Hmmm… I just see the text after posting it.. Wow, it is really long.. Probably not necessary for such a simple story..

Hi Anita,

Thank you so much for your kind reply.
And thank you for being fine with it, but it bothers me a bit, because i am a kind of person that likes to contribute, here i don’t do it much because i often feel i don’t have enough insights to give advice, and also, at the moment i seem to need all my energy to keep my own head above the water.
Yes you have a good memory, i remember that as well, that was interested, i did that inner selves exercise on paper and actually had an interesting experience where they started to talk with each other, and getting things straight, haha!

Thank you for saying that i do have things to say. I guess everyone does. I guess i just like to put myself down because i can’t talk about a lot of things, and i’m not good in social talk, and i tend to block easily. But i’m probably not the only one with that. And i forget, that with some people, i just like to be around them, having much to talk about or not.

I mailed about it to a friend in my home country as well, and she replied that if he didn’t do anything to look for further contact, she thinks he is not interested, but i think that’s very easy. That’s what i have done my whole life, waiting until the other takes initiative (also about (potential) friends or acquintances), so i’ve missed a lot of sociale contact because of that.
I don’t have any friends where i live, since a few years, because i’m so insecure, so that also doesn’t help to gather the courage to ask this to a guy.

I had a day off today and tried to enjoy it and relax a bit, but i just keep jumping from one option to the other. I guess you are right, it would be best to ask it. Even just for myself, to take myself seriously enough and to give myself a chance. And if it is no, then i know it and i can stop hoping and fantasising, then i have the pain and can get on with my life after that. And, as we say in my language “You have a no already, a yes you can get”.
I keep looking for proofs that he likes me, or on the other opposite, that it was all comedy. I hate that paranoidness, i like somebody so much and then i tell myself that he plays comedy with me, which would make him a really awful person, to play with somebody for so long. And he isn’t an awful person. It could be that he just likes me, but nothing more, but then also i need to know that at some point. If he doesn’t want to keep in contact, or does in a friendly way. I think it is the worst, to keep going on in my head making interpretations and fantasies because i’m afraid…

Thank you for the encouragement. That is actually what i have been doing for so long: i have to appear perfectly to other people for them to accept me, so i used to put on a fake smile and being hyperactive, because that is what other people seemed to do. I am slowly starting to see that i can be, and need to be myself, even if that means that i am serious and my face looks serious.
It probably makes it harder that i will have to ask this at his work, because if i wait for a random moment to meet him by coincidence and get to talk to him, that might be difficult. So at work i need to have a good moment, quiet and nobody around that shouldn’t hear that – i am quite mistrusting towards many people there, i feel there is a bit a hypocritical atmosphere, and anyway, that is not everybody’s business. But i should stop thinking about it, because the more i think about it, the bigger it might become. Maybe i should just visualise me doing it, so that it seems more natural, i don’t know.
And then i am afraid that he is shy (which he is, towards me anyway) and doesn’t say anything, but then that is his responsability.

On the other hand i wonder, this has been going on for a year and haven’t manage much to talk to each other, does it makes sence to still try it?

Aaargh, and that is how i make myself crazy. I keep thinking about it, in order to avoid feeling it or having to do something, and that way i make things such a big mountain in my head that nothing ever happens.
I can choose to do it, but then, will i manage to do it as well?
I should probably stop thinking about it (ha ha, as if i could!) until Thursday, and then decide if i go or not, with the excuse to ask again for my document (i also don’t want to look like obsessed with that document, which i’m not 😉 ), because Thursday is the weekday that would work best i think, having a slight idea who works when and when it is more busy..
Because i can’t plan everything anyway, it will also depend on him. If i go and he avoids contact, then it will be a different story, then if he talks enthousiastically and seems happy to see me as well.
Pfffff.. Stop thinking about it, and be in the moment.

Dear Anita,

First of all, sorry to hear you were sick, and thank you for still taking the effort to write here that you would reply later. You are so kind and considerate. I hope you are better now.

Yes, the therapist. I still have my doubts about it. Even though i think i need it, it’s a lot of money and money is hard coming in… But i’ll give it a chance because i need to do something.
This emotional time about my colleague has made it again clear, how destructive i am towards myself. How hard and rigid i am towards myself, and how impossible i make my life for myself.

