fbpx
Menu

Move on or Just Keep Fighting for It?

Home→Forums→Relationships→Move on or Just Keep Fighting for It?

New Reply
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • January 27, 2014 at 7:44 pm #49845
    Nia
    Participant

    We’ve been together for three years, we’ve known each other for eight. It felt as if he loved me unconditionally but now he left me. I’m 23 this year and he’s 24.

    We’ve been though a lot. I can’t enumerate any without seeming to keep tabs and in facet, conditional in our relationship. But I am in so much pain right now. I cry myself to sleep and I wake up feeling heavy. I just keep praying for strength so I can still face the day. I’m taking it one day at a time, but even that can seem difficult so every now and then, I take it one breath at a time.

    We already knew that the relationship was becoming unhealthy. We came from different back grounds, we were in different stages of our lives despite the small age difference, we wanted different things and we do things differently. We weren’t always like that though. There was a time when everything seemed to match. That’s why we had our relationship in the first place. There was so much potential and we had common dreams we want to achieve. But not anymore.

    I have already graduated college and I have a pretty stable job (which I also happen to enjoy) in a relative’s company. I’m in a bit of a hurry to get married and start a family because I have cysts in my ovaries and I don’t know if I’s still be able to have children if I wait longer. I’ve also become very particular with saving, investing and just getting ready so I can have a secure family life.

    On the other hand, he still has not finished college and has no solid plan on when he’s going to finish it. He recently quit a job he loves because he said he chose me over his job. He works night shifts and I have a regular day job. He says he wants to work, pursue his studies and have at least 3 small businesses by the time he graduates. Then we would travel afterwards.

    It seemed like a promising plan but then I don’t really see him acting on it. There are times when I don’t trust his judgement so I just go about things on my own so that I feel more secure. He takes this as offensive (which I understand) and he feels that I have no respect for him ( I don’t really blame him). I am a bit of an impatient person too. I get frustrated easily when things don’t go as planned.

    We broke up when I was reminding (okay a bit nagging) him about preparing to apply for a new job. Everything went downhill from there. All the problems and resentment rose to the surface and for the first time in our relationship, he said we should call it quits. He stood firm with that decision and I haven’t seen him for two weeks. At first I gave him space. But then yesterday I started begging him to talk to me so we can fix it. He said I just wanted closure and he’ll talk to me when he is no longer busy. He wouldn’t listen to me anymore. I’m not used to him treating me so coldly and indifferently. There were times when I wanted to break up with him, but never like this. I’m afraid he’s really made up his mind and that was that.

    The only thing confusing me right now is the fact that before we got into that fight, he told me that I only loved him because he loved me. He said he wanted to see what I’d do if he didn’t treat me as he used to. I am not sure if this is just a challenge from him. I do love him. I do want him close. But I also want him to learn to be more responsible. And act more like a man.

    Any advice?

    January 27, 2014 at 8:48 pm #49852
    Lia
    Participant

    Nia, first sorry my bad English. You can believe me: I understand your point! I was in a situation like yours.I learn two important things: you have to be pacient, people have different times and you need to to see if you and your boyfriend hava the same expectations in life, so when you have a choice.
    And respect time, including your time, is a chance you have to show your maturity to him, but don’t give him a opportunity to hurt you. If you feels he is spending you time or love, be brave! Let him go! I hope helped you! Lia.

    January 27, 2014 at 9:52 pm #49861
    Nia
    Participant

    Thank you Lia.

    It only hurts because I want to be with him…. even though I know that we are not doing each other much good right now. I know he would never hurt me on purpose or because he has bad intentions. He loved me through many dark times.

    I want to believe that we can still compromise. But he’s not giving me a chance to negotiate.

    how did it work out for you when you were in a similar situation? Did you get back together or did you just move on?

    Nia

    January 27, 2014 at 11:31 pm #49868
    Lily
    Participant

    Nia,

    I am terribly sorry to hear that you are going through so much pain and hurt. Big hugs. It is a tough time, reach out to people who love and support you and most of all, the peace and love that exists within you. You are not alone by any means. You are totally capable of handling this and thriving.

    With regards to your boy friend, it could be that he needs time to see what he is missing and reach out to you. That being said, no one knows if he will reach out or not. You can try, try your best but you dont control the outcome. Thats the hard part here. I know that you mean the best for you and you want to motivate him to do better – but he needs to do better for himself. He needs to become who he is meant to be and you need to accept whatever and whoever he is at every point in his life. Thats just how it works with growth and acceptance. Similarly, you seem to have noticed a few things that you wish to work on and now is a great time to practice them – you will only grow no matter what the outcome.

    BUT it doesnt discount the fact that you have plans and you want your life to be a certain way – dont apologize for it and dont change your plans. They are for you. If at some point, he hasnt changed his mind, you will have to choose looking after yourself and making your dreams come true. With someone who is in a head space that you are in, with life goals similar to yours. Let him go if he doesnt see the unique and amazing person you are for someone who totally get it and adores you for it.

    I hope that helps. Stay strong, you are worthy of great things. Let us know how you go.

    Lily.

    January 28, 2014 at 5:44 pm #49909
    Nia
    Participant

    Hi Lily!

    Thank you for your kind words. I reflected on what happened and came to the same conclusion. I cannot love him, or anyone else for that matter, if I don’t love myself first.

