Hello everyone!

I have never posted on a forum for anonymous advice but would really, really appreciate some input. My boyfriend and I have known each other as acquaintances for a few years but have only been dating for eight months. He is 37 and I am 28. We fell in love quickly and decided to move in together.

At first, he seems like a big cuddly teddy bear. A lot of people around us think that he is very passive until they get to know him better. I always knew he was passionate/fiery and could be very animated or impatient, even sometimes childish in the ways in which he dealt with adversity. I saw that he snapped at his mother, but I also made excuses for his temper, blaming it on the pressure of being the owner of a start-up company. He has never physically harmed me but, since we moved in together, his blow ups and tantrums have turned toward me. The most scary was when he was screaming, threw a book against the wall and told me to get the f*$k out of the apartment. He is 6’5″ 250lbs and I am 5’2″ 105lbs – which only makes the dynamic more intimidating. He gets upset at little things every day. During all three of my ~ 5 day work trips, he has broken up with me, accused me of cheating using graphic language, and told me to pack up my stuff when I return. He called me a ‘miserable c_nt’ during one of those. I have to emphasize that I am not cheating on him and never even had an incident that would make him feel like I was even flirting with someone in front of him. Nothing. When I am home, he makes comments that I’m gone for hours each day and he would have no idea if I’m cheating on him when I say I’m at work or practicing my sport. I feel that he is insecure about cheating but it also feels very unhealthy/possessive. He has acted weird when I want to go out for a girl’s night, saying that he was going to go party until late hours. He flipped out once when I was going to grab a quick drink with my best friend’s fiance when he wasn’t invited (I’m a bridesmaid and he wanted to ask me to help him plan a surprise for his future wife) until I canceled. He was chatting with a friend and said that, if he found out a girl was cheating on him, he would have her come home, fuck her senseless and kick her out of the house. He has told me before that he would get revenge on me and the guy if I cheated. Lately, when I talk about new ways to grow my business or aspirations for my sport, he immediately shuts them down. Sometimes I wonder what he wants me to do with my time – I’m damned if I want to work, have a hobby or have friends and he also makes me feel guilty for wanting to be a stay-at-home Mom someday. I pointed it out yesterday and he only acknowledged a little when I forced him to. He acknowledges that he can be vindictive and, if he feels threatened, that he will do/say anything necessary to inflict hurt on the other person. He will admit that he needs anger management therapy but has not made any attempt to contact a licensed professional. I have confided to him that I am seeing a therapist and am on anti-depressants. I also told him that the tension in our relationship reminds me of my abusive childhood. He does seem to feel bad about that.

It upsets me that he is always late to commitments and there is always an excuse why something didn’t work out. He was 1.5 hours late to pick me up at the airport when returning from an international family vacation. He showed up an hour late to meet one of my best friends visiting from out of town, and didn’t take responsibility, which resulted in her informing me that she doesn’t want him to attend her wedding. Last week I had an accident during a sport that caused a concussion where he told me take a taxi instead of picking me up when he was just sitting at home. When I said that it upset me, he brushed it off like I had caused some miscommunication. In some ways, he is very nurturing. In others, his actions are astoundingly self-centered.

He does not take responsibility for his actions. My theory has always been, ‘good or bad – just own it as best as you can’. He put a deposit down on an engagement ring with a private jeweler and now, because of major financial issues, he can’t afford the it any longer. I feel incredibly guilty for picking an expensive ring but, honestly, he showed me three options and I picked the middle one. It seemed like that was insinuating that he could afford it. Now, he makes me feel very guilty for picking the ring, like I tricked him into it. I’m not perfect – I feel terrible. He is mad at the jeweler for not returning his deposit and threatens to sue him. I want to stand by him, but the principle of not upholding your word and reacting in such a way embarrasses me. It’s not about good or bad financial times, it’s about taking responsibility and finding a way to deal with bad news with integrity. Is this another red flag?

I do not think he is my ‘forever person’. It makes me sad. In some ways, I feel like it’s in the ‘too good to leave, too bad to stay’ realm – although writing the above issues makes me realize the cons outweigh the pros. Some of my friends and family have suggested that I have ‘lost my way’ and need to have better standards of how I am treated. Whether my heart agrees, my head knows 100% that the relationship needs to end sooner vs. later.

He is gone for work for one week. I have found an apartment and can logistically move all of my belongings out of our shared apartment and into my individual one by Thursday. Is it spineless to move while he is away? Or simply a logical plan since I already predict that he will become very very angry, spiteful and hateful during the move? Because of his temper and size difference, I am intimidated by the thought of getting my belongings after our breakup. Even with a buddy, it just makes chills go down my spine. I just fear some trick up his sleeve.

Gosh…. is there any way to break off this relationship with class? Should I just move? When do I tell him that I’m leaving?

Thank you so so so much in advance.