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My best friend is possesive and I feel guilty

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  • June 30, 2015 at 1:30 pm #79034
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    I have 2 very good girl friends who are both near and dear to my heart, and my friendship with each of them is unique and cannot be compared to the other. One friend, who we’ll call E, I’ve known since I was 4 but we didn’t get super sisterly close until we were about 13. The other, who we’ll call S, I’ve known since I was about 15, and when we met, we realized that we were platonic soul mates. I’m almost 24 and needless to say, I cherish both of these people and my friendships with them.

    The trouble is, the second friend (S) is being very openly jealous of my friendship with E. S was always sort of possessive and reluctant to share me with other people, but now she’s being totally unreasonable. It was very evident this past weekend and it made me really uncomfortable. S basically had a hissy fit because she invited me to do something and I said I had plans with E and then she wanted me to ditch my “mundane” plans with E so I could be spontaneous and do this exciting thing instead. And in the last few weeks, she kept mentioning that she wanted the three of us to hang out because she wanted to get to know E better, so I said that I could only hang out if all three of us can be together, and she nearly blew up. It was a disaster! She said all of this stuff that I’m having trouble forgetting. She said that she feels like she’s “competing for a spouse” and that’s the only reason why she wanted to get to know her – because it would basically be easier to share me that way. And that E is now a sore subject and that she doesn’t want me to even bring E up in a conversation or even to tell her about plans that I have with E. It was so weird.

    I settled the matter with her and I told her that this is not okay and she apologized and agreed that she needs to respect my boundaries. But I still feel WEIRD!

    I was recently cheated on and in that situation, my ex tried to get me to “win his love” and compete for him – but he did it as if me and the other girl were two of his friends and tried to convince me that I had “nothing to worry about” and led me on until the bitter end. And I lost. And it was disgusting and traumatizing and being put in this “in the middle” position makes me feel like I’m him or something. It makes me feel yucky and guilty and I don’t know why because I don’t want anybody to fight over me – my love is big enough for everybody. I just feel very uncomfortable with the whole thing.

    July 1, 2015 at 8:09 am #79086
    Inky
    Participant

    Oh Dear Lord Nicole!

    I know EXACTLY how you feel! Even as a grown 40 something year old woman I have recently had this.

    One neighbor, C, started calling me “BEST FRIEND”, really emphasizing the words. I felt kind of forced to say that back to her. I hemmed and hawed and said something like, “Well my childhood friend J is my historic best friend, and you are my best friend in this town, that’s for sure!” Now, that wasn’t entirely true, as I could easily say that to two other people in town! I think she got the hint and backed off.

    But THEN! We were at an event and I saw my dear friend B, who used to be my neighbor. We both have the same kind of mixed heritage and background, so we “get” each other. Now, I never talk on and on about B, or even barely mention her. But C was totally threatened! She was all, “That’s enough of B!” when I’m all, “Let’s sit together”.

    Now, being 40-ish, that’s a drag. I will now forever have to strategically plan get togethers and parties where they will not only be sparate, but so they each won’t hear about it (especially C!!). Thankfully everyone is saddled with kids so it’s not a big deal. But jealousy IS the most annoying feeling in the world! Understandable for romance NOT friendship IMO!

    I would call your friend’s bluff and say, “I have several friends, actually, as you do. Your reaction is really weird. So I WON’T mention E! I think you made the best decision for both of us, S.”

    Good Luck!

    Inky

    July 1, 2015 at 2:18 pm #79092
    Happygirl2015
    Participant

    Hi Nicole,

    I can relate to your friend S. When I was in my early 20’s and new to my city, I made a best friend (K).. We’d been good friends for a few years when I met another girl (M)… M was super bubbly and I liked her right away but little did I realize that although she was older than me, she was kind of immature… I wasn’t sure I would end up staying friends with her but none the less brought her to meet K. The two became friends and I felt awkward and a little left out at times… So I experienced some jealous feelings with K. Today, 20 yrs later, we’re all good friends.

    From my experience, the reaction that S had is more about S than you and E. She has stuff going on in her life and head that is making her act out this way. Namely, i’d say she’s insecure with herself and with the relationship the two of you have. Have you tried sitting her down and asking her what’s prompting all of this?

    Maybe a little compassion and friendly support is all she needs? In any case, I am not saying her behaviour is excusable and right, I just think that good friends are hard to come by and if she is a good friend, then she deserves some compassion and support and a second chance.

    Have the talk, see what may really be going on and then see if things change or not and whether the relationship can continue.

    Best of luck.

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