Dear Ana:

I don’t know how to find previous threads on the topic other than going page by page of Lists of Topics, looking for those. Maybe there’s an easier way to locate such? (I am low-tech, I wouldn’t know).

I am posting again because after I submitted the above, I remembered a long conversation I had with an Indian wife (or European, I don’t remember), or maybe it was a few discussions with a few women, long time ago, here in the forums.

I remember my analysis at the time, put simply: Indian women (not all, I suppose, but the ones I had conversations about)-as young women, and then in context of their MILs- they took on the culturally approved submissive role (submissive to their parents, their husbands, their MILs).

And then, they got their chance to flip the role, to finally be on top and that context was.. with their daughters in law. That’s when and where the MIL from Hell appears 😤🔥😩💥🙄💫😬🧨💣🧨⚡🏃‍♀️🏃‍♀️💨

Again, that’s my analysis at the time based on a few stories and long communications with the DIL, here in the forums.

🤍 Anita

I’ve seen this play out from 2 perspectives:

1 – I am a child of a “mixed marriage” as my Indian family says. My mom is French Canadian, my dad Indian. The Indian culture dominates every facet of our existence. I mean, Indian food yum. But to barely know my mom’s side of the family? Not so much.

That said, 99% of things come down to the personalities involved. It took me decades to understand that many of the Indian “problems” I thought were cultural differences, were largely due to emotional immaturity and narcissism. (Also, cultural narcissism, where kids are seen as an appendage of their parents, not as individuals). This means that the rather innate tendency of my dad’s family to see their ways as better than others’, could not be countered as there was no room for discussion or holding differing values. He himself is … argh, I won’t go into it but thank God we only lived in India for several years or we kids would have had zero say in our own lives. My mom did all she could to fit into the family, which is perhaps admirable (she’s a fantastic Indian cook) but means she essentially lost her own identity.

If your husband AND your potential inlaws respect and accept that you are an individual with her own thoughts, beliefs, values, feelings, and ways, then you’re in luck.

If your husband remains the man you know him as once he’s back in his family environment, then you’re in luck. Generally, and this is most certainly a generalization I’m making, most adults somewhat revert to childhood dynamics when confronted with the dynamics they grew up with 24/7.

If you are free to call him on it if he does, great. If not, you’ll be stuck because the pressure to conform he’ll be under will be enormous. You’ll find yourself compromising a lot. Or fighting

Even the most modern Indian families have entrenched subconscious expectations of their children, no matter their ages, and of said kids’ spouses.

Which brings me to:

2 – I continue to witness such a marriage as it tortures both parties who took on the man’s Indian parents when COVID came along. The woman, a Canadian of European background, thought she understood the dynamics, believed her husband to be a certain person, believed all parties had clear expectations and understood the roles, etc. Said inlaws had spent several summers living with the couple before the permanent move occurred. There were definitely signs of discomfort but everyone sort of just got through it because they all knew it was “just for the summer”.

The couple discussed some issues before the permanent move. BUT they didn’t discuss, for example, what financial contributions each party needed to make to the household. They’ve ended up paying everything. Because the husband simply never had similar discussions (so they didn’t know she’d told him what she’d do/not do) with his parents, let alone about money. Indian sons are expected to house their parents. Would you be okay with supporting them? Would he be okay with having separate bank accounts?

Both parties’ are ill due to the enormous stress of living in a household of never-ending fights, the marriage is basically over, a child in the middle. Their finances are a mess.

No discussion of their overbearing ways is possible with the inlaws – partly due to their personalities and their certainty that they are perfect, but also because doing so is considered disrespectful. If the wife questions anything, she’s called disrespectful. Her husband gets stuck in the middle, trying not to take sides. He has reverted to the angry teenager she never knew but the rest of the family experienced as he and his father fought until he fled for Canada just to get away.

It’s hard to really know people until you live with them long-term.

One suggestion would be to pay attention to how your body feels when you simply consider the joint-family arrangement.

What strikes me in what you wrote:

– he kept the relationship a secret. Why? I have seen this several times, for various reasons. All of which boiled down to one or both parties KNOWING someone they were related to would be unhappy. And not wanting to deal with that.
If he didn’t even have the decency to inform them of a 5 year relationship …. For that matter, has he met your friends and family?

– I’m unclear on whether you’ve met his family now? Spending a couple of weeks with them could provide answers.

– 5 yrs in and you never spoke of any of this? Why?

– why did marriage come up now? Forgive me for being cynical, but why does he want to marry you NOW?

– have you discussed living in another Indian city? If not, why not? Is that a compromise he’d make? Travel within India is easy enough …. If you agree to all he wants going in, expect to need to continue doing so, in my experience. If you don’t feel heard right now, how will it be later, when he’ll perhaps need to defend you and your ways to his family? Again, the personalities involved are key. Older folks tend to be set in their ways so change/adjustments/compromise will often be on you. Will your husband understand if you get annoyed sometimes? Or ask you to just deal? Here’s a minor example: are you a morning person or not? If not, will the family be okay with you not giving them a cheery “hello!”? Or will they be insulted, find it disrespectful? Believe it or not, I’ve seen even this become a huge issue, with one party resenting having to change even this about themselves so the spouse stops telling them to “be the bigger person.”

– the fact that you’ve sought help online – why? Is that intuition finding its voice? Or is there no one who knows you deeply who can be a sounding board? Are you scared of what they’d say?

You didn’t mention your age. That’s important in this situation. If you’ve got a few decades of life experience, you’ll be more prepared for any variety of inlaws. Especially when alone in another country. And where do children fit into your discussions?

It’s good you’ve told him you won’t be housemaid or carer to his parents. I can guarantee that unless both of you sit down and make concrete plans, a budget, and find outside help for them before moving in, you will end up doing a lot, no matter their age or situation. That’s simply being female, even today. Once you’re over there, unless maids/carers are onsite, it’ll be on you unless you stay out all day and can handle all the judegy comments you’ll get.

You write that you are confused. How has he reacted to this? To your confusion?

I don’t want to be negative. There are certainly “mixed” relationships that work. It just seems to me that there are quite a few less-than-upfront issues unexplored for yours. Some of which my own lived experience sees as red lights. That’s my baggage. 🙂

Full disclosure, the inlaws I’ve written about are people I’m related to. I’d never have expected them to behave as they have with the couple I’ve described. Perhaps I was blind to who they were. Had I known they could be so petty, so old-fashioned in how they’d treat their daughter-in-law ….

Communication differences between the cultures are huge. Again, the personalities play a major role. One example: according to my Indian family, there’s no need to say “please” or “thank you” between family. It’s for strangers. You can imagine how confusing this can be? I have never asked outside the family for confirmation of this, mind you. Let me know if you do!

I have experienced (still do), as has the wife above, being talked about in Hindi while being right there. It’s not exactly inclusive. I now don’t mind because I get a kick out of them not realizing that I understand what they’re saying but the wife above finds it really insulting and dismissive.

Are you willing to learn his language? Because it’s expected that you try.

Having a thick skin would be an asset if you go ahead. Let any “feedback” roll right off you. What Anita wrote is right on. I do know one couple where the joint-family is happy-ish. There is a lot of compromise on the DIL’s part and they bought a house with separate quarters for her. The shared kitchen and garden are the danger zones.

Reread your post in a few days. Notice how your body feels as you do so. Ask your brain to sit this one out.

Des fois, le cerveau n’a pas les réponses, oui? En tout cas, bonne chance. Il n’y a pas d’échec dans la vie, juste des expériences.