Sure, here are some examples for you.

One time I was sitting in the car and my boyfriend asked his mother if she wanted him to move something in the living room upstairs.. all of the sudden she screamed at him telling him she didn’t know where she wanted it and not to touch it and that it didn’t need to move yet. In response he started yelling at her why she was freaking out and she would say he was yelling at her and it just would escalate from there.

I took these arguments are part of the grieving process.

Another one started because my boyfriend wasn’t able to find something. This happened a bunch of times. Usually it is clothes. He can’t find socks or under shirts or pants or whatever it is. He starts freaking out and they start yelling at each other about it.

It’s not like the typical irritation, it is like full blown yelling. Just completely over the top and about really simple and easy fixes.

Once again though, I took it as part of the grieving process. I hope this helps.

Nextsteps,

Thank you so much for your comment! I’m happy/sad to hear someone who is or has been in a similar situation to me. His mom is just as sweet, such a giving woman, too giving, but definitely manipulative. When he talks to me I definitely hear his mom words mingled in with his. Sometimes I have to ask him if those are his words or his moms… very frustrating.

I also do feel those pressures of settling down and becoming a mother/house wife, which terrifies me as a 24 year old. His mother does a lot of things for him and I was not raised that way. Sometimes I wonder “Does he expect me to have to do that for him one day?”.. Absolutely not.. My parents raised me very independently and to do things myself and to take care of myself. Although I’m fine with helping out with stuff and switching off, I refuse to baby him.

I feel the exact same way about the house and its decorations… They just got everything renovated and painted the way they like. This is what started our fight in the summer because I hated being over their house and didn’t care much about their renovations because it was like a slap in the face. Here I am, trying to figure out plans for the future and here are him and his mom crafting his future home. What am I? Chopped liver? I really questioned whether or not he even saw me in his future because he wasn’t asking my opinion on anything or even thinking of me in general. It was just about what him and his mom wanted (third wheel here). I just don’t know. This topic still really upsets me.

He’s an only child, so I don’t really have to siblings to worry about, but I do get a knot in my stomach because his mother is allowing me to live their rent free for the time being. I feel like instead of taking steps forward into adulthood, I’m taking 10 steps backward.

Despite all this…. I feel as if my gut is telling me I just need to follow through on this and try it out to show him whether or not it works out. I feel like he will never take what I say seriously unless he see’s it with his own eyes. I plan to talk with him before hand to reiterate what had already talked about and to say that if things don’t work out and I find myself getting resentful or stuck I’m going to move out. I already have a back up plan in my pocket, just in case.

I know him and his mom are in an unimaginable situation so it seems silly to me to just break up with him after 6 years of being together and I really do love him. If I find it isn’t a good environment for me though, which I am good usually at detecting, I will move out.

Thank you once again for your advice. I really appreciate it.

KKasxo,

Yeah… I know the plans aren’t going to happen. Lately I have been making plans for myself, since he seems to be making decisions for himself without including me in them.

His mother isn’t financially dependent on him.. yet.. though I suspect him wanting to go to nursing school has a lot to do about having a good job to support her in the future. She’s a very nice woman though, she does everything for everyone and never asks for anything in return, which makes me feel guilty for being angry with her, but I feel like this may be part of the manipulation. So nice and sweet and giving, though she drives you mad, you can’t stay mad at her.

I told him I’d like to live in a different state for a few months repeatedly, but I don’t think he’s really heard me on that.. at all.. or just isn’t taking me very seriously. I have made a decision to live with him up until he goes to nursing school and if it isn’t working out, then I may go live somewhere else for a few months, while he’s in school. I’m going to be very clear about this so there isn’t any sort of hurt feelings later on.

I feel as if I am missing something in their relationship. I feel as if I live with them for a little while I’ll be able to make a clearer decision. I’m not sure how far the dependency is yet and I need to know to see whether or not I want to still be with him or not.

Thank you for your insight and taking the time to read my story!

Anita,

Wow, you nailed me on the head. I’m laughing pretty hard right now.

Yeah, there definitely were problems there in the family before his father died, but I feel as if they have escalated since then. The dad was sort of the voice of reason and without it, those two are just a little neurotic.

Like I said previously though, I think I really need to see this more first hand. Maybe me moving in will help them move on a little more. Make his mom see that she needs to let go of her grip on him if our relationship starts to crumble. If I break up with him, I know she will understand and see why, but act like she doesn’t. I can already see all the lies and fake innocence in her voice. Drives me insane.

If he says that to me again, “Well you can still leave me,” I will actually leave him, because that is completely unfair, now looking back at it. There have been a lot of unfair things in this relationship. I’ve been patient and put up with a lot, but that’s going to have to stop now and he’s going to have to start listening to me and including me on his future plans, otherwise this relationship isn’t going to last. :/

Thank you very very much for you input. It was something I definitely needed to hear.