Ok, i had a very nice feeling with this guy and i am missing him, that hurts and i think i have to allow that pain and sadness to be felt, instead of running away from it, like i usually do.
What also hurts, is that i was working with him for a year (we didn’t see each other everyday, and in the winter we didn’t see each other for some months, and the last months we saw each other almost daily and we worked together for 2 nights per day), and all of this time, i kept running away from him, i had such a huge difficulty to let him come closer, i did a lot of pushing away on these little moments where he was just making a nice contact. That is also what hurts me, and what makes me sad. The self-sabotaging of pushing nice people away, of not knowing how to allow myself to be close and real with people that i connect with, and not knowing how to just enjoy that connection.
I did make some effort to change that, and we did have some nice times as well, so i think i did make a litle bit of progress. But still, not like i would like it to be. Something i need to learn from, to learn to be nicer to myself, so that the next time maybe i can manage a little bit better.

The fact that he didn’t come, yes it doesn’t feel very good. I don’t know why he didn’t come, of course.
But i can’t be too judgmental, looking at the fact how i would, for most of the time, trying to get closer and then run away or push away again. I didn’t act too normal or healthy either. In the last week of work, after my notice, i barely spoke to him anymore (because i was overwhelmed with sadness about not seeing him anymore), neither did he. I would have liked to ask him then, if he would like to stay in contact, but i didn’t. I just left and said ‘seey you’. And then suddenly, 2 weeks later i phone him and ask him over for tea. That might be a bit strange as well.
It might be that he is not interested – which is probably the case.

Anyway. I sent him a text yesterday, that i didn’t hear from him Tuesday, that i would have liked to keep in touch, but it seemed like he didn’t want, so i won’t annoy him anymore. That he is always welcome if he wants to say hi, in the hostel or in the shop. And that i wish him all the best, that it was very nice to work with him.
And i think, now i have to let go of it.
Just after sending that text, i felt my emotions going up, fear, embarresment, anger (because i already imagined that they would be having a good laugh about me and seeing me as a stupid ridiculous little girl…), so i phoned to that phoneline again, to look for some help to see things in perspective.
She helped me to see that i am actually very strong, living in a foreign country without anybody, and i keep going, with so much difficulties. She also said that she thaught that text was ok. And i guess i think so as well, apart from all my fears and feelings that it looked ridiculous or pathetic. I expressed something of disappointment about him not showing up. I left the door open if he would like to meet again – which of course, i would still hope, i can’t just let go of missing him immediately. And i expressed some appreciation and good wishes – i feel that people could see that as pathetic, but i guess that would be very strange.
I feel that i was imposing or ridiculous with sending this text, or that is what i am afraid of that they will think about me. But i guess i did what felt right for me, honestly expressing that i would have liked to keep in touch and expressing that i enjoyed working with him. That is something that i wanted to say to him anyway.

So, now i need to let go of it, and start focusing on myself again. Getting used to my new job, and finding nice things to do for now and where i can meet nice people (i phoned finally to a teacher in the yoga centre, that holds classes about mindfulness, apparantly the meditate together, and listen to a podcast about mindfulness, and have a little break in between, which sounds exactly what i could use, so i will go for the first time this evening), and start to think about going to school again.
I want to be grateful that i met this lovely person, and i wish him all good, but i shouldn’t keep hoping for further contact. And i need to stop feeling bad about leaving that workplace because of missing him. For some reasons i decided to leave that job, so now it is time to use that in a positive way. I feel a lot better having some contact with costumers and i feel that does more for my self-worth (even though, my self-worth shouldn’t be dependent on that..). If a friendship was or is meant to be, maybe it will, but i will stop hoping for it. I guess people come in our lives to teach us something, and to help us along, and i will try to learn some things from meeting him.

I’m still hoping to become a bit more active on this site, but there are only 24 hours in the day, and right now i want to take some more time for myself, relaxing and doing positive things, away from the computer.

