sounds kinda silly but it’s what’s happening.

i woke up one day. my kids yelling at me. at each other. for no reason other than not getting what they want right then. & it hit me. i am going to die in this place. miserable as &%$#. this isn’t living. it’s barely surviving.
my ‘career’ never really ‘took off’, despite my 35k in student loans, so now i’m a stay at home mom to 4 kids (one off to college soon, 7, 4 & 2). i couldn’t get a job out of college so i freelanced. that was good for a while but then that went belly up & most places looking to hire don’t like freelancers for some reason, so i still couldn’t get a job. not that it matters because all my working program knowledge is officially out of date. plus apparently my ‘talent’ isn’t good enough anyways.

I hate my location, even though i’ve lived here my whole life. I live in, not quite the ghetto but just adjacent. my house is quite literally falling apart in some places & i can not get ahead in my finances do a damn thing about it. the plan was buy a house that needed fixing up & sell it with in 5 years…. 11 years later, we’re still here & not much has gotten done on the house due to cash flow.

my kids are jerks (except the baby, she’s cool), despite my daily efforts to get them to behave & be respectful, they just don’t care. the oldest is only mildly annoying, she’s almost an adult. the 7 year old…. has lots of issues with appropriate social interaction in school. we’ve done testing & counseling. very slow progress. the 4 year old, just screams and wails at EVERYTHING. again though, the baby’s cool.

my husband seems to be just fine with all of this, he’s even part of the problem. he’s just another kid for me to look after most of the time & must tell him what to do. ‘hey hubby, the kids are hitting each other again. ya know, right in front of your face. literally’. ‘hey hubby, that broken thing you keep stepping over, maybe you should fix it’. ‘hey hubby, maybe you should go back to school like you always said you were gonna do. here’s a &^%$ ton of research i did for you on schools, majors, & jobs in that field’. ‘hey hubby, could you pick up after yourself?’ apathetic & not mindful of anything around him.

distraught to the core & feeling the need to get out. i love these people, so leaving them behind is not going to happen but it can’t continue like this. i can not continue like this. stagnation is killing me. killing my spirit. but go where? do what? with what money? maybe this is why people buy corvettes or get boyfriends/girlfriends on the side. the need to change one’s circumstance but overcome with indecision or just being lost.