I saw my first love for the first time in 26 years on Thursday. Matt has always held a secret place in my heart and has always been the person I‘ve compared other men to. Especially that part where you wonder if anyone new that comes into your life will hurt you as much as he did. I wonder why fate decided to bring us back together for one beautiful afternoon?

I’ve always had “what if’s” regarding him. What if  he hadn’t of dropped out of school and run off to Florida and had decided to stay with me? What if we were still together? What if we had gotten married? Would we have had children?

We did follow each other on social media but not actively. He works for a union and is a merchant marine and goes out on the big ships for months and months at a time. He married and had children and I would occasionally see photos of him and his family on holidays in my Facebook feed. Just the sight of him caused my heart to skip a beat and my breath to catch. No, you don’t ever get over that first love. I’m married to a wonderful man who loves me and we have a beautiful daughter. I wouldn’t change my life with him. But on Thursday, when chance threw Matt and I together again after so long I decided to ride the wave.

I had planned a day trip to the beach with my daughter and her cousins. We were leaving out early that morning for the three hour drive there and did not plan on staying but driving back that evening. At the gas station half way there  I looked through my facebook feed and had a message in messenger from Matt. Be still my heart! It was a silly chain letter about friendship. It was unusual so I replied with “You must be bored.” He replied with a gif of a man beating his head against a rock. Funny. Lol.  He replied that he was at the coast and had been deep sea fishing and was thinking about heading home. Wait…he’s at MY coast?? Not Florida???? “Aren’t there plenty of places to fish in Florida?” Well no, he’s in the state on vacation and visiting family. “What a coincidence, I’m headed that way myself.” Imagine my surprise and elation when he wanted to meet up with me! Butterflies and heart palpitations! Then self-consciousness. Why didn’t I dye my hair yesterday? Why didn’t I wear makeup? Why did I wear this frumpy Mommy bathing suit with a tank top and baggy palazzo pants? I wish I had stuck to that damn diet at the beginning of the year!!!! The sane rational part of me said to make an excuse but my heart wouldn’t allow it. My daughter, a teen, and sensitive to my facial expressions asked if I was ok. “Oh yes.” I assured her but that was a big fat lie.

When we got there I dropped him a pin of our location. I tried to distract myself by setting things up for the kids and playing with my nephews out in the water where the big waves were but I was a nervous wreck. He found us, driving by with that infamous toothy grin, reversing and pulling his truck up next to mine in the sand. Breathe. He got out and approached me with open arms. I couldn’t help but hold on just a second more than I should have. I was met with curious eyes from the kids. “This is my cousin Matt.” I told them. They happily scampered off to collect crabs and shells and build castles while “Cousin Matt” and I sat next to each other with our feet in the water. I was wonderful. I forgot my self consciousness. We talked about his family and life. About how so many years had past and yet we were still just as easy and comfortable with each other. There were little flirty comments that came up as we talked about past adventures and drank Guinness (yuck). It was thrilling. I was detrimental to my heart. He took us out to eat and neither of us wanted to leave. It was so late and the kids were tired. I had a long drive back but he was staying there. He tried to convince me that the drive back so late was dangerous and I should stay too, but I couldn’t. I had to leave. For my heart, for my daughter, for my husband at home I had to leave. We hugged goodbye and again I clung just a second longer. I knew that I would never be over him. Not ever. But I left because leaving was the right thing to do even though the right thing may be the hardest thing you will ever do.

I just needed to get this out. To help get over the heartbreak again. Because while its not as painful as the first time, it still hurts and I have a new set of “what if’s” to carry for the next 26 years.