    I also acknowledge the fact that he needs a person who can also accept and adore him in all stages of his growth. Right now, and it hurts a bit to admit this, but I am not that person. Maybe letting him go is the kindest thing I can do. Who knows? Maybe he’s thinking the same thing about me that’s why he let go. I still believe him as the kind person I used to know; not as the cold, indifferent person I last saw. I haven’t always been kind to him. I was raised with tough love so that is all I knew until I met him. And that;s what I’ve been giving him.

    Looking at it from another perspective, I’m hurt because I believed him to be too good. I may have stretched his patience but he also didn’t have to let things pile up before confronting me. Now, he was the one who left me and he doesn’t want me back. I will get on with my life but I cannot guarantee that I would wait for him. That’s not unfair, is it? I will keep the good memories but I will remember why we came to this point.

    This experience did not discourage me from loving. If anything, it made me want to love more. And that’s what I live for: LOVING.

    Again, thank you for taking time to reply. I feel loved.

    Nia

    January 28, 2014 at 11:34 pm #49920
    Lily
    Participant

    Hi Nia,

    I think you should save your reply (to me) and read it in a couple of months – there is SO much strength and grace right there in you. I know you will be proud of yourself.

    I do believe it is important for you to remember that this is not your fault. In a relationship or connection of any sort, both people have the same responsibilities. He could have confronted you too, why does it have to be you trying to mend and fix things? It is unfair if you think of it in any other way. It is ok that you cannot be that person now – nothing is worth putting your desires and needs second, you’ll never win and feel miserable even when with him. We have all put people on pedestals, we all do it but now you know and now its time to put yourself up there. He doesnt need to be a cold, indifferent person – wish him well, send him happiness and KNOW that better things are coming your way. YOU are the stronger one here,Go on, live your life. If he is meant to be in your life in any shape, way or form, he will catch up. You will grow, thrive and succeed the moment you take your first step towards acceptance.

    I am freshly coming off a rejection and although a very different situation, I related to a lot of what you said. So thank you as well. Through tears each day, I am having to remind myself as well “Let him go if he doesnt see the unique and amazing person you are for someone who totally get it and adores you for it.”. In this together, please feel free to reach out and share if you ever need.

    Take care
    Lily.

    January 29, 2014 at 11:20 am #49946
    Lisa
    Participant

    My situation is similar and different all at the same time. I’m 37, and my husband is 40. We’ve been married for 3 years, together for 5. We each have children from a previous marriage.

    Recently, I’ve become exponentially unhappy. It seems that my husband presented himself in a way that is not who he truly is. At first, he was responsible, had things together, took care of his 2 girls, and the “bad” things that he was going through was strictly the acts of his ex-wife. He seemed very put together, and had things turning around in his life. We fell in love quickly, although, looking back, the fights we had before we lived together should have been huge red flags that steered me away. I tend to believe the very best of people, and give the benefit of the doubt an innumerable amount.

    So, fast forward…..his “man of the house” attitude- it’s his responsibility to pay the bills, blah blah- has turned into a complete disaster. He has sooo many bills so far overdue, he lies to me, his parents (who have financially bailed us out of so much in the past year..to the tune of almost 10k), and his response to things being so far out of control is “I’ll take care of it”.

    He insists that our children go to Catholic school- apparently it’s a thing in his family. The school tuition is 3800 behind…despite the fact that his parents give him a check for $500 every month.

    Not only is the money, and lack of it’s management an issue, I just can’t help but feel very disgusted, about everything. The realization that the persona he portrayed in the beginning was a farce makes me, I don’t know….so many things- sad, angry, disgusted, hurt, helpless. Most of all, I feel trapped.

    Our children have developed such an amazing bond, that if I were to leave, it would destroy the kids. DESTROY them. I feel that I will have to live in misery or completely wreck my kids emotional well being. Granted, their other parent has their own issues, my husband’s ex-wife and I have quite the similar issues with Mike. (The tuition issues sparked conversations between she and I…all these things have come out). All the reasons she left him are all the exact same reasons I am so unhappy now.

    My husband and I have had discussions about changing things. Mostly- according to him- that I needed to change. I went to a psychologist and psychiatrist- was told I have ADHD and MDD, which I am taking medication for. He said he would go, and has yet to even schedule an appointment.

    I feel that I am at my wits end. I don’t want to be here anymore, but I can’t tear apart my kids’ lives. I really don’t know what to do.

    January 29, 2014 at 7:11 pm #49974
    Nia
    Participant

    Hello Lisa,

    It looks like we have similar patterns when “falling in love” with men. I too tend to want to believe in the very best of people and I too give benefit of the doubt. Maybe too much that I ignore red flags early on. Lack of money and poor management does take a toll in many relationships I have observed around me. And I have experienced the same problem in my previous relationships. Perhaps I was fortunate not to have had children yet.

    I honestly cannot imagine how difficult your current situation is. I am tempted to share some suggestions but I believe I do not have the experience or wisdom to say anything about family affairs.

    But I can say this: Trust in yourself. Do not let your husband blame you for everything that is going wrong. In a relationship, you both have equal levels of responsibility – even if you do have ADHD and MDD. Although, be careful not to use your condition as an excuse to not take your share of the responsibility. Observe, but don’t judge yourself, if you have been using your condition as an excuse to avoid responsibility. I have been in that situation and it only made me feel stuck. I have been diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 17. I was on medication for three years until I attempted to commit suicide. When I survived, I stopped with the medication and learned to manage my condition without it. It is very difficult at first but I made it a point to be very aware of my mental status, my thoughts and my actions. I learned to take responsibility for everything that I do regardless if I’m manic or very depressed. Self awareness was really the first step.

    I’m here if you want to talk about this.

    Much love,

    Nia

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.