Thank you very much Anita, for your support. You have helped me to take the phone and ask this, and to be real, and i think i will remember this, the next time that i might meet somebody nice 🙂

Dear Anita,

First of all, I think you are quite amazing. If i see the amount of energy you put in helping and supporting others on this forum. I was just browsing around here and saw somebody who just started a thread about her current situation, and directed it towards you. I think that shows how compassionate you are and how it can influence people.

Thank you for thinking further with me. I don’t know why. I feel that you want to understand me more, or even want to help me understand things better and go deeper towards things. Or maybe you just like to try to understand others better? I have no idea, but i appreciate the fact that you are trying to understand me more.

In fact, i am scared of bees, even though i have never been stuck, but this to the side 😉

Yes i am very scared, but i think that i have also other feelings in me which are very big, but which i maybe still don’t allow enough, or bury them under the fear. Maybe i just find it hard to accept that that is what i am, a scared person. Or maybe the fear is ruining a lot of things…

I think that i am scared to be vulnerable. To be real. To be myself. To show myself as i am, and as what i feel to others.
I hitchhike a lot, and i travelled a little bit, and i would have no problem making conversations with strangers. In those travels, i would spend time in a group doing voluntary work, and in those groups i would be very quiet and unhappy, drained of energy. On my photos of those groups you could see me, with an unhappy face and as a very unhappy person. But when i was ‘on the road’, with people who i would never see again, then it is different. You can also see this on certain photos, where i look shining and happy and radiant. The same goes for school or work. In those situations i am usually anxious, withdrawn, insecure, and blocked.
So if i am in a situation where i will see people more often, something in me blocks. When it is a ‘one-moment’ situation, i will often chat away and be more extravert. I say these examples because i think it might make it more clear.

I think i am afraid to make connections with people, to allow people to come close, because i can’t believe it is true. If it seems true (which was the case with S), then there must be something wrong, so i get into the paranoid thinking and in the pushing away. I don’t deserved it.

When i was a child, it was hard to be real. My mother had a lot of problems, physical health problems as well as emotional problems. When i was in hospital, i saw once on a report that i described her as having borderline – not with those words but because of the way i described her. She didn’t have control over herself, had a lot of self-loathing and worked it out on me. She was very unpredictable and i was scared of her. she woud have big rage-outbursts, shouting and shaking me around. Maybe i was already sensitive as a child, but i was scared. And then at times she would regret and come to me ‘oh my little sprout, you love your mummy don’t you..’ I don’t know if these were the exact words but in that kind of attitude. With a kind of feeling the she needed my reassurance, that everything was ok. Now i realise, that was actually already a kind of helper role that i was taking on. When i was scared of her, and when she burst out in anger, out of proportion, then i was already taking on the responsibility to comfort her, and to tell her that everything was ok. While i was hurt, and scared, but who was there to comfort me, to give me the assurance that everything was ok?
There was never real affection, real safety.
My father was the safe person, the reliable person. I was not afraid of him. But there was also not really affection, or attention. When i was 18, my parents divorced, my mother took me with her but later the court decided that my father should raise me, which is what he had fought for and also what i wanted, because i was scared of my mother. My father did what he could, but he didn’t know how to give me affection. When i was an adult, he told me that he never gave me a hug, or never even put an arm around me, because he was afraid that people would think about child abuse. I remember there was never the time or the space to listen to me. I would come back from school or other acitivities and wanting to tell something, and he would act with ‘yes, yes..’ on a tone that said, i showed some attention but not wholewheartedly, and then ‘and now i want to watch tv’. Meals were always in silence. I never remember a genuine smile from either of them. I still find it hard to smile genuinely, and usually don’t manage it. Especially when i like somebody.

With my mother, later, as a teenager, i remember a lot of times where she would be complaining to me about how bad her life is, and what the point would be to keep living. So as a teenager i was trying to support my mother, listening to her, trying to show understanding, trying to encourage her. She would sometimes give signs in a very indirect way. I remember once, when i was spending the weekend with her, and in the morning would come downstairs and find a paper on the table ‘who to call in case Xx (her name) would die’, and then names and phone numbers in order of priority. This was further making me scared, because there was always a kind of thread (in my feeling) that it would be my fault, that ik would be responsible in case she died, i wouldn’t have done enough to help her.

