June 22, 2022 at 2:58 pm #402916Madam BParticipant
Around 6 months ago, I started to feel differently about everything, my job, my relationships, my family it’s slowly slipped into some kind of depression and after a visit to the doctors , it was suggested I’m menopausal ( 53) .
seeing things differently meant I felt I didn’t want to work anymore , I’ve told my over controlling , critical mother that it’s not acceptable to pick grocery shopping over seeing her granddaughter she’s not seen over 6 months , that I would like to buy a boat which I visited and loved, live on some of the equity and maybe work a couple of days a week . I see people for who they are , the slaves we all are to the system and basically want out the rat race .
friends are supportive , my children think it’s Fantastic, when I did talk to my mum before I stopped speaking to her she says it’s ridiculous giving up your house and job, she worked until she was 70 and moved 3 times in her life . I’m emotional yes but I’m logical careful with money , been through some truly awful traumas , 2 divorces , death and for the later part of my life I want to be a free spirit, not relying on a man to make me happy , or wealth and not to be controlled judged , or bullied by anyone ever again .
ive spoken to so many women who have reached an age where they have felt this , is it emotional , am I ridiculous am I making a mistake . I’ve forgotten to trust my own judgements and be brave enough to carry them out and I need helpJune 22, 2022 at 3:27 pm #402921
Dear Madam B:
“Menopause or madness”?- neither Menopause nor Madness, says I: Sanity is what it looks to me!
anitaJune 22, 2022 at 7:48 pm #402926
Dear Madam B:
Six months ago, you (53, twice divorced, adult children) “started to feel differently about everything”. You felt that you didn’t want to work anymore, that you would like to “buy a boat… live on some of the equity and maybe work a couple of days a week”. Your mother, “an over controlling, critical mother” responded negatively to your plan and you stopped speaking to her.
“I want to be a free spirit… and not to be controlled judged , or bullied by anyone ever again” – your main judge and bully has been your mother: you were born to a critical, over controlling mother; you grew up with her, she’s been in your life for more than half a century- this means that her critical voice is strong in your head, not only when she is present with you, but also when she is absent. It will not be a good thing if you quit your job, buy a boat, go through all these major changes- and after a short period of feeling free and happy- you start hearing her critical voice as loud as can be, spoiling your new adventure, your new life.
I think that it will be a good idea for you to have some quality therapy at this point so that you can free yourself from your mother’s critical voice best you can before you make the changes you want to make.
“is it emotional , am I ridiculous am I making a mistake . I’ve forgotten to trust my own judgements and be brave enough to carry them out and I need help” – a quality therapist’s help will be best, so that you can lower the volume of your mother’s critical, overcontrolling voice in your head and resurrect your own voice; abandon her judgments and trust your own judgements, and be brave to live your life your own way!
anitaJune 23, 2022 at 1:25 am #402940Madam BParticipant
I have had lots of counselling about other things but not focussed on my parents, wise idea I don’t want to take the baggage with me . Thankyou 🙏June 23, 2022 at 5:40 am #402943
Dear Madam B:
You are welcome. Critical Mothers have a lot of power over their children, a damaging power. I had a very critical, very judgmental mother. I crossed continents and oceans to get away from her, but… alas, my mother had a mental representative in my brain, and that mental rep kept doing her job in her physical absence, telling me repeatedly that I am thinking wrong, and feeling wrong and looking wrong and sounding wrong and … and.
I can “hear” the mental rep of your mother in your original post question: “is it emotional , am I ridiculous am I making a mistake“? You asked these questions because your mother’s mental rep said to you: You are Emotional! You are Ridiculous! You are making a Mistake!
When you hear the mental rep doing your mother’s bidding in her absence, you can use the NPR strategy: Notice (that the rep said something), Pause (press a pause button on the rep’s audio so that it stops talking to you), and Redirect (press the play button on your own audio: your own thoughts, your own values, your own understanding, etc.)