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Meeting with ex today…don't know what to expect….

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Viewing 13 posts - 1 through 13 (of 13 total)
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  • March 1, 2016 at 10:00 am #97734
    HippieChick
    Participant

    A little background. I was married for 20 years…got married as a very young teenager. We gradually grew apart until one day during an argument he asked me if I was unhappy. It suddenly dawned on me that I was and had been for awhile. We talked and tried for a short time to work it out but eventually separated in the early fall of 2013. He was understandably upset and started blaming me for all of our problems. We, unfortunately, had to live together for several months after we separated while he found a house to rent. After he moved out we spoke a few times but he became increasingly angry. I started dating another man a few months later that we all went to high school together with. My ex took this very personally and cut off all contact except what was absolutely necessary for our late teenage/early 20’s daughter’s sake and that was done all through texts.

    Fast forward 2.5 years. He texted me a few days ago and requested that we meet alone to talk. After several questioning texts he finally told me that he has some concerns about our daughter (who is in college and lives with him) and wants to let me know he’s no longer mad at me and wants to talk. And that he wants closure. We are set to meet this evening at a restaurant halfway between our homes. I’m not sure what to expect or say. I HATE conflict. I also don’t want to hurt him further and actually like him as a person.

    Any advice from anyone that’s been in a similar situation would be appreciated.

    March 1, 2016 at 10:25 am #97742
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear HippieChick:

    I was not in a similar situation to yours: I don’t have children, minor or adult.

    I am suggesting that at the beginning of the meeting with him, you discuss the rules-of-interaction with him: that you want it to be respectful, no accusations, no blaming: that when you express your feeling, or he expresses a feeling, each talk with the pronoun I: as I feel this or that, and not with the pronoun You as in: You did this or that to me…

    So each takes responsibility to one’s own feelings.

    Respect and sincerity, both.

    In relation to your daughter, i assume you both want what is best for her and that would be the aim. As far as closure of your relationship with him, the closure he is seeking: ask what kind of closure he needs, what kind of closure he is aiming at before you discuss the closure. Make everything as clear as possible, structured as possible, like a well organized business meeting.

    Please do post again.

    anita

    March 1, 2016 at 10:42 am #97746
    Lsler
    Participant

    I’ve not been in a similar situation as to your history, but I do have experience with reconnecting with an ex for one reason or another, even if only a one-time deal.

    To piggy-back on anita, I might consider laying out the focus of discussion too. If it’s just about your daughter, make that clear at the beginning and stay firm in keeping to that conversation. Personally, I would absolutely stay away from any topics that might boil the blood (your relationships, his, other family or close ties, illness, whatever). Saying you’d rather not discuss those things, for now, is going to go over better than discussing them when there are still strong negative connotations with those topics. Resentment and negative feelings are the last thing you want to come into play, so keeping it casual and light (as you can, depending on the situation with your daughter) is the best bet.

    As I read in another forum post on here, the fear of falling is worse than the fall itself. Outside of the potentially serious daughter discussion, my best advice is to try to Keep it Light.

    Keep in mind why you agreed to meet in the first place. Good luck, this is a tough one, especially when you’re not sure what to expect.

    March 1, 2016 at 11:40 am #97751
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Thank you guys for such thoughtful replies. Setting “rules of meeting” at the beginning is definitely a great idea. I’m hoping it’ll go well and we can start the process of at least being civil to each other. I just know that the last time we spoke in person he got emotional and nothing I said made any difference, no matter how calm. I finally had to just say, over and over, “I’m not going to be able to talk about this with you tonight” and eventually just get in my car and leave. I hated to do it but he was raising his voice and getting more and more upset. He apologized and is been 2 years so I’m hoping that’s not the kind of thing I’ll deal with this evening. I’m pretty good at staying calm and level headed, I just don’t like it. Plus I really don’t want to hurt him or make things any more difficult than they have to be in our situation. I’ll definitely keep you guys posted!

    • This reply was modified 8 years, 1 month ago by HippieChick.
    March 1, 2016 at 11:50 am #97755
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear HippieChick:

    I am curious as to how it is going to go so please do let us know!

    It might be that again, he will get emotional and that it will go nowhere. This is a possibility and part of preparing for the meeting is seeing that it is a real possibility and be prepared to, once your calmness makes no difference, to get in your car and leave.

