I would really appreciate some wisdom and advice.

(Sorry for any mistakes but english is not my first language).

Ever since i remember myself i was a stressed and anxious kid because of my parents’ unhealthy relationship. My dad was always abusing my mum (verbally and physically). I was always scared of my conservative and unstable dad but it got worse when i started going to middle school. It was then when he would get into fights with me for nonsense reasons. He used to call me bitch, worthless, stupid and useless.

Once he told me “i wish you died”. He was very drunk. I am sure he doesn’t remember this but i can’t forget it. Those three years in middle school were a nightmare at home. I would wake up every single day super stressed.

I couldn’t wait to grow, study, find a good job and live in peace.

Of course nothing went as planned.
When i become more independent (studying and working) and graduated from university i had no idea and still dont have any idea what i want to do with my life. My dad has moved abroad to work which means i can do whatever i want but nothing excites me.

I am never happy with my life but sometimes i have happy moments. I have a stable job for the last 5 years(i am 27 years old) and i got a good promotion a year ago and become a manager. Big achievement for me but there is still something missing.

I overthink a lot, i am definitely not the most positive person in the world, i stress even for stupid things. Getting stressed is stressing me even more as i get fever, feel weak, cant focus on anything and few years ago i even lost all my eyebrow hair.

It is very hard for me to do my daily tasks so most of the days i end up doing nothing productive and all my days are literally wasted. My negative thoughts eat up my energy.

Some of my daily and negative thoughts are: i am unhappy that my parents were unhappy when they were young, i am still sad because of my grandmother’s death (20 years ago), i am too old to change my life, i will never find my purpose in life, i will never start dreaming again and having ambitions, i will never find a man who will truly love me and dont get advantage of me, i will never have enough time to spend and make good memories with my parents because of me and the way i am, i will never get rid off of my bad childhood memories, i will never forgive my dad.

I want to see what other people see in me. No one has any idea what is really going on in my head. I always had teachers, friends, colleagues, managers who believed in me and that i can achieve many things in my life with my skills. However i am so scared to make that move. I am so scared that i feel emotionally and physically paralyzed. I dont want to disappoint people that love and i am afraid of failure.

Whenever something bad happens it feels like it’s the end of the world and i am ready to give up on everything. Sometimes i just want to disappear by killing myself but i know this is not an option for me because my parents dont deserve to go through this so i start again until something good happens. And then i am better until something bad happens again. Endless circle.

Is it possible to end this pain and war in my head? If yes, how? How can you achieve the peace in your life when you have never had it? Can you forgive people that you love but hurt you so much? Can you really face your fears and change yourself and start a new life?

I realize that my text is a big mess but it is very hard to put my thoughts in order.

Thank you 🙂