Hi Cristy,

Can you say more about how you feel that you “never really gave the relationship a chance”?  Generally speaking, committing yourself to someone for almost a decade would seem like you gave it fair shot and if after all that time, you still don’t feel comfortable (for whatever reason) expressing yourself honestly, communicating your needs, speaking about your feelings, and just generally being yourself, that seems to be a big red flag.

Are you able to seek help with a therapist or counselor?  I know that right now, you feel very pressured to make a big decision and either completely give up on your ex-husband or start a completely different new life with this other person, but I don’t think rushing into making a quick decision to avoid the uncomfortable feelings of not knowing is the right answer.

In fact, it may help you to lean into your feelings of loneliness, discomfort, guilt, etc. and try to investigate (to the best of your ability) how and why you are feeling the things you are.  Try to get more in tune with your body, your intuition, and your feelings.  Ask yourself some hard questions:  what are you looking for in a partner?  how do you want to be treated? what types of characteristics in a person do you admire and why?  what actions and words coming from a partner make you feel the most seen, heard, and valued?

I know being alone and feeling lonely is hard and it hurts a lot, but try to remember there are so many other people out there right now going through similar situations– not everyone has their romantic life perfectly sorted out and so you definitely aren’t alone even though it can sometimes feel like it.  Some feelings are very difficult to sit with and it’s natural that you want to escape them and to not feel them, but they won’t actually hurt you.  It will just be uncomfortable as you learn to sit with them.

You deserve love, you deserve acceptance, you deserve a partner who sees and hears you, you deserve a partnership in which you feel comfortable and safe expressing yourself, your needs, your wants, and your thoughts.  Only you can parse through the details of the relationship and each person that you are drawn to and start to make decisions based off of what is best for you.

I get the feeling that you are feeling pressured to make a quick decision and to do something for someone else’s benefit…but you clearly got yourself away from this relationship for a reason.  Before quickly just jumping back into it, be kind to yourself and allow yourself the time and space to feel through this.  It’s hard, but you can do it– try to feel your way through it rather than think your way through.

I hope that this helps you a bit– please let me know if I can help further and I would be happy to!

Amy

Dear Cristy:

I wrote to you earlier that I will reply to your thread when back to the computer but neglected to do so. I just realized that.

In the meantime you got a valuable reply and I hope the interaction with Amy continues.

anita