I think I finally realised that there was nothing ever wrong with me – I was just me. I was just trying to be me and do me all this time.

Even when that didn’t fit in with my families bullcrap expectations of what they wanted me to do or be.

“Why can’t you do this?”
“Why don’t you do this?”
“Why couldn’t you have done this instead?”
“What is wrong with you? Why can’t you be normal? Why are you such a freak?”
“Why didn’t you get the top grade on the exam?”
“Why didn’t you get the same grades as so-and-so?”
“You could have gone to a better college…”
“You could have done so much better…”
“Why don’t you wear these clothes? You’re not going out with us looking like that. You could have made more of an effort. You look like a scruff.”
“Why do you do this?”
“You are doing it wrong. You can’t do anything right.”
“You haven’t got any friends.”
“Why don’t you like watching this TV programme?”
“What are you watching/listening to? Turn that rubbish off.”
“Why don’t you talk to so-and-so again?”
“I don’t want you to go round so-and-so’s house.”
“You’re not allowed to eat that. You’re not allowed to drink that.”
“You were the most cleverest and intelligent at school, what happened?”
“Why did you have to tell mom? I’m going to put your head into the ******* pavement you ****”
“I’m going to tell everyone at school that……”
“I’m going to get everyone at school to beat you up…”
“I’m going to tell so-and-so not to be your friend anymore…”
“You’re fat and ugly.”
“You need to put all of your effort into your exams.”
“You are not allowed to talk to so-and-so.”
“You’re not too young for a beating, you know…”
“Get up and go home now, you ****** ****”
“Who would want to go to your birthday?”
“Stop your swearing or I’ll knock your ******* teeth down your throat!”
“Nobody likes you.”
“I couldn’t take you seriously before, now I definitely can’t.”
“Oh shut up whining about the deleted graduation photos that I clearly didn’t make any effort whatsoever to back up…”
“I think not having a job is making you weird!”
“Can’t you do anything right?”
“Stop messing around…”
“Your hair looks stupid like that, why don’t you have it like this?”
“That’s because I have a job and you don’t!”
“You are not allowed to make your own decisions.”
“Are you even able to do that?”
“Why don’t you want to go to cousin so-and-so’s wedding? That’s not very nice when he made the effort to invite you.”

And sometimes afterwards, they will say the complete opposite thing to defend their behaviour.

“I never said that!”
“You’re being paranoid.”
“You’re being irrational.”
“I didn’t force you to go to that college.”
“We were just joking!”
“Oh, you asked for it.”
“You could have done that if you wanted!”
“I never said you couldn’t do that!”
“You’re not fat.”
“Why don’t you get a real job?”
“Why didn’t you go to the party?”
“We didn’t think you wanted to go with us…”
“You brought it on yourself…”
“Oh, be careful when you talk to so-and-so, so they don’t treat you like crap again.”
“You take things too seriously.”
“We did tell you!”

Often when I call them out on their overall crappiness, hypocrisy and gaslighting, they just roll their eyes when they tell me I’m being too sensitive, and dismiss me. I’m not going to suddenly stop being sensitive just to suit them. Why is being sensitive such a bad thing?

Like I’m not allowed to feel unhappy or pissed off because of the way they treat me.
Like I’m not allowed to be in a bad mood.
Like I’m just supposed to accept it when they humiliate me and speak down to me in front of other people.
Like I deliberately choose to feel unhappy and depressed just to inconvenience them.
Like I’m clearly imagining the crappy things they have said to me.
Like I’m not allowed to defend or stand up for myself.
Like I’m supposed to be okay with the fact they belittle me.
Like I’m deliberately starting an argument just by demanding to know why I’m being treated like this.

I have on-and-off depression and anxiety problems, especially social anxiety – I think I’m doing generally better these days. I have trust issues, I am wary about who I talk to. I think I have an extremely jaded outlook on life. I avoid personal relationships. I don’t have many friends or acquaintances, what few friends I do have I’m often worried they secretly don’t like me. This doesn’t seem to be a point of concern for my parents.

I often wondered “What is wrong with me? Why am I such a freak? Was I a mistake? Why does everybody hate me? Was I just dealt the short straw in life? Did I inherit all of their worst traits? Why am I so unlovable? I just attributed this to the fact that every family has it’s rotten apple. I thought I was that rotten apple. Sometimes I revelled in being the rotten apple – they didn’t like me being disrespectful, rebellious, answering back or doing what I wanted – I just did this as a protest at how they treated me.

But I do have one valid question – why was I always treated this way?

I guess it’s taken me until today to finally realise this. There is nothing wrong with me at all. I have every right to feel unhappy. There is a valid reason for the fact I am unhappy most of the time, I don’t purposefully decide to feel unhappy.

I’m doing freelance work at the moment – the pay isn’t ideal but I still earn my own money. I’m saving up for my next adventure – to move out permanently, travel, work as I travel. I don’t want to deal with them anymore, I can’t clear off out of there soon enough. I have goals – knowing I have something to work and live towards keeps me sane.

I have accepted the fact I am never going to reason with my family at all. They are never going to take me seriously. Trying to get them to see how hurtful their behaviour is, this is an exercise in futility. We are never going to have a close relationship – this hurts but I accept it. I won’t be able to mourn and heal until I remove myself from them.

I have learned a lot this past year of posting here on TinyBuddha. I have learned a lot about myself. I have learned a lot about my family. It’s as if I can finally see them for who they are. I am so grateful to have found an online community full of support and encouragement, interesting people and many viewpoints.

I think these past few years weren’t so good, I’ve been at my worst – I’ve felt hopeless and despair but now it feels as though I’m taking the steps I need to take my life back and grab it by the horns. It feels as though I can finally feel a tiny morsel of hope in my life, and that things are looking up.

There was never anything wrong with me. That’s not to say I’m perfect and I don’t have flaws because I do, but what they wanted me to believe about myself isn’t true.

I am done playing the victim.