    It is an opportunity though for better communication and if that can help your daughter, there is great value in it. So, I would be cautiously optimistic.

    Setting rules and expectations at the start of the meeting can maximize the chances for it being a good meeting… expectations are very important to set. It is a good expectation for him to not expect all problems to go away. I hope he expects some discomfort, some old issues coming up again, in his own brain. And that he expects that not all problems are going to be resolved in that one meeting, if ever.

    Please do post again, anytime, before and after!

    anita

    March 1, 2016 at 2:01 pm #97767
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hippie Chick,

    That is so great that you two are meeting, it just goes to show you are compassionate, mature and understanding people to come together. It’s okay to not know what to expect or what to say, as a script or pre-planning will just cloud your mind. Be positive in knowing things will be calm and will go well with one another when you do see each other. He may even smile and you’ll know what to say once you two see each other. Just go with flow, the best way to not feel anxious. Meet somewhere quiet and peaceful and enjoy the peaceful setting around you. Or the restaurant, like you said if that is the most comfortable too.

    Everything will be just fine and no you two can re-build what was lost.

    Sending you a lot of love, positivity and light your way. <3

    M.

    March 2, 2016 at 12:32 am #97806
    Bakedbean
    Participant

    This advice is top notch. I fell foul of this situation only recently. My ex wanted to meet up and be ‘friends’. I trusted him to be sensitive and I was prepared to make it clear that I did not want more than friendship. Unfortunately he chose to talk about subjects which were like a knife through my heart. I deflected as much as I could bear until I got up and left. I wish I had had the foresight to set the boundaries at the start of the meeting.

    He then emailed me 2 days later to say he had a good time and would like to do it again!! I left him in no doubt that he had crossed several lines and we would not be doing it again. I was painfully reminded of why we are no longer together.

    Hope all went well for you.

    Take care

    BB

    March 2, 2016 at 1:09 am #97809
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi BB,

    I’m really sorry to hear about your mis-hap with your ex. This sounds very hurtful for you 🙁

    You did the right thing, since he dis-respected you and felt ” a knife through your heart ” about subjects you weren’t prepared for. Setting boundaries at the beginning of a meeting is completely fair, I agree. So that you may feel comfortable.

    “I left him in no doubt that he had crossed several lines and we would not be doing it again. I was painfully reminded of why we are no longer together.”

    Wow, not sure of what happened but if he was dis-respecting you during the entire time of your meet up, to where he crossed several lines as you said. Then you had every right to leave. You must do what’s right for you and you did. This person sounds un-reasonable and irrational to not consider your feelings and personal boundaries during your meet up. I’m truly very sorry your recent situation didn’t turn out but you can now breathe a sigh of relief that you can forget about this person and move on with your life now, so that you no longer feel threatened.

    Sending you a bunch positivity, love and light your way.

    M.

    March 2, 2016 at 3:42 am #97813
    Bakedbean
    Participant

    Thanks M 🙂 It is very kind of you to be so supportive to me (not my thread). I just posted to help the OP realise that the advice others were giving was great and I hope she updates to let us know how it went.

    Have a great day

    BB

    March 2, 2016 at 4:02 am #97816
    HippieChick
    Participant

    Just wanted to update everyone who gave great advice. The meeting went very,very well. We talked for the majority of the time about some (thankfully fairly minor) issues with our daughter and then did discuss some of the leftover feelings from the ending of our marriage. The ironic thing is that he recently ended a year long relationship in which he became unhappy because he and the woman just were not a good fit and says this opened his eyes to what I was feeling when we separated. We ended by catching up a little on our respective families and mutual friends…even discussed music and “regular” things a little.

    I don’t know where it’ll go from here. It’s a little early to say we’ll be friends but we can definitely be civil and friendly so for that I’m grateful!

    March 2, 2016 at 7:11 am #97828
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear HippieChick:

    Thank you for following through with the update! Sounds like he was in a good state of mind during the meeting, good. I like your cautiously optimistic attitude. And glad it is fairly minor issues with your daughter. Post anytime!

    anita

    March 2, 2016 at 7:40 am #97831
    Lsler
    Participant

    That’s great, Hippiechick! Time can do some amazing things. And for a little irony, just last night, my most recent ex emailed me asking if we could meet up and ponder a friendship. How’s that for timing?! 😉

    March 2, 2016 at 3:48 pm #97853
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    So happy for you Hippiechick! That is wonderful news! 🙂

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