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Meltdown when he doesn't answer his phone

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  • August 20, 2018 at 10:57 am #222205
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Violet:

    I have three approaches in mind, for your problem:

    1. Practice reasonable self control  over your behavior toward him when you get worried. Your worry will show, I understand, but you can control your behavior so you don’t display aggression toward him, from not blaming him for your anxiety (which preceded your relationship with him) to not raising your voice and so forth.

    2. It is fair that he accommodate you in regard to your anxiety by doing all he can do to keep his phone charged and to check his phone once an hour or so (when he is not at work) to see if you called.

    3. Explore the origin of your anxiety. Your share makes me think of a young child crying as her mother left for work or elsewhere, fearing her mother will never come back. It is a terrible fear for a child. Anything  like that?

    anita

     

    August 20, 2018 at 10:58 am #222207
    Anonymous
    Guest

    * didn’t reflect under Topics

    August 20, 2018 at 2:09 pm #222255
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I somewhat relate to this very much, I get anxious when my boyfriend doesn’t text me back and I know he’s not at work. Usually what I do (I have really bad anxiety but have learned to control my behavior), is to talk to a friend. I explain the situation and they try to keep me calm and distracted. I try to watch a movie, draw, listen to music. Anything to keep me focused and not thinking about him. I also suggest, like Anita said, to explore what could be the root of this. Also talking to him would be a great idea.

    August 21, 2018 at 12:42 pm #222407
    MonsterGirl79
    Participant

    Dear Violet,

    Thank you for sharing this. I like very much what Anita and Lola suggest.

    I can relate. I was married to a narcissist for 10 years who cheated on me and constantly lied.  He’d make me feel crazy when I confronted him about anything. I recently began dating a wonderful man. It started out slowly as a friendship and has blossomed into everything I ever hoped for.  We live in different cities; but only like 45 minutes from each other. I know he works two jobs and has family responsibilities; we talk everyday and he keeps me in the loop when something is going on. I work a full time job and co-parent my kids with my ex.  I pretty much know where my boyfriend is at at all times.  But you’re right; my past experiences, despite getting to know him more and build trust, cause me to doubt the slightest change in his plans or day. Or if he says he’ll text or call me at a certain time and doesn’t, or respond back to me quickly enough, instead of realizing something could be wrong, or something came up, I immediately get upset and start to spiral.  “Has he changed his mind about me?”, “does he think I’m too clingy?”, “is he getting tired of me?”, “Is he with his ex wife?”, “I knew I wasn’t pretty enough for him..”  It turns out there is always a good explanation; his phone died, his grandma needed something urgent, he had a medical family emergency..and I know his sister so I know all these things are true.  These moments of insecurity are getting fewer and further between, but they still occur.  We both had bad marriages, so we try to be understanding of each others insecurities and “deal breakers”…but it can be hard.

    But what I’ve been doing is trying very hard in the moment to stop myself and say, “ok, there is always a good reason if he doesn’t answer right away.  I have to remember all the truths I know about him and all the times he has shown I can trust him. I’m not going to get out of control right now, upsetting myself, and upsetting him because I love him. When I talk to him I will find out what the reason was and then I will feel silly for getting so worked up.  If it is not an acceptable excuse, the two of us will discuss it like adults.”

    I just have to try and remember he is NOT my ex and he has to be able to trust ME TO TRUST HIM, as much as I have to actually trust him.

    I wish you the very best!!

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