Dear birdyy

Am not good with advises, nor expect in relationships or psychological stuff. But I once had a relationship of that sort. We were getting in and out of the relationship. I was feeling like its the only life I know. I was not happy when I was in the relationship and I was not happy also when I was out of the relationship.
Until…I questioned myself what if I choose the pain of being out of a relationship and deal with that pain. Ofcouse it was not easy. I always had the urge to call him, the urge to see him..but would that make me happy, da answer was no. The reason I did not choose to deal with the pain of being with him is that its the pain that does not depend on my control.
How I dealt with the pain of being without him??, is the question….it was a very hard question for me. I have let myself to think about him everyday, all the good things we shared all the bad things that happened, I either cried or did nothing about the thoughts.

I went to parks, I went to reading groups, I went to things I enjoy doing alone and felt liberated. My mind was tired of thinking about him. I started replacing the thoughts about him with things that excites me. I was not afraid to go into myself anymore, I cannot say I am completely healed as he now tries to reach out on me and that takes me ten steps backwards by hearing his voice or seeing him. But I challenge myself to pull myself back on the track.
I would say take tiny steps that makes a difference..even if its not a significant difference, but start there, dont be hard on yourself. Remember you only have power to control your life and not his life. As for the relationship I think it is already damaged and will take hard hard work if you are trying to fix it.

I hope I was of help at some point
Take care

Hi birdyy

I think you may have come to a point in your relationship when you are at a cross-roads when you want to go one way and he wants to go another. But as there is an attachment of four years still there between the two of you, it seems sad to let that go. I know. I’ve been there.
I stayed in a yo-yo relationship, which was not physically abusive, but it was an emotional drain.
I was the one who always initiated the meet-ups and the hang-outs as well as the walk-outs. I always thought that if he initiated the walk-out then it would be better.
But I was making excuses to just stay another day with my attachment.

I wondered a lot about what I wanted out of life. I also knew that a trouble spots in a relationship doesn’t mean it has to be the end. Sometimes things work out.

But on this occasion, in my life, when I really looked inwards and asked myself if this was what I wanted. I realized it wasn’t. I let the attachment go and watch it float away like a balloon.
I said thank you for the good times in my mind. I smiled at the moments that made me happy, and forgave the moments that made me sad. Forgiveness is not accepting, it is telling yourself that you won’t allow yourself to feel that way again.

Finally I cut the string of that yo-yo and I allowed myself to fall to the ground. Then picked myself up, brushed myself down and walked into the next episode of my life.

I am married now. I don’t even live in the same country anymore. I am now living my dream.

Things work out, if you allow yourself to be happy.
May you find that happiness.

What do you get out of seeing him? What good does it bring you? Can you think of other ways you could get some of those good things, that do not involve him?

This will help you break the chains. Good luck.

People romanticize the past. Ever seen a place again that you haven’t been to in a long time? That “cozy” little studio apartment in the “historic” building on the “active” side of town turns into a cramped room in a partially collapsed building on the wrong side of the tracks when you get a chance to revisit it.

People hate to admit that they made mistakes. I couldn’t possibly have devoted “X” number of years to this steaming pile of feces in a vaguely humanoid shape, there has to be some redeeming quality there somewhere…

People think they can “fix” others. Well, you can, but it usually requires surgery or a “nut cracker” or Bob Barker [remember to spay and neuter] with some hedge clippers:) But, that’s another type of “fixing” I guess.

People think they did “something.” Well, unless you’re a Stygian Hag, Grendel’s maternal unit, or a gorgon, it’s probably not something you did. If you are one of those things, the chances are pretty good that your significant other is not around to complain about it.

People are afraid of losing what they have. They fear losing what they have more than they anticipate gaining something new.

People think they “need” something.

People have crappy self-confidence at times. Part of the thing that abusive people do is work on trying to destroy the self-confidence of their victims.

Question: Is getting beat to hell (assuming that’s the physical problem) worth whatever “benefit” you get out of the relationship?

Next question: Can you get that benefit elsewhere without getting beat to hell?

Final question: Why aren’t you doing this already?

There are lots of guys out there who don’t believe in beating the hell out of or emotionally abusing their significant others. There are lots of guys who believe in treating women with respect. My suggestion is to find one of these guys, and leave this particular male biped to his own devices.

Sorry for the somewhat snarky tone, I have no time or respect for men who abuse women.