you knew and admired as a child.
“(I) hate myself plenty… Anyways, what do I do? Should I leave my job? Should I leave my husband? Should I try to get to know the person in question? Please please refrain from hate because I genuinely feel broken and damaged and really really selfish for being in this situation and having these thoughts. I genuinely feel very lost and upset.“-
– Self hate will lead you in the wrong direction. Shift from a judgmental attitude toward yourself (judging yourself as selfish and hateworthy) to => => => an empathetic attitude toward yourself. Self-empathy will lead you in the right direction.
Before you make any real-life decision while under-the-influence of neurotransmitters and hormones, figure out what it is that draws you to M: what is it that he represents in your mind and heart?
Look within: what is the origin of your dissatisfaction in life, marital or otherwise: is it a lonely childhood/ a lonely adolescence which produced an early craving for a perfect/ idealized (and unrealistic) union with another person, a union where you will never again be alone..?
is it something else?
anita
November 10, 2024 at 4:50 pm #439242SitaquiParticipantThe grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Until you cross over and find the same weeds or new weeds…
November 17, 2024 at 6:27 pm #439455anitaParticipantHow are you, bozo?
anita
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