Also, as a teenager, i felt a huge pressure from my mother, to act as if everything was ok between us. That we just got along well as mother and daughter. A lot of acting. Pretending. Acting in a fake way, with a fake kind of voice. I think this is what really messed me up, because things weren’t ok between us. She hadn’t been there for me and she had never given me the safety or love that every child needed. Maybe she couldn’t she had had problems with her mother and that had been the way for the previous generations. But then i had to put up this kind of play, which i did, probably because i felt this would be safer than to be honest and rebelling or not playing it. When i would be impolite (i was also a teenager, remember), she would give me comments that would be guilt-inducing. So i think that made me feeling not real, feeling that i had to put up a huge facade and faking, in order to be accepted (and is that not one of the basic needs, as a child?). Pushing myself further away.

As an adult (now less because i live abroad), my father would sometimes complain to me about his problems with the attitude of his girlfriends’ daughter, who is not very nice to him, even though he does a lot for her. And i would listen, trying to support him. Give him the emotional support that i kept longing for, to get from him. My father tries to support me a lot, on the practical level, and is always there for me when he can. When i was in hospitals and completely desperate and suicidal, he would try in his way, to give me hope, but really listening to me, he just can’t.

There was never a lot of physical violence. Anyway, i don’t think the bit of physical stuff messed me up.
But psychologically, probably a lot more than i still would like to admit to myself.
And these things are more invisable. People don’t notice easily what’s going on with this way of acting. Or, i don’t think they notice, even if they did, it is a lot more complicated and less open.

So, i think i have learned as a child, that there is no place for me. People are scary, i have to try really hard to please them and it is nearly impossible. People are cold and distant, so that is what i became towards other people. I became distant to them and i extremely respect other people’s space and the distance, because i am so scared to come closer. I don’t want to be distant and cold, and i long so hard to get closer to people, because i actually think that inside i have a lot of warmth as well. But i don’t know how to do it. I get scared for longer contacts than a few days. Scared of being judged, scared of being rejected and ignored. I get nerveus as soon as i am around people. I often act hyperactive, when i do try to say something it is usually not in a relaxed way, but very agitated, louder and nerveus. Of course, that is not nice for people to listen to. But i am so used to expecting that people will turn their back on me as soon as i open my mouth to say something, or that they wil start to laugh.

So, afraid of being ridiculed, i don’t know if it makes sense to you, reading my story. There was some ridiculing when i was little, but there was a lot more ignoring, the feeling that i didn’t exist, that i didn’t matter and that i was too much.
So i think now, the feeling and the fear that i have made myself look ridiculous by asking for more contact with S, I guess it is quite obvious, i have always learned that i am not allowed to be there, that i am in the way. So imagine, such a stupid little thing, asking such a lovely person to keep meeting up, because i like him. Why would he like me, of course he has a good laugh about my stupidity. That is my way of thinking, i know that is wrong, but that is the way of thinking a have always learned and actually still believe. Even though i have reasons to think that S actually also likes me, i find it hard to believe that, and i keep finding ways to not believe it, because that is a very scary thought.

You probably will not be surprised to read that i studied social work in college, and failed because i took it all way too serious. Even though my mentor at school said that she saw some great qualities in me to become a good social worker. And actually very glad that i don’t have to do that job, because i would probably have gone completely depressed after a few months.

And maybe it will not sound strange, when i say that i don’t know how to talk to people, about random stuff, in a relaxed way. Either very hyperactively. And that i tend to attract people who have problems and kind of use me as their personal counselor and are not very nice and respectful towards me – an experience that i had this year with a woman where i lived for 4 months, and then kicked me out like a piece of garbage with some agression, oops… it happened again..
I recently read about the Karpman triangle and that is totally me, the rescuer, and then becoming victim and then becoming angry and bitter, why this keeps happening…

OOf.. You asked me for some clarification. I don’t know if you wanted to know this much. I started writing, probably very happy with the attention of somebody, somebody who asks me ‘why are you scared’, and out of a feeling: maybe i will respond honestly for once, as a way of taking myself seriously enough.

It feels a bit strange to put this on the internet, but i think i will post it anyway, and trying to rely on the anonimity.