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My best friend and I are drifting apart.

HomeForumsRelationshipsMy best friend and I are drifting apart.

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  • #202939
    Edie
    Participant

    My best friend and I have known each other for almost ten years now. Thing have definitely been rocky, but we’ve always been able to patch things up and be the best of friends again. Right now it seems like it’s not going to last and I felt like maybe I could get some opinions or input on the whole situation.

    My friend Jess (this isn’t her real name, fake to protect her) and I have had a pretty weird relationship. I’m a very intense person and I feel like this has maybe taken a toll on our relationship. We mostly talk to each other through video chat, which is great because we are still able to have live conversations without the inconvenience of meeting times, cancellations, etc. (This works for us very well, so please don’t assume that this is why we are drifting apart). Jess has a tendency to shut down and give me the silent treatment when we fight/I do something that she doesn’t like. In this situation, here is how things usually go:

    1. I p*** her off one way or another.
    2. She doesn’t respond to my texts/calls or leaves me on read.
    3. Updates her status with passive aggressive/indirect quotes abotu friendship or “toxic friends”.
    4. She goes a few days and eventually deletes me from social (sometimes I delete her first, however).
    5. We go a few months without speaking at all .
    6. I message her eventually and try to patch things up (I’ve given her time to cool off, what could go wrong?).

    This cycle has gone through twice now. She ignores me for childish things and doesn’t seem to care what happens (or if I will even eventually text her to try to be friends again). Some people reading this may be wondering why I go back to her every time this happens. It’s because I CARE about our friendship and (most of the time) think we have a pretty darn good one! The thing that hurts the most is that she doesn’t seem to care like I do anymore.

    One reason I believe we are drifting apart is because lately she’s been very distant lately. I sometimes see her hanging with her other friends from her school on social media and she won’t invite me or even care to tell me. I know I shouldn’t expect this from her, but this is how we usually did things in our relationship. We told each other everything. Now it seems like she almost keeping things from me and trying to p*** me off by hanging with other people and posting all about it w/o telling me.

    Her new friends seem like they’re changing her. They’re more in the popular crowd at her school and I’ve heard some shady things about them. She’s suddenly started to care about brands of clothing/shoes and just acts different altogther (like an a***ole sometimes…). I’ve tried to convince her that they probably aren’t the best people to hang around, but as you can imagine this only made things worse.

    Another reason is that she is avoiding contact and leaving me on read. In the past we always responded seconds after a text was recieved. Now she either is short with me or chooses to not respond altogether. Every time I ask to call her, she says she’s busy and that she can’t talk at all (and later posts all over other social media). Most of the time, she’s the one that wants to call me! As you may have already gathered, this REALLY gets on my nerves and hurts my feelings even more.

    I have tried speaking with her about this. I was really gentle when I did, but it did NO good and has only made her turn to being extremely passive aggresive on her social media (about me). I’m scared that she’s going to start ignoring me again if I am blunt about it.

    I’d also like to add that she has told me about annoying kids that “follow her around” at school and that they used to be friends but Jess dislikes her now and Is trying to get rid of her. I was thinking that that may have a bit or a connection to what she’s doing to me. I’m not sure though…

    I’m also at fault in this friendship. I have a lot of issues she’s had to deal with and I appreciate that she still is even my friend. And there’s also a lot of good in our relationship. We pretty much know everything about each other and always know how to make the other laugh.We’ve always gotten along beautifully, even after the fights/cold wars we’d get into. It just isn’t feeling like that anymore.

    So what do you think? Am I just being paranoid? Is she doing this being she doesn’t like me anymore/has found new friends? Should I end the friendship or keep trying? Or something else? I’d love advice or even to hear about similar experiences. Thanks so much for reading!

    -Edie

    #202963
    Inky
    Participant

    Hi Edie,

    My advice is to stop reaching out. And, if she does break down and try to contact you, for you not to respond.

    Wait until school is out (I know this is hard), then maybe, just maybe, see if she’s matured any. Without the context of school and other people around in a few months, she could be in a place to be respectful towards you. AFTER you show her that you are not an emotional doormat.

    I also suggest you temporarily deactivate your social media accounts. (Say you’re doing a Technology/Media Cleanse if anyone asks.) Then she can’t do that passive aggressive posting and will have to deal (or not deal) with you In Real Life. Teach her not to hide behind a screen.

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    #202965
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Edie:

    You wrote: “We’ve always gotten along beautifully, even after the fights/cold wars we’d get into. It just isn’t feeling like that anymore”.

    It probably doesn’t feel like that (getting along beautifully) because of the fights, the cold wars. War does it, weaken the ones fighting. No beauty left, only destruction.

    This is what the fights, the war, the aggression did in your friendship: it made your friendship “rocky” and in need “to patch things up” (patching up the wounds inflicted). Indeed it “taken a toll on our relationship”. It has caused Jess to “shut down and give me the silent treatment”, and to not “respond to my texts/calls… Updates her status with passive aggressive/indirect quotes… deletes me from social.. go a few months without speaking at all… ignores me… etc,”

    All this is part of a war the two of you have fought against each other, and war has weakened and destroyed your friendship. It is not surprise to me. Is it to you?

    anita

     

     

     

    #203181
    cece
    Participant

    Dear Edie,

     

    in my opinion, it seems as if Jess is in some sort of way growing , you said she was changing her style ever since she found new friends. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that, unless you see these “new” friends treating her wrong behind her back or something. That is basically just your bestfriend trying to expand her views and possibly try new things.

    In terms of her not speaking to you, she may just be super busy and caught up with life as a whole. i agree with Inky on giving her a little more space and allowing her to come through on her own time. If you guys are in high school, she may just actually be going through some things, ALOT of things possibly.

    I say you give her time and if the friendship TRUY meant something, she’ll come around .

     

    Xoxo, CECE

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