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Mom on Borderline Spectrum: Healing Yet Feel Alone

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  • #164702

    Hi Tiny Buddha Family,

    A lot of growth and pain has happened recently. The good news, I’m starting to disassociate less. And I actually experienced feeling sad from start to finish without going into my head and looping—(I’m feeling my emotions and regulating them! Yay!). However, being in therapy is starting to shine a better light on my upbringing. And I believe my mom is on the borderline spectrum. She didn’t call me names or commit any physical abuse. But she used (and uses) me for validating her feelings and regulating her emotions. She’s covertly manipulative, which drives me crazy—for instance, she may talk about how open, funny, and great one of my siblings is to me—I start to feel confused because is she really just giving my sibling a compliment or, in a convoluted way, is she expressing that she wishes I’d be more open? I don’t know. It can go both ways and has.

    I realized I can’t count on my mom to be emotionally there for me because she rarely has. It sucks because I realized when I’m having a bad day or am feeling down, I can’t text my mom and tell her about my bad day because I’m not sure what reaction I’ll get. I feel sad, depressed, and alone to know that I can’t rely on my mom—one of the few people you’re supposed to be able to rely on.

    Do you have wise words of wisdom? I’d really appreciate it. Thanks

     

    #164816
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear -Extra-ordinaryChica:

    I perceive mental health as our mind being congruent with reality, our thinking and feeling fitting reality. So when you “feel sad, depressed, and alone to know ” that you can’t rely on your mother, a person “you’re supposed to be able to rely on”-

    A mentally unwell person would take this sadness to mean that she should pursue her mother, make her reliable, change her, or wait for her to change. A mentally well person will take this sadness to mean that her mother is unreliable and therefore should be let go, no efforts to change her, no waiting. Instead, give up hope and invest in other relationships, maybe a future relationship with someone yet to be met, someone who is reliable.

    anita

    #164824
    norit
    Participant

    Hello -Extra-ordinaryChica,

    I saw your other post about healing your disassociation and wanted to comment on it before as I have similar issues with it, but wasn’t sure what to say. I should have said thank you for talking about it so openly. I’m very glad to see you’re managing it better!

    Recently I also realised I can’t rely on my parents as I would like to. As anita said, letting go has been the most helpful thing for me. Accepting them both for who they are, and not expecting otherwise or trying to change them. This means I’ve been turning to my support worker instead more, learn to support myself a bit better, and trust that the support I give myself is just as valid as getting it from someone else.

    I was worried I’d feel more alone by letting go of people, but then I realised they’ve not really been there for me emotionally all along, and yet here I am. It has been sad to realise, but is reassuring to know it can get better as I invest in other new relationships.

    I think just acknowledging that I’m allowed to feel angry or upset, and that it’s okay, has been quite helpful too? And understanding my parents’ own situations better. They’re human, and have their own troubles that they’ve maybe not worked through.

    Hope this is helpful somehow. 🙂

    #164852

    @anita Thank you for your advice; letting go is hard to hear. But you’re probably right.

    #164854

    @norit I’m happy you got something out of my disassociation post. It sounds like you’re on the right path to recovery. Thanks, your insight does help.

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