Hi Frey,

I suggest reading on trauma bonding. You can find articles on it on blogs like Psychology Today. Given what you’ve said, that might be what you’ve experienced and also why you’re finding it so hard to detach from them.

Also do what you can to distance yourself more. Stop checking their social media, block them entirely. Don’t allow yourself to be tempted. Looking at their social media is one way you’re holding on, and stopping that immediately is one thing you can do right away to help yourself detach. There will be more advice in the readings on trauma bonding, so I’m sure it would help you, too, to read up on that and see what resonates with you most.

Dear Frey:

Your ex boyfriend and former friend abused you and harassed you, and even though they are no longer in your life and you are progressing in every aspect of your life, so you wrote, you are “still holding onto these two people”, checking their social media every day, feeling like a stalker.

“How do I move on? I want to but for some reason, I can’t”-

– here are four possibilities of what these “some reason” may be. Let me know which reason (or combination of reasons) is true in your case and I will be glad to suggest, in a second post to you,  how to move on based on the reason or reasons you chose:

1. You are checking on their social media every day because it is a habit, you are used to do it. You did it yesterday, so automatically you are inclined to do it today, and tomorrow. This habit is similar to many other habits: like watching TV daily, playing computer games daily, going to bed late at night and so on and on.

2. Even though you are doing well in life and are in “a new and happy relationship”, you are bored: you are missing the excitement, albeit negative, that you had in your previous relationship and friendship. Somehow… those were exciting and you are looking to somewhat maintain those relationships by being present in their lives as a watcher, a witness, a social media stalker.

3. Even though you are not in direct contact with these two  individuals who abused and harassed you, you are still  in direct contact with a parent or sibling who abused you or is still abusing you in some way. You need to attend to that relationship and place that person in your past as well, but it is too difficult to do that, so you keep this out of your mind while you focus on these two relationships that no longer exist. Your focus on these two individuals is your brain trying to tell you that you need to end a relationship with yet someone else.

4. You are not really in a “happy and healthy” relationship, and everything in your life is not really “going great”.

anita

Dear Frey:

Let’s deal with reason #2 first, how you elaborated on it: “I got used to all the negativity.. almost became addicted to their actions”- your ex boyfriend’s actions that were negatively exciting for you were his lies regarding taking drugs and later selling drugs, week particularly. At the time of the relationship you invested a lot of time and money on this guy, so clearly your emotional investment in him was huge. I suppose you are still invested in him.

I don’t think you want to get back with him but you are still invested. Same I am guessing regarding your former friend.

Look into the nature of your investment then, what motivated that investment and you will understand what still motivates your current investment (of time and attention, if not money).

Do you want to do that?

anita