Dear Madam B:

Six months ago, you (53, twice divorced, adult children) “started to feel differently about everything”. You felt that you didn’t want to work anymore, that you would like to “buy a boat… live on some of the equity and maybe work a couple of days a week”. Your mother, “an over controlling, critical mother” responded negatively to your plan and you stopped speaking to her.

“I want to be a free spirit… and not to be controlled judged , or bullied by anyone ever again” – your main judge and bully has been your mother: you were born to a critical, over controlling mother; you grew up with her, she’s been in your life for more than half a century- this means that her critical voice is strong in your head, not only when she is present with you, but also when she is absent. It will not be a good thing if you quit your job, buy a boat, go through all these major changes- and after a short period of feeling free and happy-  you start hearing her critical voice as loud as can be,  spoiling your new adventure, your new life.

I think that it will be a good idea for you to have some quality therapy at this point  so that you can free yourself from your mother’s critical voice best you can before you make the changes you want to make.

“is it emotional , am I ridiculous am I making a mistake . I’ve forgotten to trust my own judgements and be brave enough to carry them out and I need help” – a quality therapist’s help will be best, so that you can lower the volume of your mother’s critical, overcontrolling voice in your head and resurrect your own voice; abandon her judgments and trust your own judgements, and be brave to live your life your own way!

anita

Dear Madam B:

You are welcome. Critical Mothers have a lot of power over their children, a damaging power. I had a very critical, very judgmental mother. I crossed continents and oceans to get away from her, but… alas, my mother had a mental representative  in my brain, and that mental rep kept doing her job in her physical absence, telling me repeatedly that I am thinking wrong, and feeling wrong and looking wrong and sounding wrong and … and.

I can “hear” the mental rep of your mother in your original post question: “is it emotional , am I ridiculous am I making a mistake“? You asked these questions because your mother’s mental rep said to you: You are Emotional! You are Ridiculous! You are making a Mistake!

When you hear the mental rep doing your mother’s bidding in her absence, you can use the NPR strategy: Notice (that the rep said something), Pause (press a pause button on the rep’s audio so that it stops talking to you), and Redirect (press the play button on your own audio: your own thoughts, your own values, your own understanding, etc.)

anita